He Used to Love Me & Now He Doesn’t

You find it baffling, the reason behind it eludes you.

Everything seemed to be going smoothly.

In times of difficulty, you stood by his side. He promised to safeguard you and provide security.

He was an integral part of your life, just as you were in his.

But now he claims his feelings have changed?

How can love simply vanish in an instant?

Perhaps he's involved with someone else. There must be some explanation.

You won't rest until you uncover the truth. You're prepared to do whatever it takes to mend it.

You're determined to fight for this relationship...

Because that's the essence of love.

An Arrow Through the Heart

Witnessing the man you love walking away from you is an indescribable agony.

It's a piercing ache that feels like an arrow piercing your heart.

The pain intensifies as your mind incessantly replays that heart-wrenching scene.

He walked away from you once, yet in your memories, he continues to walk away repeatedly, inflicting fresh anguish each time.

There's a poignant Buddhist parable that captures this sentiment.

According to the parable, a person is struck by an arrow, causing searing pain to course through their entire being.

But the pain doesn't end there. A second arrow follows, inflicting an even greater agony than the first.

This second arrow represents their reaction to the initial pain. "Why did this happen to me? I don't deserve this. It's so unjust!"

Thus, the person suffers twice — once from the original pain and again from their response to that pain.

In life, we may not have control over whether the first arrow strikes us, but we do possess the power to manage the second arrow.

The Story You Tell Yourself

If I were to craft the most agonizing narrative imaginable for a breakup, a tale that sharpens the barbs on that second arrow, it might unfold like this:

Once upon a time, a man and a woman were deeply in love. Their bond was enchanting, and they believed their happily ever after was within reach. But then, a dreadful event transpired...

The woman unknowingly committed a grave mistake, one that was deemed unforgivable.

She lost his love because she deemed herself unworthy. Her perceived lack of attractiveness failed to sustain his interest, and she fell short in her quest to bring him happiness.

He was so repulsed by her that he swiftly fell in love with the very next woman he encountered—a woman as beautiful and gentle as a character from a Disney fairy tale.

Now, the ex spends her days fruitlessly endeavoring to win him back, gradually withering away, while he blissfully enjoys a life of eternal happiness alongside his rightful love.

Truly a dreadful tale, isn't it?

Fortunately, it remains purely a work of fiction!

Such a narrative is the last thing you (or anyone else) would want to recount when discussing a breakup.

Why exacerbate a painful experience by convincing yourself that you alone are responsible for his departure?

And yet...

Countless women inquire about their perceived faults that led to their ex's withdrawal.

They firmly believe that the love they lost was invaluable. They are willing to humble themselves and beg for forgiveness, hoping it might change his mind.

They feel their entire existence hinges upon rectifying this supposed error. Without winning him back, they believe they will never experience happiness again.

Truly, an excruciating second arrow to endure.

Tell Yourself a Better Story

If you find yourself grappling with the pain of a breakup, I implore you to reexamine the significance you have attached to this experience. Are you inadvertently inflicting another arrow upon yourself?

Breakups are undeniably painful, and such wounds require careful attention and nurturing to heal.

One way to initiate the healing process is by constructing a narrative that promotes healing from what transpired.

Envision yourself as a storyteller. Pen down the tale of a man (representing your ex) and a woman (symbolizing you), as if it were a fable that unfolded in someone else's life.

Once you finish, revisit the narrative. Ask yourself:

"Is this a story that uplifts and aids my healing, or is it a story that exacerbates my pain? Am I unwittingly piercing my own heart with that second arrow, or am I mending my wounds?"

Now, if you had the choice, you would have opted to remain in that relationship indefinitely.

However, that choice was not within your grasp.

A relationship comprises two individuals, and when one person desires to depart, it ceases to exist.

Nevertheless, you still possess one choice:

The choice to determine the meaning you ascribe to this event.

You can convince yourself that it signifies eternal unhappiness, the loss of the only man capable of loving you, a squandered investment of your emotions, and your irreparable brokenness and advancing age, impeding any future prospects of love.

You could certainly tell yourself that...

But why would you?

Equally, you could tell yourself that you do not wish to be with a man who does not reciprocate the same depth of love.

You could remind yourself that mistakes occur within relationships, and if he cannot extend forgiveness for your imperfections, the relationship was destined for failure regardless.

You could affirm that you possess an expansive heart, that love will grace your life once more, and that you will employ this experience to navigate future relationships with greater wisdom.

Indeed, it may be a narrative, just a story...

Yet, it is a story that nurtures your healing, soothing the ache within.