How to spend emotional burnout period

From love at first sight to speechless, how long does it take? It took Mai and Juan five years to turn the sweetest love into mutual abuse. When they met, they discovered that they were strikingly similar: they liked the same niche writers, music and movies; Have the habit of using movie ticket stubs as bookmarks; They even wear the same little white shoes. Those ideas and habits that can not be understood in daily life, see the same shadow in each other's body. It's as if two lonely souls have found themselves. So they fell in love quickly, confessed, and lived together. "My goal in life," he told her, "is to stay with you." However, after a few years of living together, everything changed. She was still a literary young woman, but he studied success books carefully; She wanted to see the new movie, but he thought it better to spend his precious weekend working overtime. The small white shoe that porch is in became mature sedate black leather shoes, once the intimate love that makes people admire became "numb exhaustion" listless concern. The psychological definition of relationship burnout is simple: it occurs when you become numb to your current relationship. Simple and poignant. According to researcher Tessapelas, the negative co-existence of burnout in a relationship is characterized by: no longer engaging in deep communication when you're talking but he's not listening or doesn't care, completely ignoring the other person's feelings. Not caring about each other's dynamic past can be as simple as "what did you have for lunch today?" Now they don't even ask each other what jobs they're doing or who they're meeting. It seems that what they're going through is none of your business. In the past, you might have thought it was cute when your partner was studying the plot of a comic book, but now you think he or she isn't doing his or her job. You may think your partner is boring or even bored in the past, and you may feel happy as long as you are with him, even if you don't do anything. Now, however, you are no longer used to being around them, preferring to spend time alone or with other friends. Relationship burnout can also create a vicious loop. It can significantly reduce partner satisfaction, making people more likely to magnify their partner's shortcomings and less willing to communicate with them, leading to more conflict in relationships and exacerbating relationship burnout. It's not your fault. It's written into our genes. From the point of view of physiological psychology, love is the product of a variety of hormones. Over time, we become more numb to the same stimuli in love. From the perspective of developmental psychology, Erikson's eight-stage theory of personality development holds that we have our own main task at each stage of life. After resolving the intimacy vs loneliness conflict, we move on to the reproduction vs stagnation task, which is colloquially known as having children and having a career. The amount of energy you put into your relationship, naturally, goes down. However, compared to these hard facts. Those unconsciously, artificially accelerated relationship burnout is even more regrettable. For example, there is "burnout" caused by the triviality of life and the accumulation of conflict. The pressures of work and the demands of daily life leave us with little time or energy to resolve conflicts in our relationships. A friend told me that for a long time, she felt her husband was no longer passionate about her, working late every night and falling asleep when she got home. Until one day woke up in the middle of the night, found the wine bureau returned to the husband in the bathroom vomiting, she did not understand: he is not the student period that accompany her to skip class with the youth, he has a lot of identity, also a lot of pressure, she has been blind, but also asked him as always. From now on, the friend no longer complains husband to come home late, does not accompany her to go shopping, however silently in his bag stuffing up cure wine candy, leave a lamp for him to return late. The best antidote to tired burnout is empathy. On the other hand, when two people are tired and still give each other bad looks, they don't communicate or solve problems, and they get annoyed with each other. Or "lack of novelty burnout." Ambiguous periods are sweet because we do all kinds of new and romantic things to advance our relationship. The self-extension model of human motivation holds that attractive partnerships expand our interests, skills and experiences. We will explore the world together, share experiences, and expand the breadth and depth of our lives through communication. For example, when we go hiking together, he will tell you how to find your way in the wild, and you will take him to the farmhouse at the foot of the mountain for its signature dish. But if being together is an end in itself and you don't actively create new experiences, then relationship development stalls. Without fresh shared experiences, fewer ideas to share, and more strangers to each other, burnout ensues. Relationship burnout is hard to avoid. But the outcome is entirely up to us. 1. The best way to deal with burnout is to manage expectations and negotiate how much to sacrifice. You can do it in three steps. The first step is to express expectations for each other. Try to communicate the responsibilities you want them to take on and your expectations that they will be met. If Juan can express her expectation to Mai that "it is important for me to see the latest movie of my favorite director together"; Mai can also express his expectation to Juan that "this project is very important and overtime work on weekends is crucial". They don't get into heated arguments. The reality is: they make demands without explanation. When the other belittled their demands, the two began to turn on each other. When we accuse each other of incomprehension, consider: Are we really expressing our true expectations? Step two, correct expectations of each other. When there is no stress in life, they may be able to put a lot of energy into their relationship. But there is bound to be a limit to how much energy they can devote to you after life changes. Therefore, we need to be aware of their multiple identities and adjust our expectations of them. The most difficult thing in getting along is that I ask you to spoil, but you ask me to understand. Such relationships can only fluctuate between the extremes of fantasy and extreme disappointment. Step three, negotiate a sacrifice. What adjustments and compromises are you willing to make to meet each other's expectations? Juan to Mai's expectation is to accompany him on weekends, Mai is looking forward to Juan can understand and support him to work overtime on weekends. If two people are willing to take a step back, Saturday mai accompany yun to see a movie, Sunday yun let Mai go to work overtime, will not be deeply tired of the other side's requirements. 2. Lack of novelty type burnout. Try creating a "love preservation plan" to add a sense of ritual: relive the things you did when you were in love. I know a couple of friends I've been dating for 12 years who confessed their feelings after watching a movie. So they made a pact to watch a movie together every month on their anniversary, either at the cinema or at home, but most importantly together. Be "curious" and "caring" about your partner and find something new: "Who is he or she besides your lover?" "What happened to him today? Why do I have such emotions?" "What does he or she do on a daily basis? What are they proud of?" ... This kind of curiosity and concern are mutually reinforcing. On the one hand, it gives you a constant source of conversation, and on the other, it makes you feel deeply cared for.