Gay In Public

Dear Dakarai,

To hold your hand, to touch you, means everything to me.

Each day I do my best: I study, I work, I try to make people happier, and you're there for those days. And when things get bad? When I get turned down by a fellowship, or I have some difficult students, or I get booked for 12 hours of online lectures and meetings, I can still count on your touch, your voice, to remind me that things will be okay. After all, time with you is defined by goodness, so how can I be anything but okay when I'm with you?

These aren't the ramblings of some spaced-out 21-year-old; I know what I can commit to. I decided to be a doctor when I was 8, so I went to a BS/MD program straight out of high school. But that's just one type of lifelong commitment. Once I had gotten to college, however, I feared what I had known about myself was false. You know how I dated 6 guys over 2 years through a whirlwind of colorful apps and gently glowing messages, and how that burn of vulnerability weighed on my sexual and emotional selves.

You know how each one lasted an average of a month, even though most of them weren't that bad. The 3-monther, I realize, just felt like a stranger. You know that other one I broke up with on New-Year's Day when I realized I couldn't bear to kiss him. Oh, and you know which one was just an emotionally stunted penis with legs; yeah, that one. But still, despite each farewell being a reasonable decision, I thought there must have been something wrong with me; why couldn't I find what I wanted?

The damage was particularly bad in February 2019 when I was against being truly close to anyone in romance, friendship, or otherwise. That guy, you know which one, made me want to give up on people altogether. But I told myself that had to be silly; we're social creatures after all, right? Well, I guess I only fully remembered that while watching Russian Doll on loop. So even though I felt I wanted nothing to do with anyone, I got back on Tinder in March and moved on.

And then you showed up.

I say now that my love for you is like water because I have flowed naturally with you since we first met. I had someone I could talk about anything, ANYTHING, with, and it was easy to listen to you too. On our first date we walked and talked for hours through the city, on the highline, and even to your favorite place on the river in Chelsea. It was cold there, so you let me wear your denim jacket while we sat close together. I probably would have immediately given it back if I had already known how cold you tend to get, but looking back, that sacrifice of warmth meant you felt the same way about me. So we failed to say goodbye on the train, I brought you home for a while, and, only after our first kiss, you left.

I don't have to explain to you why I like to hold your hand, but it lets me feel closer to you. It also lets me warm up your perpetually cold fingers. That's why I didn't notice that people were watching us when we walked around the Bronx. I'm sorry that you had to tell me though, and that we had to start being careful of where we were.

So that one night, when we let go of each other automatically as we passed two old ladies, we were terrified to hear one of them shout "YOUNG MAN!" When we stopped and turned, we probably were thinking the same thing: What could two homophobic ladies do to us? What additional trauma could they bestow that would keep me from being close to you? But the lady that yelled pointed down to my side and said "hold his hand."

It turned out that the ladies were married. "This is my wife," the loud one said. They were out walking their dog that night, and they were moved to see two young gay men, us, holding hands despite the homophobia of the Bronx. They said they admired how people hadn't kept us down despite our races and sexuality. So, along with the laughs, I learned that my love for you is not just water; it's change and rebellion.

I know things won't always be easy for us, but I know they'll be easiest with you. Things have been pretty scary with Trump stoking all the homophobia and racism, and it's not like we're two white twinks in midtown. But the two years with you have brought some of the best moments of my life, and the only place I can see myself being is next to you. So now, even though everything has been so hard, I am glad we are so in love. We're the best team, and we'll do it all together.

I love you Dakarai.

-Noah