How to Determine If Your Relationship Isn't as Healthy as You Think

It might be obvious to people looking from the outside. But those in the relationship themselves can seldom tell at all.

An abusive relationship is a big “yikes!” to anyone who hears about it. It’s like opening a can of worms. It talks about a lot of unhealthy factors that happen in relationships, especially really uncomfortable ones.

But what counts as emotional abuse? How do you know you’re being emotionally abused by someone you love? What makes it any different than regular abuse?

The one thing that drives an emotionally abusive relationship? Manipulation. And unfortunately, it’s easy to miss the signs when one is in this kind of relationship. So if you’re having second thoughts about your partner or if you’re starting to think you might be the manipulative one, here are the signs you should look out for:

Being Neglectful / Isolating the Partner

There are over 10 ways a person can be neglectful and isolating. If this person is the kind that prioritizes their own needs while simultaneously neglecting their partner’s, then they are probably doing the following:

1. Calling them “needy” for asking for emotional support
2. Interrupting them and rarely letting them say their piece
3. Shutting down communication
4. Holding affection hostage
5. Trying to make them everyone else’s enemy
6. Disputing their feelings
7. Making them feel unimportant by looking away or not making eye contact when talking
8. Not letting them socialize
9. Invalidating their feelings
10. Driving a wedge between them and their family
11. The silent treatment

You might find yourself in a situation where your partner is actively isolating you from your friends and family. You might not even notice it at first. But in the happenstance that you do recognize this for what it is, step back. Think about your situation for a second.

Blaming / Accusing the Other and Being in Denial

Some partners are just insecure. And they can’t handle it when that insecurity is being poked at with a stick. If they’re insecure, they might do the following:

1. Purposely upsetting you and then blaming you when you feel bad
2. Purposely breaking your belongings and then say it was an accident
3. Having unrealistic expectations
4. Denying the abuse and even gaslighting you
5. “You’re overreacting”
6. When things go wrong, it’s always somehow your fault
7. Being jealous of almost everyone
8. Guilt-tripping you

Technically, everything here falls under gaslighting. When your partner is somehow talking circles around you, not allowing you to speak during an argument, and putting words in your mouth, it’s gaslighting. It’s gotten pretty common and more widely known these days too.

It’s not a good relationship if your partner makes you doubt yourself. It’s best to assess your relationship and figure out whether it’s worth it.

Shaming / Controlling the Other

Nothing is worse than someone else taking control of your life. When you don’t have the freedom to do anything you want, you know it’s bad. These can be glaringly obvious compared to the other signs because some people get pretty aggressive about it.

Watch out for the following:

1. Blatant threats (Outright saying them is already a red flag. Subtly implying them is even worse. It’s not like it’ll diminish just how cancerous they are)
2. Always having to know where you are and what you’re doing
3. Invading your privacy, taking your phone, and asking for the password so they can monitor you digitally
4. You get no say almost all the time
5. When you can’t even spend your own money
6. Remembering your mistakes (every single one of them)
7. Direct orders
8. Violent mood swings
9. Getting you to do something they don’t want to do
10. They scream at you one second then spoil you the next
11. Shutting you down and stonewalling you during and after an argument
12. Refusing to hear you out and even walking out while you’re talking

A relationship is between two people. What use is it when only one of you gets a say about anything while the other is being kept mum about it? That’s not even categorized as a relationship at all.

Remember, you and your partner should have equal authority over any decision. Neither of you is entitled to each other since both of you are your own person. Privacy, too, should be respected. And hearing each other out during arguments is imperative.

Being Negative / Humiliating and Criticizing the Other

Some people like the power and the feeling of being in control. Those types of people are the ones who like it when they’re better than the other. Self-esteem issues get painfully obvious when the toxic partner makes it a point to make the other feel like less of themselves.

They also tend to do the following:

1. Insulting and name-calling
2. “You’re always messing things up” and describing their partner with the word “always” to others
3. Yelling
4. Being condescending and patronizing
5. Embarrassing and picking fights in public
6. Dismissive behavior
7. Offensive jokes and topping it with “Grow up, it’s just a joke”
8. Shooting you down when you’re excited about something and talking about your interest

When you’re in love, you’re supposed to be happy. But if you don’t even feel safe or secure in your relationship, is it really love to begin with?

What You Should Do

There’s no easy way to say this. But you should cut your losses.

The thing about toxic relationships is that it’s going to keep getting worse unless both of you start to make an effort to change for the better.

There are a lot of people out there that would rather be with you for just being you. If you think you can’t fix this person, then make an effort to get away and find someone else once you’ve emotionally healed.

Thankfully, not all people are like this. In fact, people from foreign countries are a lot more accepting and open about relationships. Some of them, too, are those that got out of miserable relationships and are there on dating sites in hopes of finding a healthier future.

Give yourself time to heal before you let yourself date again. There’s always going to be someone out there for you. And this time, it will be someone who will love you for you.