Emerald Oasis 18/18

I've only stayed at Emerald Oasis for three weeks. Now I'm getting ready to leave again. I've seen many things in my time. I know I'll be coming back in six months, but it feels like I'll be leaving for an eternity.

I'm sure when I come back, the home will be different with what has been going around the home. I'm not even sure if my home will exist by the time I return. The authorities might decide to close it down and consider it a failure within the staff.

I feel bad for the staff who got disciplined and sacked because of the fiasco. A fiasco I helped cause. I can blame Empress Fee for lying to me, but in the end, I've got nobody to blame but myself. I should not have encouraged Rodger. Who knows, maybe Rodger might have tried to kill us that night.

Despite everything that's been going on, I'm not worried. I've got a lovely family who will look after me. I was silly for not always believing in them, but we've got there in the end. And I have the fairies to thank for that, and the rabbits. If it wasn't for them, I think my stay in the home would be a lot more boring.

I love my life, I could be lying, I could be telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I've spent all my life in the comfort of my family. I hope I've made them all proud. To the ones that aren't here anymore, I hope they're not disappointed.

Mr Teacake alwaya used to knock on my door on Saturday afternoons. With a little black book in his hand, he smiles at me and hopes that he will see me Sunday morning. If he didn’t see you Sunday morning, he’ll be coming round your door to find out why. He means well, but he did get on my nerves sometimes with the way he bangs the door.

Perhaps I should have gone there more. I do believe in the afterlife and believe in my faith and in miracles. I also believe in karma. If we show kindness to everyone, then we should be be guaranteed a peaceful life. I don't see the point of shaming others when are taught how to love.

Friends from the village comforted me when I lost Oscar, but I think I should have been more protective. Maxine was never the same after losing her dad, I should have been more kind to her. I favoured Cleo more, but he reminded me of Oscar. That wasn't fair on him, and it wasn't fair on her.

But enough of should haves, could haves and would haves, they serve no hope for the future.

This is the present. I'm going on a cruise. I've been on holiday many times over the years. I've travelled further than most people my age and even people half my age who constantly travel. But this was a special holiday. I know very well that this could be my last.

I don't know where my life will take me, but I can't let my deterioration stop me. I have children to advice and grandchildren to spoil. If I linger on long enough, I might be able to see some great-grandchildren. I want to enjoy every moment of it.

I know I may be sounding like a child, but I can't let dementia sue me, leaving only the shadow of my former self. What I may end up as haunts me at night still. If I ever get to the state where I'm hitting out at everyone, I want to be shot. I would never be able to forgive myself if I laid a finger on my family. It's a fear I've been sweeping under the carpet for decades.

I feel betrayed by Rodger, but Victoria and Dorothy are more of victims then I am. And poor Suzy Mill, and Mr Mill. I hope that he's finally at peace. Emily said on the day that Rodger was due to appear in court, he had a heart attack and died in the hospital. The news claim that he escaped justice, but I think it was simply karma catching up with him.

I used to think that Rodger and Victoria were the perfect couple, but now I'm glad things didn't work out for them. Victoria could have been the next victim.

We should all just forget about him. Let him rest or rot in peace. Despite everything he's done, it's still painful to hate him. He was our friend. He abused and betrayed us. The fact that it came from a friend hurts more than anything in the world.

Rodger is history: we can all move on. Cleo drives Janine and I to Southampton where we embark on our cruise. I can't stop thinking to myself: I need to get some more tablets.

I might be losing my eyesight, but I'm sure Janine has got less make up on than usual. She's nodded off besides me in the back of the car. Her phone flew across my lap. I fiddle about with it on the screen. It's on some thing called Facebook. I've heard people in the village go on about it, but never actually used it myself.

I found a picture of Maxine and Cleo together. It was apparently taken last night. I smile and slip the phone back in her pocket. I've seen plenty of magic in my time, but the most magical are the precious moments with my family.

With that in mind, I'm sure there's still life in me. I'm old, but I can still grow and learn new things.