Friend-zoned: From Pal to Pervert

In a moment of distress Jack came to my rescue. We had only met once before, and barely spoke then, but today he was my knight in shining armor. Over the next few months Jack and I became very close. We shared secrets, insecurities, laughter, tears and in a night of Tequila-induced passion, we shared my bed.

The very next day I was back with my then on again/off again boyfriend, Christian, but Jack and I decided to remain friends. Before long me and Christian were off again and Jack and I once more engaged in mind-blowing sex. That’s when things got weird.

How had my best guy friend, someone with whom I had shared so many fond memories like Taylor Swift sing-alongs in the car, become enthralled with the idea of an “us”? Well unbeknownst to me, my progressive attitude on sex was not shared by all. Sex does not equate love or require a relationship. It seemed like a simple concept but much like communism, it looks good on paper but isn’t beneficial for all involved.

Somewhere along the way, though I had made it crystal clear I was not interested in a relationship with him, Jack caught feelings and I pulled away from our once amazing friendship. I couldn’t understand why my friend didn’t respect my boundaries. Why couldn’t he just turn off his need to have me all to himself? The answer was simple - I kept stringing him along.

In Jack’s mind I was the perfect girl for him and in my mind he was just another man trying to tie me down and control me. I was at a point in my life where friends had become enemies in the blink of an eye. I was alone in many ways and I needed him. The truth was I didn’t want to lose my friend so I used the one thing that had always gotten me what I wanted in life, my sex appeal.

As time went on I was predictably back and forth with Christian and even managed to complicate things further by throwing in another ex, Charlie, to fill the “off again” periods. All the while Jack stood by my side and comforted me through heartbreak and heartache. He was my go-to when I needed a shoulder to cry on and later a place to stay when my house was burned down under nefarious circumstances.

The months ticked by after the fire and I had begun staying with Charlie on an unintentional permanent basis. I simply had no where else to go. As it always did, our passion for each other spun out of control. His in a sexual nature and mine in matters of the heart. His was a love I could never seem to shake. Charlie had a grip on my soul like no other and I’d sacrifice anything and everything if he would make me his one and only...but that’s a story for another day. Charlie was a sexual force with which to be reckoned, just like myself, and we engaged in some very taboo endeavors, the latest involving Jack.

The first of many experiences of erotic bliss, they used my body like a pleasure palace. My two best friends, Jack & Charlie, had fulfilled so many of my tawdry fantasies and each time I witnessed Jack becoming more enamored with me. This went on for months as I was doing the usual on-again/off-again thing with Christian. And I also continued doing the usual by employing my sexual prowess to keep Jack at an arms length yet willingly providing for my many needs.

Once again Christian and I were reigniting our tumultuous love affair. This time Jack had enough of my indecisiveness and packed my things from his house, moved them to an abandoned house I owned and set them on the porch. He would not let me come to pack my own things because he couldn’t bear the sight of me if I would not be his. That was when he professed his love for me.

I was devastated that my bestie would rather have me bouncing around from couch to couch and hotel to hotel and have no security for my few remaining belongings all because he supposedly loved me. This didn’t feel like love; it felt like extortion. If I refused to love him in kind I would be forced to give up the comforts of the place I’d used as my safety net many times before.

Only a few weeks passed as my bliss quickly turned to torment with Christian, as it always had. I use the term torment as an understatement. He had brutalized me physically, mentally and sexually, committing unspeakable acts to break me down. I was a pile of nothingness and thought I wasn’t good enough for the abusive junkie I settled with.

When Christian ghosted me for a dope whore he had met only a week prior, at which point he had sex with her while I was in the same house, it was the back breaking straw I needed to set me free. I found myself back at Charlie’s house with no where else to go. I had patched things up with Jack but our friendship was still on shaky ground.

Once again we engaged in naughty play and as I found myself begging for him in passion I saw the love in his eyes as he shoved his manhood down my throat. I know it’s hard to believe but the more I screamed in orgasm at the hands of these two men the more he fell for me. Again, I was sexually charging his endearment and all for my personal gain. This time it was to please Charlie in hopes he’d fall back in love with me like I was with him.

And as it always did, things began to go south with Charlie. We pushed each other’s buttons. We called each other names. We used the secret fears we shared with each other as ammo. I once again called upon my safety net, Jack.

Each time my heart broke for someone else he was there to pick up the pieces. He was there to bring me pudding and m&ms and coffee and any other of the current cravings I had. He was there for me and I was there for myself. He watched me hyperventilating in emotional distress knowing he could treat me right but I just couldn’t love him like he did me.

Jack’s friendship blossomed with Charlie, much to my displeasure, and it was starting to show that Charlie’s style of brazen sexual advances was rubbing off on Jack. As I lie in Jack’s California King, depressed and uninspired, he was studiously cleaning and preparing his home for me. I was ungrateful and self-centered. I was feeling like a used up whore whom had been discarded for the next 20-something bimbo to catch Charlie’s eye. Instead of the usual care I received I was met with catty jabs at my emotional distress and naive heart.

I was not comforted. I was not waited on hand and foot. Instead I was requested payment in the likes of the old adage “ass, gas or grass - no one rides for free”. I woke to Jack’s fingers plunged deep inside me. I woke to him groping my breasts and grinding his hardness against me. I woke to a deviant whom I created.

My refusal was answered with a painfully sharp tone. I almost didn’t recognize it as the voice of my sweet friend. Jack was no longer playing Mr. Nice Guy. Jack had turned into the men who made me run to him in the first place.

He constantly talked about the perverse acts he wanted to engage in with me. He talked about how I was so sexy, how he couldn’t wait to make me scream out in pleasured pain. I advised him to hang a mirror by his bed because girls liked to watch themselves having sex. I was the best wing-woman, hands down, and wanted my friend to get the action he so desired...from some other woman. He hung the mirror and promptly said he did it for me. He reminded me several times by dropping not-so-subtle hints.

Through my need for Mr. Comfortable I created a Jeckyl & Hyde. I created another man who wanted to use me like a sex object. I created a monster and I lost my best friend.

So while I still do not equate sex with love and do not feel a relationship is prerequisite to sex I now understand why some lines should never be crossed. Is there really such a thing as a friend with benefits or is it some mythical creature that can never be captured? I guess I’ll never know as I do not wish to continue to explore this treaturous territory. This audacious journey has already created far too many casualties.