How to Save a Jealous Relationship

Is your relationship suffering from the evils of an overly jealous partner or spouse? Extreme jealousy can make life hell, not just for you, but for your partner. It can ruin relationships and end marriages. Here is how you should deal with it.

Understanding Jealousy

It’s one of the emotions we all endure to varying degrees. If we’re honest, then everyone will admit to being jealous of something or someone at some point in their lives.

Being human means sharing headspace with this little green monster. It’s important to understand where jealousy comes from, what triggers it and why some of us suffer so intensely from it. We cannot begin to undo the damage it causes if we don’t truly understand its roots.

Jealousy stems from a variety of emotions. The strongest and most common is a feeling of inferiority. This applies to both men and women although I would tend to say women suffer more from this.

People with a poor self image are far more prone to jealousy

Men generally don’t have the societal pressures and expectations heaped on us that women experience everyday from the media, their peers and even family. Feelings of inferiority coupled with feelings of being inadequate are the strongest triggers for jealousy. If you’re thinking this relates to your self worth you’d be right on the money. People with a poor self image are far more prone to jealousy.

Now that you know this, the next time your partner goes off in a jealous rage you’ll know what’s fuelling it. It also means you now have a toolset to address the underlying causes of the jealousy.

Treating the cause and not the symptom

You cannot cure someone of jealousy anymore than you can cure them of love. It’s not a condition, it’s a part of being human. What you can do, and I’ll show you how, is address the triggers and by gradually removing these, the jealousy will subside.

I am going to focus on insecurity, feelings of being unworthy, and poor self-image. There are other triggers but these are the strongest and each individual is different. It can be relatively simple to identify your partners triggers if you know to look beyond the jealousy itself.

Before we get into how you can deal with these emotions, I need to set out a ground-rule. There is only one and it’s hugely important. Never ever break this, or you will undo all the work you’ve put in.

The Only Rule and the most Important Rule

Never ever change your behavior for the sake of placating a jealous demand. Never ever apologize for something you haven’t done. The word ‘sorry’ is for when you have done something to hurt your partner. If you haven’t and your partner simply interprets your actions as hurtful, that’s the little green monster talking. Never justify the monster by agreeing with it. Everyone who lives with extreme jealousy knows exactly what I’m talking about.

Any activity that would be perceived as normal, that your partner interprets as hurtful, is based on jealousy. It’s so easy for the sake of peace and quiet to simply hold up your hands and say sorry. Don’t. You will live to regret it. Allowing your partner’s jealousy to dictate and control you will only end in tears, separation, and divorce.

You will come to see your partner as being manipulative, a control freak and someone who wants to dominate you. That is not love and it is most definitely not the cornerstone for a long term relationship.

How serious are you?

Removing the triggers for jealousy will take time, patience, understanding and love. If you lack any of these, I would strongly advise reconsidering the validity of your relationship. This isn’t going to cure itself overnight and it will take a lot of work on your part. I know, I’ve been there and the amount of self-control that is required to not respond to hurtful untruths is immense.

If you really love and care for your partner, the task becomes that much simpler. The battle that much more worth fighting. If you’re not that committed and your partner suffers from extreme jealousy, then my advice would be to walk away now. You can live in hope, but most people in these relationships will tell you, jealousy is not a self-healing process.

Healing with love

You should know your partner intimately and I’m not talking about sex. I’m referring to their childhoods, their traumas, their joys, the love or lack thereof they experienced as children. Our self worth is something that is ingrained in us as children by our parents. Their input determines how we view life, if we are independent, confident, and appreciative of our own worth as human beings. Far too many children lack this care in their formative years and it leads to issues in later relationships.

fits of jealous rage can result in serious harm

A jealous woman may look at her partner and wonder what he sees in her. If she has a poor self-image, does not feel confident, has a poor body image and feels inadequate and inferior to other women she will react. She is not going to confront her husband with the truth. She will veil that truth in jealousy. She will attack as her only form of defense for the pain and feelings she experiences.

