I Asked My Boyfriend Why He Doesn't Compliment Me

My boyfriend, lovely and loveable as he is, rarely compliments my physical appearance. I can spend a good three hours turning out a look for a special occasion and it garners a mere nod when I ask if I look okay. This went on for a long time until I eventually felt secure enough to bring it up.

When I explained that his lack of verbal appreciation for my appearance made me feel a bit crappy, he explained how he once showered an ex with compliments — basically wrote poetry dedicated to her looks — and then she broke his heart. Since then he’s been reluctant to display the same level of open admiration when it comes to the women he dates. It’s not that he doesn’t like the way I look, but rather that a bad experience with an ex has burned itself into his mind and behaviour.

I had two thoughts when he confided this information, and a decision to make. A part of me was angry that he was allowing his past, another woman no less, to affect our relationship and deny me the simple pleasure of hearing him say nice things. Another part of me felt empathy for his wounded heart. I understood that for him to experience betrayal after he displayed that kind of vulnerability would have had a serious impact.

This wasn’t a case of him being lazy or oblivious, or the ridiculous scenario I had painted in my mind where he detested the way I looked. This was something real and deep. I had to choose — be selfishly angry and pursue my own needs, or compromise those desires in favour of sympathy.

I chose to compromise. I may have insecurities about my physical appearance but I don’t have them about the strength of my relationship. Verbal appreciation of the way I look might be a rare commodity but my partner makes me feel loved, respected, and special in other ways. It didn’t make sense to push for further adoration once he told me what hid behind his silence every time I got dolled up.

It does make me wonder how many of us allow past relationships to affect our current ones. How many of us have mental scars that dictate our behaviour, or bitter memories that haunt our actions? I understand there’s no fixed method or timeline when it comes to getting over an ex, but for some people it seems that certain shadows will linger no matter how much time passes.

I wonder what would have happened if I’d allowed the hurt side of me to take control in that moment — the side of me that despised this ghost from the past who lived inside my boyfriend’s head. I made a choice to ignore the rising resentment in my gut and do what I thought was the best thing for our relationship.

I couldn’t go back in time and save him from this heartbreak, nor could I demand that he undid the mental dating defences he’d built up over the years. In that moment, my consideration for the man I love and a reluctance to cause him further distress triumphed over my personal needs. (Yes, I know, my boyfriend is incredibly lucky to have such a rational and understanding woman.)

Yet in a different relationship, with a different set of emotional factors, this could be a recipe for disaster. Finding out that something that bothers you deeply is because your partner has an ex on their shoulder, controlling their behaviour like a puppeteer from the past, might just be too much to handle. How many people experience bad relationships, or see them fail, because the presence of an ex is overpowering.

My boyfriend’s revelation inspired a fair bit of introspection. I started to examine my own relationship history to try and find the wounds that affect my behaviour. Even though I did discover a couple of things that could explain certain personal quirks, I think I’ve been lucky when it comes to the past influencing my present.

Or I’m exceptionally delusional and in need of a therapist.

I did learn that I’m willing to compromise for the sake of my relationship, but I’m not going to say that the knowledge hasn’t bothered me. More importantly, I learned that it’s crucial sometimes to step back and assess problems with some reasoned compassion for your partner.

I was absolutely tempted to give in to the emotion of the situation, to cry and exclaim dramatically, “That’s not fair!” To demand that my boyfriend push aside his own feelings for the sake of mine. I’m really glad I didn’t. My boyfriend trusted me with the truth, and it would have been a betrayal if I had reacted with an outburst. Not only that — it would have almost been like allowing his ex to sabotage our current happiness.

I wasn’t going to let a faceless woman fracture our relationship. I wasn’t going to let her screw my boyfriend by giving in to my emotions.

I know there are relationships that face much larger issues than mine, and people with far deeper wounds than those my boyfriend harbours. I honestly don’t know which is the harder position — being haunted by past hurts and knowing it’s harming the person you love, or seeing someone you love carry around the overwhelming burden of these memories.

What I do know is that my choice brought me closer to my boyfriend, and our relationship is stronger for it. I didn’t get the praise and adoration that I was seeking when I confronted him, but I got something that I value more in the long run — I got his candour, his trust, and his vulnerability.

I’ll still spend way too long making myself look good, and I’ll appreciate every time he does tell me I’m pretty because I know what it means. It’s not disposable flattery — it’s his way of letting me know that he values me and our relationship. It’s worth even more to me now.