How to be popular

Over the past few days, I have attended a number of social gatherings where my interactions with others have provided me with some new insights. During these interactions, I began to notice a particular social pattern. A large proportion of people are not good at socializing.

After a special dinner date with my partner and another couple, I came home feeling completely uninspired and insignificant. Even after spending 2 hours with this couple, I'm pretty sure they don't know anything about me beyond the obvious superficial details; My name is Tina, I'm Asian, and I live in Seattle. They don't know what I do for a living, what I specialize in, how I spend my time, or where I'm from. They were either not interested in me at all, or they just had poor social skills.

Later, as I analyzed the dinner participation, I began to realize why I avoided spending time with certain people in my life, even some friends I liked and respected. The answer is -- they focus too much on themselves and lack interest in me.

It makes sense, doesn't it? If someone doesn't have any interest in you, why would you want to spend your precious time with them? I'm sure there are a million other things you want to do.

I have a friend who, despite her many great qualities, derails social gatherings by talking about herself all night without raising a single question to the others at the table. She dominates dinner table conversation by constantly initiating topics that return to the theme of how smart she is. It's true. She's really smart. However, this quickly became annoying and apparently made other people around the table very uncomfortable. It also led to her being excluded from future engagement invitations.

The interesting lesson here is that we can adjust and improve our social skills by observing how others' actions make us feel. This way, we can make sure people feel good about their interactions with us and look forward to our next contact. Just think, if all meetings ended like this, wouldn't they be more enjoyable for us?

Why do we care about being liked?

Likability isn't just a quality that some of us are lucky enough to be born with, it's a learnable skill necessary for survival. In caveman times, if you didn't get along with your peers, you either became an outcast and were in danger of being eaten by tigers, or they might just bang your head against a rock.

In this day and age, being likable has huge advantages: the joy of true friendship, help and support from others, personal favors, occupational benefits, job advancement, believe it or not -- statistically lowers the chances of being sued.

Professionally, being a friendly and likable person is essential to your success. In the workplace, you can forget about equality, because people usually favor those they like, not necessarily those who do a better job. If you have a corporate job, think about the last time you did a year-end peer review. Have you ever intentionally or unintentionally made a coworker you like sound super nice, maybe even better than they really are? If there's a colleague you don't like on a personal level, do you find yourself being extra critical of their professional evaluations? To be honest, I've been affected in both directions.

The manager's view of his employees is the same. Yes, they talk about equality and fairness, but at the end of the day, how much they like people on a personal level often "affects" their opinion of a person's professional abilities and accomplishments.

Put yourself in the position of the hiring manager. Suppose you narrow down the candidates to two people who are the same in terms of experience, skills, education, etc., and the only difference between the two is that you find one person more likable than the other. Which one are you more likely to hire? Obviously, you're hiring people who are more of a "cultural fit," an HR term that means "more likable."

According to Malcolm Gladwell, in his book Blink, medical patients are less likely to Sue their doctors for negligence if they like them. Shocking, but it makes sense. Here's an excerpt from the book:

"Patients are suing because they have been harmed by poor care and other things have happened. What else is that? This is how they are treated by their doctors on an individual level. Time and again in malpractice cases, patients say they were rushed or neglected or treated inappropriately. "People just don't Sue the doctors they like," is how Alice Burkin, a leading malpractice lawyer, puts it.

I know, it sounds backward, but in some professional situations, your social skills are even more important than your technical skills.

The secret of popularity

After carefully analyzing the social skills of the people I like and the people I don't like so much, I made some simple points about how much better the first group was compared to the second.

Although some people are natural leaders and attract others through their undeniable charisma, that doesn't mean the rest of us have to be left behind. The following techniques can be learned, and as long as we are aware of them and willing to improve, they can help us become the person people enjoy interacting with.

Ask questions - People love to talk about themselves (myself included). Have you noticed that some people are very good at listening and asking probing questions, and it may be an hour before you notice that they keep asking you to talk about yourself? Have you ever noticed how you begin to develop an inexplicable fondness for this kind of talker? Use the technique yourself and ask questions to learn about the other people you interact with. If they are new, ask simple questions about their experiences and living arrangements. If they are close friends, ask them for updates on what's going on in their lives. Reviewing the details of your previous conversation shows that you've been listening, and that you care enough about this person to remember them.

Be Interested - Look for things you find interesting or different about other people and ask them questions about those things. When we find other people's qualities or experiences that make us curious, we can't help but look interested. Direct the conversation to topics that interest you by asking open-ended questions about the topic. This will engage others without feeling like you've just hijacked the topic.

Authenticity -- Be yourself, but don't focus entirely on yourself. We are all very good at spotting untrue statements and gestures. Once we do, trust is compromised and we begin to protect ourselves from others.

The "10-second Rule" - Sometimes having to wait until someone finishes a sentence can be painful. I'm a natural jammer, which conflicts with my desire to be a better listener. So, to avoid interrupting or even jumping in after the other person takes a quick breath of air (when they actually have more to say), I use the 10-second rule. When the other person stops, I count slowly to 10 in my head. You'll be surprised at how open they are when you give them enough space to talk. Actually, I actually used the 30 second rule, but started at 10 and then moved up to 30 with some practice.

Friendliness - Happy, warm, friendly people make us feel good. You can't help but like them. Where appropriate, give people hugs, laugh at them, and show them that you're happy to see them.

Build common ground -- we all like people who are like us, or who have the qualities we want. Every close friendship has some form of commonality that individuals share and bind them together. When you interact with people, look for things you have in common, hobbies, interests, habits, occupations, cities you live in, books you read, etc., and then ask them questions.

Look at them when talking - this may sound obvious to some people, but you'd be surprised how many people don't look at the person they're talking to. The worst thing you can do is look around the room when someone is talking to you - this is disrespectful and very frustrating for the speaker. It says to the speaker, "I'm really not interested."

Remember names - Remember people's names and use their name when you talk to them, but don't overuse it. Whenever I meet someone new, I repeat their name in my head until they have a chance to store it on their phone when they're not looking. To do this, I keep a notepad file on my phone. Interestingly, usually by the time the names are typed into my phone, I've already memorized their names by repeating them before recording.

Be helpful - Look for opportunities to help others. If your friend is planning a wedding or moving to a new house, ask if you can help. Offer your help and let them know that you will be there for them when they need it.

Open Your Heart - In any relationship, true friendship and intimacy are based on mutual acceptance and understanding. But sometimes, because of differences in personal values (i.e., religion), people try to understand others who are different from them. This can cause great conflict and pain, especially among family members. If you find yourself at odds with others' values, practice compassion and openness. Accept that person and support them, no matter your differences.