When that happens an argument ensues and it often becomes heated. The man knows he has done nothing wrong and cannot understand why she would attack him. The verbal attacks are often brutal and can escalate into physical confrontations.

When it’s the man who suffers from jealousy, these fits of jealous rage can result in serious harm for a woman, both mentally and physically. How do you deal with this?

Confrontations

Defuse the situation as best as you can. This isn’t the time for logical argument, that will come later. Try the following statement.

“I’m really feeling hurt and upset right now. You’ve accused me of something I haven’t done. I love you and I don’t want to say anything hurtful or stupid to you because I’m cross. Can we please talk about this later.”

You should understand your partner by now and know what calms them down. Remember the rule, no admitting guilt, ever. No use of the word “sorry”. You haven’t done anything wrong, remember that.

the sharing of our deepest and darkest truths

Wait for an appropriate time to resume the discussion, usually a few hours later, in front of the television or as you’re getting into bed. The comfort and closeness of bedtime goes a long way to smoothing things over. If you’re the man and she’s attacked you over a woman, you need to start by addressing the actual issue. Not the jealousy, but what lies at its heart. It’s root. If you aren’t sure what this is then you need to start digging.

A simple game voiced as a question. What’s your happiest childhood memory? Listen then share yours. Next, what’s your saddest memory from your childhood? Share yours. It is only in the sharing of our deepest and darkest truths with our partners that true love and trust can develop. If she learns to trust you with these memories, so much easier to trust you with her life. It’s easy to start these conversations in ways that aren’t obvious in their goal. Here’s an example.

I read a really sad article today about a woman that was abused by a parent. She is fifty and still suffers nightmares. I was so lucky growing up. We only ever knew love in our house. Even my friends. I mean boys don’t talk do they, but I’m sure they would have told me. We were close. Did you ever have friends that spoke to you about being abused. I suppose it different for girls.

Fishing, without being obvious. Some people find it really difficult to open up and sometimes a bottle of wine or the afterglow of intimacy will help. If you’re not certain as to the triggers for the jealousy, you’ll need to keep at it.

Back to our postponed fight. When you broach the topic try and avoid the word ‘you’. It’s a really difficult skill to master but worth the effort. ’You’ means blame. ’You’ points fingers. Words like us, we, our, these are good words. These are inclusive and show that the problem affects you both. Neither is to blame. Neither. For the partner who isn’t jealous, this can be a really hard pill to swallow, but it’s true.

The jealous partner can not help their outbursts.

They genuinely do feel the pain. They feel hurt, unloved and unappreciated. They hurt more than you do. Fortunately, once you’ve established the causes, you can set about helping them to heal, to understanding their worth, the depth of your love and show them a path to a life that is free of this pain.

When you’re discussing an argument never refer to the jealousy. Remember it’s only a manifestation of a deeper problem. I often found that it helped to simply affirm my love for my partner, reminding her of how important she was to me, how special and how unique she was and how fortunate I felt to have her in my life. Positive reinforcements.

At every opportunity and in a way that does not appear obvious, spend time reinforcing positive aspects of your partner’s nature. If she is a woman, compliment her on her dress sense. Tell her she looks beautiful. A genuine ‘wow’ goes a long way. Enforce her value to you, to the family, to the community, to her peers. Praise her achievements. Build her up in every way you can and it won’t be long before she believes. Truly believes. When that happens you’ve restored another human’s self-worth and self-belief. There is no greater gift, aside from your love, that you can bestow on someone.

There is no secret formula to this and each person is different. It’s what makes us so complicated and so unique. How long will it take to start seeing positive results from this? That depends on you and your commitment. It depends on how accurately you’ve been able to identify the triggers for the jealousy. It can take months and sometimes years, but the rewards are enormous. Seeing someone you love freed of the hobbling curse of jealousy is reward enough. The love and peace you receive in exchange for this freedom will be immeasurable.

If you suffer from jealousy and you’re reading this, I hope it has helped you understand a little better why you respond the way you do to situations. Take a leap of faith and open up to your partner. Share this with them and discuss it. Help them to understand. Help them to help you be free. You can be. You deserve it and so do they.