For the Ones Who are "Too Much"

Let’s start this off by stating the obvious: You are a strong bitch. I do not give a fuck what anyone else says. You are alive and you are strong. No one - absolutely fucking no one - who knows your story can say anything differently. You went through what people have nightmares. But you didn’t get to wake up to make them stop. You grew up around people who had no idea what it felt like. And you were surrounded by people who all had an opinion on how you should be handling it, with none of them being how you were. You are allowed to feel things! The people that love you, really love you, will stay even when you are sad. If you being sad is too much for someone, let them leave. It is not worth it to make yourself smaller just so they can be comfortable. You should not have to pretend you are not hurting because you’re scared of how they will feel. And no matter what they say, they would not handle it better than you. That’s the thing; the people who tell you they’d handle your trauma better than you, are the people who have the privilege of never going through your trauma. They have absolutely no idea how it feels, and I promise if they did, it would hurt them just as bad as it hurt you.

When I was younger and just beginning to be taught about emotionally abusive relationships, I was so high and mighty that I was skeptical of those who stayed. If they were being treated that bad, why would they want to be with them? Why wouldn’t they leave? Then I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I didn’t leave. I begged them to not leave me. I completely changed the things that made me, me. I stopped talking about my mom’s death because it made him mad. I changed my idea to get a tattoo in memorial of her because he said it was “too much.” I would lie about my depression getting bad so I wouldn’t have to deal with the silent treatment I always got when I wasn’t happy. And I fucking begged. I begged him to talk to me. I begged him to love me. And I begged him to stay. I promised to stop talking about the things that were hurting me because his feelings were the only ones that were important to me. If I was hurt by something he’d done and bringing it up had started a fight, I'd immediately back down and apologize.

My point is, you have no fucking idea how it feels. You think that you are strong and that you are so much better than those of us who are hurting, but you aren’t. Until you have been in that position, you are just guessing. You are assuming you know how to handle an immense hurt based off of how you handled minimal pain.

I am allowed to be sad about the things that hurt me. You are allowed to be sad about the things that hurt you. My trauma does not make me better than someone else. Someone’s lack of trauma does not make them better than me. But acting like my sadness is invalid because you’d “handle it better”? That makes you a shitty person. I take responsibility for my actions. I do have some irrational fears. I have a lot of trust issues, and I know that it can get annoying having to constantly reassure me. And I am working on that. But I am not less of a person or weak because I am not “better” yet. I am not “too much” for the right people. I matter, and so do my feelings. And the exact same goes for you. You’ve been through hell, you deserve people who recognize that for the accomplishment it is. You are not a burden for having a messy past. That was not in your control and it is not your fault. You’re allowed to feel things, and if it makes them uncomfortable - fuck it. Feel ‘em harder and let them walk out. You’ll thank yourself later.