How to be grateful when you don't feel anything

You want to be grateful for what you have, but what if you were straight up honest? You don't feel it.

For many, admitting the truth carries immediate shame -- the shame of knowing in a world where so many people are homeless or hungry; Or be harmed, abandoned or mistreated; Or are dealing with a serious illness or the death of a loved one, and not being grateful is very, very bad.

So, we try to be grateful. "Okay," we said, throwing back our hair and straightening our shoulders. "Let me focus on gratitude. Here I come."

We came up with 10 things to be grateful for, and... Take a deep breath... It's still there, that subtle and persistent feeling of low-level disappointment, sadness, or disconnection from yourself or the world.

This could be the ultimate lose-lose situation. If you allow yourself to feel grateful knowing that this is not happening at the core level, then you will feel like a fraud. If you don't appreciate it, then... Okay, you're ungrateful. No Bueno.

Practice who you want to be

Gratitude, like courage, is a kind of practice. If you've been feeling shame for not being grateful, take a deep breath and relax. The first step to being is practice. And practice? You can do it.

Quick tip: People who practice things shouldn't master them. Note that simply rebuilding to make it an exercise automatically improves the ease of use factor.

This is where I suggest you start your gratitude exercise: from checking... Disappointment set in.

Of course, this is a very unorthodox way to find ways to be grateful. Usually, gratitude exercises focus on thinking about the good things in life, assuming that if you start connecting the good things together like a series of links in a chain, then your heart will become a burning tree of gratitude in a matter of time.

HMM... Perhaps, I retorted. It's certainly worth a try. But if that makes you feel like you're just reciting happy-happy-happy-happy affirmations, trying to trick yourself into not feeling how you really feel, then check for disappointment.

A few questions

First, when does disappointment happen? Can you recognize that moment when you're busy getting through the day and then disappointment sets in?

The husband arrived home. He forgot to run the errand you texted him (twice). Notice how disappointment precedes any other reaction (anger, sadness, depression).

You're going out to dinner with your kids. She took a long nap this afternoon, but five minutes after ordering, she broke down -- the kind you know from experience means leaving the restaurant. Notice the disappointment, how this differs from the general frustration of a screaming child around you.

A prospect enjoyed working with you, but then decided to go in a different direction. Notice the disappointment and how it translates into a story.

It is crucial to notice the moment of disappointment.

Before you even go out the door, disappointment can be in front of you, and you're looking for it. It keeps you from soaking in gratitude.

Whenever you get attached, disappointment may arise -- another obstacle to gratitude.

Disappointment can be related to a specific person, task, or day of the week (like Monday?). It can set the tone for the whole week, the whole experience, and again you can't appreciate it.

After examining the moment of disappointment, what is the thought form, or "disappointment story"?

Chances are, once you start examining the specific story, you'll see that it's a shockingly chronic, laughably banal and shockingly unoriginal idea that recyles itself in slightly different ways.

Here's the same mind-set:

"I hope that doesn't happen."

"It shouldn't be like this"

"It's so frustrating."

"Why can't it go well for once?"

The language is slightly different, depending on the scene.

Be curious

Note that this new and unorthodox practice of gratitude begins with being curious about the reality of what is happening, even before attempting to change anything.

You: Disappointed.

You: Don't feel appreciated.

You: Slow down and listen to the thoughts that come to you.

You: Don't try to fix anything -- just notice.

For some people, just being curious is enough and they will look into the mirror and see a little twinkle in their eye.

"Keep your head up, girl, because you're doing great," you'll think, before your lips curl into a tiny smile.

Buddhists in particular like to point out that the simple act of examining the truth of your experience is often enough to change it. Being with the truth can be so free that any tension we maintain is... Disappeared. Like that. And then life is wonderful.

For everyone else, there's another step: Ask yourself, "Is this really true?"

Is it true?

From narrative therapy to Byron Katy to Eckhart Toler to old-fashioned Buddhist philosophy, many before me have invited people to question the truth of the stories they hold to, especially those that cause them pain.

So, you've settled on the thought form, the story, and now you've added some inquiry.

"He always forgets." -- Is it true? Is it true? Always?

"I'm tired of this." -- Is it true? Or something else you hate? Or is your reaction to what is happening something that is making you sick?

"I knew it wouldn't work." -- Is it true? Or is it a defense against pain?

"Of course it happened; It will never work." -- Is that true? Come on now. It will never work? Can you name any time it has ever had? All right. Sometimes, it works. Do you pay attention to those times as much as you pay attention to other places?

Go down this rabbit hole and, with enough practice, you will begin to see that the only real thing in your emotional landscape is what you say is true.

If you can no longer see the "he always forgets" truth, you will start to remember The Times he remembers.

If you find that your reaction is what is making you sick, then you have space to be thankful for noticing this so that you can change it.

If you find that it is not true that it will never work, then you have the space to acknowledge all the time, when it happened, when disaster was averted, when it was the right moment that day, or when a friend happened to call earlier that you were about to lose it, and when you cry, listen with love.

Back to gratitude

When disappointment takes center stage, we forget the magic of these common experiences, and the usual antidote is to try to bypass the experience of disappointment in hopes of finding a shortcut to gratitude.

You can make yourself feel grateful, and sometimes that will be the door to change that will make you feel better.

Other times, when disappointment arises, you can choose to work with it.

You don't have to force yourself to feel something you don't actually feel. You just have to admit what you're actually feeling and see if it's (really) true for you. I am grateful for every waking, breathing moment I have had the opportunity to do so.