Who am I?
It’s a question I never really struggled with until I graduated high school and started college. I thought I had it all figured out, but I realized I hadn’t.
It wasn’t real. I merely existed and, at times, played pretend.
I always put myself in false narratives of someone I thought I was.
I was tossed back and forth in a tumultuous sea of what my family wanted me to be and depression. However, at the time, I didn’t know it was depression.
The waves crashed over me, dragging me down, attempting to drown me, and every time I resurfaced, I thought I still knew myself. After all, no one knew me better than me, right?
Wrong.
If I work hard, I’ll get my degree.
If I work hard, I’ll get my dream job.
If I work hard, I’ll meet my family's approval.
If I work hard, maybe, just maybe, I’ll stop existing.
Many things happened a few years after I graduated high school, and there’s not enough time to tell it all. But the depression was getting worse. It was one thing after another, and I reached a point of not caring as I constantly questioned myself.
Who am I? What did I want to do with my life?
I didn’t even know anymore.
Was I not the girl who had her future planned out? Satisfied with my lot in life, I had everything going for me.
Was I not free-spirited and loving? Didn’t I always drift from one event to the next, taking everything in stride, like an adventure?
Or, was I the negative voices inside my head or heard my family spew at me?
It was confusing.
No one could tell me the answer, but maybe, I thought, God could.
He was prominent in my life from a young age, though I rarely attended church. Regardless, God slowly slipped out of my mind as I grew older and chased my endeavors.
Through a dear friend of mine, I returned to church and back to God. My problems didn’t magically disappear through this divine connection. Yet, little by little, I found my sense of self.
Through the verses, songs, sermons, and tears, I was healing and discovering something that helped me see clearly.
I was no longer the confused girl trying to find herself in a big world. I wasn’t the labels my family put on me or the thoughts inside my head.
I was simply me, a child of God.
My identity no longer came from the success I thought I needed, the family around me, the video games I liked, or the books I read. It came from God, and that helped me more than anything.
There are times, even now, when the negativity still gets to me and I feel the depression crawling back. I always remember where my identity comes from and what I know to be true.
I am redeemed.
I am worthy.
I am loved.
I’m not holier than thou. I don’t stand above everyone else in perfection.
I’m still human. I stumble and fall and make mistakes. And that’s okay because I grow and learn from them.
Yet, having that support under me, and knowing who I am after everything I endured was comforting.
Life is hard, but such is life.
I am me.
Comments (1)
Fabulous work! ❤️