English teachers know best

Monday 13/3/19

11:00 pm. It’s been such a busy day, I feel like I haven’t stopped. I say that, but, I do always take time to write. Right now, it's 11 pm and I’m sitting in my bed, sinking into my pillows, I feel truly calm. In the spotlight of my reading light, it’s just me and my thoughts. There is something comforting about the darkness. However, looking at my flat now, the darkness is making it look much cleaner, so maybe that’s it. It never ceases to amaze me that, despite living in the heart of London, I still seem to get peace at night. Maybe that says more about me, but there is something undeniably special about the continuous murmur of the city, the yellow musky sky that, even in the midnight hours of the darkest winter nights, never seems to fully go to sleep – always retaining some colour and life. That could be the setting for my next book? No, stop, I need to get this one done first. Anyway, I NEED to go to bed.

Tomorrow's to-do list:

• Meeting with publishers
• Clean the flat
• Go to the dry cleaners

Tuesday 14/3/19

1:50 pm. A coffee really does seem to sort everything out. A small pocket of quiet in my day, a 10-minute break before my next meeting. Spring is just beginning, so I thought I’d chance having my coffee outside. The air is still cold, but somehow it seems that the sun always finds you. Peeping through the branches of the still bare trees to keep you warm as you dream of the summer that is to come. I’m sitting here watching everyone rush past on the street with the soundtrack stressed gossiping from the tables beside me, but I feel completely still. I am so grateful for all the possible paths my life could have gone down, but that this is the one I am currently on. In some ways, life is so fragile, just waiting to be pushed and pulled into different directions. I could walk over to any of the strangers walking past and have a lasting impact on their life. Something as small as a smile may make their day and lead them to make a certain decision or something as big as offering them a job (not that I have any jobs to be offering, but it’s just a thought). Is that a good thing? To me it is, the thought of how much others can influence my life, or vice versa, that fills me with great hope and comfort. For some though I know it’s a scary thought, that at any point anyone at any time could do anything that changes your life forever.

I really do ramble on sometimes.

I’m dreading this meeting. My publishers always seem to find more things that need to be done and I always leave feeling worse than when I entered. Well, at least I have an overpriced coffee by my side. I shouldn’t complain.

Right, I need to remember to pick up a birthday card for my brother’s birthday dinner this evening.

REMINDER, DON’T FORGET BIRTHDAY CARD!!!!!

Wednesday 15/3/19

To do

• Go to the hairdressers
• Interview with magazine
• ACTUALLY clean the flat

11:00 pm. Today was a good day.

Only 4 DAYS LEFT!

Thursday 16/3/19

8:00 pm. I am starting to get a bit nervous, or excited, I can’t tell. They always say the first time is the scariest. I hope that’s true. I should focus on the positives, I had my last meeting before the release today - so that’s good!

Years of writing my thoughts down every day in this little black notebook, and now I am finally sharing them. I wonder what Ms J would have said, all these years later and I am releasing my very own book.

Friday 17/3/19

REMEMBER TO RETURN THOSE SHOES FOR A BIGGER SIZE!

9.30 pm. I went for a dress fitting today. I was clueless, I mean the shop was amazing but I was SO out of my depth. Every single colour you could ever imagine, in materials that feel so expensive they just melt away when you touch them. You’d think that it would be the big milestones that make you think back and reflect: getting into university, graduating from university, releasing your first book and so on. It’s always the small things for me, like feeling the endless rolls of silk or getting a taxi when I used to always get the bus. Today was one of those days, where the small things seemed to pop up everywhere. I have always dreamt of being a writer, but in the same way that you may dream of being able to fly, almost tangible but still impossible. My English teacher at school, Ms J, would always tell me it was possible, but I just thought that’s what all English teachers have to say. No one I knew had ever been to university, let alone become a writer, and here I am.

Saturday 18/3/19

To do

• Write speech for launch event

11:45pm. I had one task to do today, write my speech. It’s just a short speech, so I do not know why I HAVEN’T WRITTEN IT. What have I been doing all day? Nothing is the answer, but nothing always becomes something, especially on a Saturday. Well, now it’s too late and I’m tired. I NEED to do it tomorrow.

Sunday 19/3/19

MY BOOK IS RELEASED TOMORROW!!

1:00pm. I’ve been sat at my computer all morning trying to write this speech and I can’t seem to get anything down. My little black notebook has gotten me this far, so I am going to try and write it here first. Maybe this is procrastination, but it’s never failed me before.

I’d like to thank

Thank you all for coming this evening

I never thought this day would come

WHY DOES IT ALL SOUND SO CLICHÉ, ok start again.

There are so many people I want to thank when I think about all the effort that has gone into this book and helping me. I was sitting outside at a coffee shop the other day and as I was watching everyone rush by, I was thinking about how hard, or even impossible, it is to pinpoint what led us to where we are today. This, however, is not a dilemma I have. In fact, this book is dedicated to the very person who made it possible, Ms J. 10 years ago, I received an offer letter to study English at University, with the opening of one envelope so many opportunities opened up for me. I soon realised it was too good to be true. I didn’t have enough money to go to university and that was that. All those dreams of becoming an author were, it seemed, meant to remain as dreams. Ms J was my one constant throughout it all. From my first essay to my university application, to opening my offer letter, Ms J was always encouraging me to dream bigger. A couple of weeks after leaving school, I was meant to be meeting Ms J because she was going to help me draft an email to the university explaining I wouldn’t be able to attend. Things couldn’t have gone more differently. Seeing something in me and my writing, that even I couldn’t see, Ms J gave me £20,000 so that I could go to university. Even before this unexpected gift, Ms J had changed my life for the better, and, with this, there is no doubt in my mind that everything that has led me to where I am today stems from when I first stepped into Ms J’s classroom. I know she would have been sitting right next to me today and she would already know the book back to back having gone over every single sentence with me. I cannot express how grateful I am for everything that Ms J did for me, so I’d like to raise a toast to Ms J.