For You

I don't really know what love is for you,

You dare telling me to go, and yet you'll gonna show the sign for me to stay,

you keep repeating things of goodbyes, and yet you'll gonna pull me back to you,

your asking time alone, and yet you gonna show me you want me to stay,

but those shows only last for a day.

Is this what they called love of maturity,? fighting is normal and pretend everything is still thesame,? are those words "if you don't want this you are free, if you dont want my way of living you are free, this is me, if you dont want you know where I stand, you are always free." are called love..?

Then why I can't tell you the same thing, why can't I dare, why am still in the point of myself caring so much to hurt you.

For what I know about loving someone is,

You care to hurt them,

You care to make them feel alone or sad,

You care for what is in their head,

You care for what words they want to say,

You care to asked about how they feel towards, and you still gonna asked if love is still there..

You still care for emotional connection, and you'll gonna notice whats gonna change no matter what, and you still care for fixing things with me.

Love is when you have an argument of some matters, or to reach the point of fighting, you wont dare to push them away, because you don't wanna loose them, you'll gonna talk about that matter to fix it or to try to understand why..?

But we don't have that..

We have arguments and fightings.

Then to say goodbyes and your favorite lines

"if you don't want this you are free, if you dont want my way of living you are free, this is me, if you dont want you know where I stand, you are always free."

That's what we have..

I choose to stay because in my head maybe this is part of maturity, to understand you better,

To keep you beside me so you maybe feel how much I really love you and care about you.

I keep myself silent thinking to love you is to accept who you are..

But then, am almost tired.

Tired of understand why can you say those words towards me everytime am trying to talk about things that we are fighting for, everytime I am asking you, why..?

I am getting tired of trying to understand that maybe you are still in your healing process from your past that made you like this, maybe you still scared of trying to have a life with me.

But we already spend 5 years of our life together and nothing change.

Are you still in your healing process,?

Are you still scared..?

Or you love to making me feel hurt everytime..

I am in the point of what about me, what about who I am, what about what I want to say, what if am gonna do thesame thing too, what if I'll push you away too.. would be able to stay,,?

What if I am almost used for those words, what if sometimes I feel not to care at all, what if my love for you change by the way how you pushing me away, what if my heart trying to build wall between my feelings for you to protect me..

If oneday my all What Ifs and my all Almost will be I am, would you still blame me for that..?

Am writing it because untill now you know nothings about all of these, and you don't have the time to listen for all these in me, yah I know you'll gonna tell me again your favorite lines and your gonna tell me every bit of tiredness in this world..

Baby oneday If I start showing you too much love and care that I never did before, there's only two things in my head and deep inside me, it's either I know I want you to be my last, or am about to say my final goodbye.