How to Gain Control Over Your Thoughts — Practical Guide

How to do that is based on the concept of cognitive defusion — a powerful skill from acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) that allows us to separate ourselves from our thoughts, giving us the freedom to choose which thoughts to believe and act upon.

The Power of Cognitive Defusion

Cognitive defusion is the antidote to cognitive fusion, which occurs when we become entangled with our thoughts, accepting them as absolute truths.

When we are fused with our thoughts, we may find ourselves endlessly battling negative self-talk or worrying about various issues. This mental struggle drains our attention and energy, hindering our overall well-being.

Imagine our thoughts as glasses through which we see the world. Our perception will be skewed if we believe that the world is hostile.

Conversely, if we see people as inherently good, that is what we will find.

Cognitive defusion empowers us to take off these glasses, examine our thoughts objectively, and decide whether to embrace or discard them.

Recognizing Cognitive Fusion

To grasp the concept of cognitive defusion, it’s essential to understand cognitive fusion. Cognitive fusion occurs when we unquestioningly accept every passing thought as reality.

It’s as if we’re swimming in a sea of thoughts, unable to separate ourselves from them.

For instance, if we think, “I’m such an idiot,” we might immediately counter it with, “No, I’m the smartest person in the world,” but this inner conflict often leads to an endless loop of overthinking.

A Real-Life Example

Let’s illustrate cognitive fusion and defusion with a real-life example. Imagine a person, Chris*, who experiences social anxiety when hanging out with friends. He constantly worries about saying something wrong or offending someone. This anxiety leads to inner turmoil as he tries to manage his thoughts, causing him to miss out on enjoying the moment.

Chris’ cognitive fusion is twofold.

First, he expends excessive energy fighting his thoughts instead of being present.

Second, he holds an unspoken rule that he must never make anyone feel bad.

This hidden rule governs his actions, and he’s unaware of its influence until it’s pointed out to him.

The Process of Cognitive Defusion

Cognitive defusion is about

creating distance between ourselves and our thoughts

When Chris identified his hidden rule, he realized it was causing him unnecessary anxiety. By acknowledging the rule as just a thought and not an absolute truth, he could replace it with a more helpful perspective. Instead of thinking, “I can’t make anyone feel bad,” he adopted, “I can’t control others’ feelings, but I value kindness and assertiveness.”

This separation from thoughts allows us to choose which thoughts align with our values and which ones we can let pass by.

Chris’ ability to observe his thoughts without complete belief gave him the power to enjoy social situations and focus on positive interactions.

Practical Exercises for Cognitive Defusion

Cognitive defusion is best understood through practice. Here are some exercises to help you experience the process of separating from your thoughts:

1. Thought Observation: Take a minute to notice the thoughts running through your mind. Acknowledge them with phrases like, “I’m having the thought that..." and then, “I notice that I’m having the thought that..." Observe the separation this creates.
2. Name Your Thoughts: Give your thoughts names or labels to distance yourself from them. For instance, you can say, “There’s Billy Bob, the negative thought,” or “Here comes the anxious thought.” By externalizing your thoughts, you gain perspective on them
3. Silly Voices: Repeat a thought in various silly voices or accents. This exercise makes the thought appear less serious and more like a jumble of words, reducing its impact.
4. Symbolic Representation: Write down your troubling thoughts or beliefs on a piece of paper. You can also use physical objects like rocks or sticks to represent thoughts. When you’re ready to let go of a thought, set aside or discard the object as a symbolic gesture of separation.

Evaluating Your Thoughts

Cognitive defusion liberates you to evaluate your thoughts objectively. Instead of automatically accepting every thought, ask yourself,

“Is this thought helpful in living the life I value?”

If a thought aligns with your values, embrace it.

If not, recognize it as just a thought and let it pass through without judgment.

Cognitive defusion is a transformative skill that empowers us to gain control over our thoughts and emotions. By separating ourselves from our thoughts, we can choose which ones to believe and act upon. Whether you’re struggling with anxiety, or depression, or simply seeking to improve your mental health, cognitive defusion is a valuable tool that can enhance your well-being.

Incorporate cognitive defusion into your emotional toolkit alongside other techniques like challenging cognitive distortions from cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). Having a range of skills allows you to choose the one that best suits your needs and circumstances.

You are not your thoughts

Thoughts are experiences that you can observe, evaluate, and choose to act upon consciously. Embrace the freedom that cognitive defusion offers and live a life aligned with your values and aspirations.

*Chris is a changed name, but he is a real person, someone I have been coaching for the last 6 months.