How to Break the Conflict Cycle in a Relationship

How to Break the Conflict Cycle in a Relationship

A minor problem becomes an issue. An issue leads to another argument that you know you have been over. One wants answers. The other won't give them. Neither feels like they are being heard.

There is something known as the conflict cycle. Just because you're caught in this cycle doesn't mean your relationship isn't worth saving. It's just something that you can become aware of.

If you are looking for ways to stop arguing in a relationship, look at how you and your partner interact with each other. We all argue with our partner from time to time, but there are ways to have those conversations without falling into the same cycle each time.

Learn more about the signs of a healthy relationship and what they can look like.

What is a conflict cycle?

Conflict cycles occur when you and your partner are having a fight. You may react to each action your partner takes, which causes them to react back to you.

Here is what that could look like.

Partner 1 brings up an issue.

Partner 2 gets defensive and reacts harshly.

Partner 1 begins to yell so their voice can be heard.

Partner 2 shuts down and stops talking or walks away.

Partner 1 continues to pursue by following partner 2 around, texting more messages, etc.

Both partners feel like they aren't being heard.

Each situation can trigger different emotions that can spiral, whether it be, "My partner doesn't value me," or, "I'm not in control of this situation." Those emotions can fuel the fire, but that does not mean your partner deserves to be spoken to poorly or threatened. You both need to take responsibility for how you speak to your partner.

Becoming Aware of the Cycle

When an argument begins to arise, you may find yourself wanting to get the upper hand or concede to the argument. Pause and take note of what's occurring.

• What sparked the argument?

• What did you believe your partner was doing?

• What did you do next?

• How did your partner react?

• What happened next?

Maya's example

Maya notices that her partner hasn't responded to her text about dinner. She believes that her partner does not care about her. So when he comes home, she says, "You only think about yourself." He takes this as an attack and states, "You can't please me anyway." Maya brings up past arguments. He walks out of the room. They are now arguing about him not respecting her and past wrongdoings.

Describing the cycle

You could describe the conflict cycle like this.

"We seem to fall into our cycle again. I get the feeling that you don't care about me. I start accusing you of not caring. You feel attacked and shut down."

By identifying the cycle, you can begin to take steps to not repeat it.

Begin With A Softer Start

The beginning of a sentence can determine how the rest of the conversation goes. Instead of starting with blame, try beginning with a softer start.

"I feel ____ when ___. Can you ___?"

"I feel frustrated and overlooked when you don't let me know that dinner plans changed. Can you send me a message next time if you'll be late?"

This allows your partner to understand how their actions have affected you and gives them the opportunity to fix the situation. It's not saying that you shouldn't feel upset about the situation. Just allow your partner to hear you out before you react.

For more ideas, read how to improve communication in a relationship.

Listen To What Your Partner Needs

When someone is upset about something, they may not always express themselves in the kindest manner. Rather than jumping to defend yourself, ask your partner what they need from you.

"What did you not like about that?"

You can also parrot back what your partner said to you.

"You feel like I don't care about our schedule and made you responsible for the entire night. Is that right?"

They may tell you no. That's okay. You don't have to agree with everything your partner says. Just show them that you understand how they feel.

"I understand that you felt disrespected when I didn't inform you that plans changed. I would like to share my perspective as well."

Don't jump to the "I understand but..." right away. Allow your partner to feel as if you listened to them.

Taking a Timeout

Sometimes we need to take a timeout when we feel our emotions getting the better of us. However, if you do decide to take a timeout, make sure to tell your partner when you will be coming back. If not, your partner may feel as if you are ignoring them or cutting off communication.

"I would like to resolve this issue with you, but I am feeling too emotional to have a rational discussion right now. Can we speak about this in 30 minutes at 7:30?"

While you're on your timeout, try not to think about what you want to say to your partner. Do something that will relax you, whether that be going for a walk or grabbing a glass of water. Once you are finished, come back to your partner at the specified time. If you feel that you need more time, let them know and set a new time.

Stay On Topic

There may be more topics that relate to your current argument, but by dragging up past issues, you're not going to solve anything. Stay on one topic that you both can discuss.

"We have other things that we can discuss as well, but let's focus on this one today. We need to figure out how we can handle last-minute changes to plans."

If your topic is too broad, break it down to one issue that you can discuss. Maybe your argument is, "We need to communicate more." Focus on one thing that you can communicate about.

"Can we try talking to each other more about plans that we have this week?"

This will give you both a task that you can accomplish.

Hold Yourself Accountable

When you know that you and your partner have fallen into a cycle, you can begin to change one thing. Tell your partner what you can do differently.

"I feel like I was wronged when you didn't tell me about your plans. I should not have called you selfish. I'm sorry for that."

"I walked away from the situation without telling you when I would be coming back. I will take a timeout next time and let you know when I will be ready to talk."

By acknowledging your wrong, you can begin to improve your relationship. You can both hold each other accountable for what you said and did during the argument.

Set a Goal

Once you and your partner have calmed down, set one goal that you both can work on. It can be as simple as texting your partner when you will be late.

• Letting your partner know when plans have changed.

• Taking timeouts when needed.

• No name-calling/threats.

• Speaking about the issue at hand and not bringing up past arguments.

• Parrot back what your partner is saying to you.

"I would like to work on letting you know when I'm running late this week. Can we discuss how it went on Sunday?"

By setting a goal, you and your partner can start to break out of your cycle. Don't give up if it doesn't work the first time. Work on improving the goal that you both agreed on.

Get Outside Help

Sometimes it's hard to break out of your conflict cycle. There are many resources available to you if you are struggling to end your cycle. A couples therapist can help you both understand your cycle and give you tools to overcome it. You can also seek outside help individually to understand your behavior.

If you are scared of your partner or they are threatening you, please reach out to someone that can assist you in that situation. Find someone in your area that can provide you with help.

Break Your Cycle

Your conflict cycle will become bigger if you and your partner continue to feed off each other's actions. The next time you notice a cycle begin, try to soften your start, ask for a timeout, or listen to your partner. You can always work on breaking your cycle. You can find more relationship advice on Clearer Connections.