Confronting My Childhood Fear

The first memory that comes to mind when I think of fear in my childhood is about being brave. I was probably 8 years old and spent a few weeks in summer at my grandparents’ farm.

My grandparents had a house and a small garden with animal sheds. They owned another enclosed land nearby, separated by a narrow path. I haven’t been on that path for a long time, since before my grandmother passed away in 2013.

I remember how this path was often overgrown unless my grandpa or my dad would trim the wild grasses. The path seemed long and wispy, undulating through berry bushes and shaded by mulberry and acacia trees. It would have bordered on romanticism, were I not more into horror stories and adventure books that often had pirates or some villain lurking by. The books, that is. I was a fierce reader.

One late afternoon, as we were winding down and chatting with my grandma, she suddenly realized she might have left the gate open on the other side of the land, towards the fields. This could have had dire consequences, as thieves could enter the big garden and steal veggies, fruits, or even corn. If I remember correctly, it was late July, and corn was already ripe.

So, bringing this up, my grandma glanced at me, sized me up from head to toe, and with great confidence she declared I could go there and check the gate by myself. I was taken aback for a few seconds and was simultaneously proud that my grandma had such faith in me. It felt like a task for a grown-up girl, even though I was afraid and extremely nervous because I was typically the shy one at home and seldom permitted to do things independently.

My heart was beating fast, and my adrenaline was rushing, engulfing my thoughts and allowing me to say a defying ‘yes’ while springing out of the house and towards the land, down the narrow, winding path. It was already getting dark, well past 9 pm. So picture me running with my heart in my mouth, hurrying to the big gate on the other side. It was a gate made out of bigger twigs, tied together with wire, mostly to prevent the animals from getting in but also camouflaging the land, making it difficult for anyone to get in.

I was terrified, running and defying my intuition signals for the first time. Nothing bad happened, though, thank God! It only seemed like a long trip when I was back in about 5–7 minutes tops. The mission was accomplished. I had checked the gate and the big twigs were in place, I ran back quickly, while the path was already dark, imagining all sorts of creatures jumping out of the bushes, while an owl was hooting ominously on the top of an acaccia tree.

I overcame this fear, but that same night, I dreamt it again, with my subconscious adding thieves chasing me. Thankfully, I woke up before they caught me in my dream, and I prayed until I fell back asleep, peacefully and without more nightmares.

This story was a powerful lesson for me, even if I didn’t understand it so clearly right away. But it was engraved in my mind and I still remember so much from it. Surely it had a lot to do with the fear I experienced, but at the same time I also went out of my comfort zone, for once and I felt useful and bold in my action.

Throughout my childhood, I used to be told or asked why I couldn’t do something properly by myself, while at the same time being pushed to be more assertive. I was confused and couldn’t be myself for fear of constantly being criticized. My shyness became a coping mechanism, a withdrawal into my inner safe place.

My takeaway from this story is the significance of empowering and supporting children. When parents overshield or dismiss any attempt at independent thinking and action, children may fear and feel self-conscious about their flaws.

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Here is the Nonfiction April Prompts on Simple Story Seekers. I chose the following one:

3. Write about how you first experienced fear in your childhood.

Tell a simple story about how you first learned about fear. Can you recall the person or event that made you first experience the emotion of fear? Please try to remember and share your thoughts. What did you learned from the experience? You can go as deep as you feel like or not deeply at all, no pressure. This topic will certainly trigger something uncomfortable if you decide to explore it.

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***I originally published this story on Medium.***

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