How to really listen to someone

Everyone wants to be heard. When we listen to others, we recognize that they need to be acknowledged and understood. Deep down, we all want to know that we matter, that we matter. Don't you think that when we meet someone who shows interest in what we have to say, we tend to like them immediately?

I'm not asking you to pretend to be interested in the hope of being liked, but pay attention to this skill that is often overlooked and forgotten. In addition to improving your personal and professional relationships, listening can help prevent misunderstandings and foster collaboration.

Here are some tips for being an effective listener. I learned this from communication classes, seminars, and books on personal relationships. Here are some things I personally find useful when talking to other people:

Mirroring - Mimicking other individuals' facial expressions and body postures. React as if you have become their mirror. Mirroring allows you to feel what they are feeling and gain a deeper understanding of the feelings that words carry. People will start to feel comfortable around you without consciously understanding why. Did you know that babies imitate the expressions of adults? Try it the next time you play with a baby in a crib. Make a unique face and watch your baby's reaction. I learned this technique first from a psychology textbook and then from Tony Robbins. After trying it out for yourself, I've learned that you can experience the feelings of others, but may find yourself on the same wavelength, with similar ideas and visions. Our physiology (facial expressions, gestures and posture) affects our internal state.

For example, you are sitting across a table from someone who is leaning forward and facing to the right, holding a glass of water in his left hand. You can mirror them by holding a glass of water or cup in your right hand, forward and toward the left.

Focus on them, not yourself -- I often lose my mind in my own thoughts during conversations. I'm obsessed with what to say next or random thoughts, such as "How do I look?" ", "I'm hungry", "What should I do tonight?" The trick is to shift attention and focus on the speaker. Give them your full attention. Be genuinely interested in them and what they have to say. That was Dale Carnegie's quote from Principle 4 of "How to Win Friends and Influence People"

"Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves."

Active Listening -- It's easy to let your mind wander when someone is talking. It's also natural to focus on how you plan to respond to the speaker rather than being preoccupied. Try active listening and shift your attention to listening:

Repetition - Repeat what they say in your head in your own words. Internalize the meaning of words.

Summarize what you hear. A great listening technique involves rewriting the speaker's words and repeating them back to them. This verifies that you understand what the speaker is saying and gives the speaker a chance to clarify their thoughts. You can start a sentence with "So I hear you say is" or "You're saying that.

Find Messages - Find keywords. Listen not with your ears, but with your heart and soul. Connect with them. It was more than just one sentence. Try to ask yourself, what is their significance? Where are they from? What do they need? What they put into words is just an expression, but there is always an underlying message. Look for that core message.

Body language - Let the speaker know that you are paying attention and care about what they are saying.

Make Eye Content - Show that you are paying attention. Make sure your eyes are not wandering around the environment, looking behind the person. One technique is to focus on just one eye, which shows concentration and helps you focus.

Smile - When we are focused, our faces tend to be expressionless, which can be interpreted as unpopularity or disinterest. Remember to smile, even if it's a slight smile.

Node & 'un-huh' - Add "un-huh", "HMMM", "I see" between sentences. This is direct feedback to the speaker and it acknowledges to the other person that their words are being heard and understood.

Lean forward - Lean slightly towards the person to show that you are interested in what they are saying and give them your full attention.

Question and inquiry - Ask questions to clarify your understanding. People love to ask questions, as long as you know when not to (for example, you don't want to interrupt their train of thought while they're talking). It shows that you are listening and paying attention. Probe for additional and related information. Some good inquiry-based sentences begin with How? Why is that? For example, "How did it happen?" "What was your reaction?" "Why did you choose to leave?

Non-judgmental - Listen with compassion, openness, and acceptance. In conversation, we often think about rebuttals and counterarguments while the other person is speaking. Listen with an open mind by recognizing that they are expressing themselves and allowing them the freedom to do so. Besides, we don't want to be judged when we speak, so why judge others?

Don't interrupt -- let the speaker finish their thoughts. Don't continue to say what you want to say until the speaker has finished. If you have something to say, bite your tongue and nod. Be patient. It's your turn. Remember how annoying it was when someone interrupted you? Have you lost your train of thought? Give others respect and let them finish.

If you lose focus, change your body position. If you find your mind wandering, move to a different position and try to refocus on the speaker using one of the above techniques.