Here's What I've Learned so Far

Bad things change you.

I know what you’re thinking: “No shit Stormy, of course they do.” Just bear with me. I will make a point.

They change what you want in the future, what you wear, how you talk, everything. After bad stuff happens, you adapt. You change your day-to-day life so as to heal and never feel like that again. You pick up the pieces and try your best to move on. When the bad thing is really bad you develop some type of mental illness surrounding it, whether it’s depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD, etc. And just about everyone understands. It’s understandable that someone who went through what you did is struggling with a mental illness. It’s to be expected that you’re scared of feeling that way. Everything you’re feeling and doing is completely valid.

Except, it’s really not.

I cannot tell you guys how many times I’ve used the excuse “My anxiety just makes me *insert negative personality trait of your choice here*.” Or, “I just get really *insert another negative personality trait here* when my depression starts to flare up.” Or my favorite: “I’m scared, can I call you?”

Again, I know what you’re thinking. “But my mental illness does make me do things, it’s not my fault.”

I’m here to tell you that unfortunately, it is your fault. You are the one that yelled at your friends. You are the one that dumped everything on your significant other. You didn’t do your homework because you didn’t feel good. Mental illnesses might make it harder to get things done. They might make you irritable. That shit happens. But that doesn’t make it not your fault. You can’t use past trauma and mental illness as a crutch to not get better and treat those around you like shit. Blaming your actions on your mental illness is not an apology. It's an excuse. Yes, you were a victim of a shitty circumstance. But you can't always think of yourself as the victim.

And yes, if your best friend just left you and slept with your crush you’re 100% allowed to be upset. You can even be pissed. But calling them a bitch five years later when they try to apologize? Three years later and you meet a boy and you won’t let him follow any Instagram models because they aren’t you and oh my god what if he falls in love with one of them and leaves you? Getting pissed at him whenever he’s nice to another friend? Not fucking cute. Not fucking anxiety. Not being “scared.” That’s just you being a shitty person.

I'm not a bad person. I just don't ever want to feel like that again.

You get so caught up in getting worried about getting your feelings hurt, you don’t care to look around and see who’s feelings you’re hurting. Just because bad shit happened to you, does not mean you get a lifetime pass to be a bitch to people. If they say they care about you, and prove it to you every day—they care about you. They don't have to keep doing more and more. You can't keep asking for more and more. They are doing everything they can. You forget that everyone else in the world has shit going on too.

If you’re hurting the people that care about you, then how are you any better than the ones that hurt you? It’s no one’s responsibility to “heal you.” You have to decide to do that shit yourself, and then you have to consistently do the steps to achieve that until you are better. Not until you think you can handle it yourself—because I hate to break it to you, but you aren’t handling it. You’re just taking advantage of the fact that you have people that are willing to stay by your side, no matter how shitty you are to them. People are not required to help and listen, so I hope to god you feel fucking lucky that you have people like that around you. That shit isn’t easy. And you better thank them every god damn day.

Or don’t. Take and take and take from the people you love and never give anything back. Treat them like shit and blame it on your past. Act like you don’t care about them, but yell when they try to leave. Get mad when they can’t give you 100% of their attention every day. Be passive aggressive when they tell you that you’ve hurt them. Become the person you’ve been trying so hard to avoid.

Trauma isn’t easy. Dealing with it is sometimes even harder. But that’s the cards you were dealt. They are in your hand. Not his, not hers. Yours. Your mental illness is not an excuse. It’s manageable if you’re willing to put in the effort. If you’re not, and instead wait around until people come around to "fix" you? You’re toxic. Plain and simple.