His Name is a Prayer

Sometimes I wake up and want to be what some like to call a "hopeless romantic". Then, sometimes I wake up and just want to be left alone. I'm also the kind of woman that when I meet a guy and there is some form of interest, I pray for a sign of that man being for "me", whether through friendship or relationship form for my life.

I met a guy one time, and his name is a prayer, his name is "Sovereign". I means like how much more of a sign is that. however, I knew that his name is a title of a prayer, I had never actually read that particular prayer. The thing is when I start to vibe with someone I lose all logic (terrible trait I know). and follow my heart. I'm also a "fixer" I like to help fix people. I love first and ask questions later.

At the beginning of our friendship he was so transparent, consistent in communication (a must for me), and so much more, and we developed a great friendship (that I will always cherish). Then, it seemed as if he changed overnight. I believe that no matter what all of us are fighting something within or mind and in our heart, that no matter how much we try to hide or even express no one will ever understand. we can only try to empathize while dealing with our own problems.

I like to help people, it's my purpose, but I haven't quite got it all the way down. So, if a person that I am close to starts to withdraw I get paranoid, simply because I care (to much at times). With him though I didn't just want our friendship to just sail away, because I thought he was one of the most intriguing people I had ever met, but he had some real issues going on. Not like he was crazy, he just needed to be by himself to deal and work on himself alone and I had a hard time accepting that.

So, I finally decided to look up the "Sovereign Prayer", and one part really caught my eye, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change". That alone hit me like a ton of bricks. I am a "fixer" and it's hard for me not to be able to help somebody to the compacity that I think or feel they should be at.

Which then lead me to realize maybe I try to fix other people, because there are things that I need to fix about myself. I have many flaws... I'm moody, I get easily angered, I'm messy (I hate folding laundry), I'm senseless in the way that I love so easily, I'm restless, I get impatient...etc. So, maybe I use loving people or "fixing" people as a way to not focus on my own need for self-love. I needed to understand that without self-love I can't change another person's mind to love themselves. Within any relationship or friendship there is a lesson that is going to be learned and in this friendship with Sovereign I was helped to understand.... change happens not when we want it to, but only when the person sees it, and recognizes it, and is determined to fix it. Now, I know I can't fix anyone not even a friend that I love dearly if I don't fix myself.