DREAMS

I keep having dreams about her. Every night I see the same girl, the one I fell in love with in a time that feels far away now. We met in a pure place in which both of us expected to absolutely resent. A summer camp, during the summer before seventh grade. We fell in love with the chaos of each other and created a bond that was unlike anything we had ever experienced in our short lives. We lived three states away from each other but somehow the universe brought us both to the same summer camp during the same summer that we both needed someone. It felt like fate. But it did not last long.

Years later, after we had both grown up, we still talked everyday. Life was more complicated now but the distance never broke us. But life, in the hard and ugly way it goes about things, came up with something that could. That is when I started to have the dreams.

Each night is a different dream, the only constant being this girl. These dreams are often sweet, a gentle reminder of all of the good things that we could have had if life turned out differently. In my dreams, the ugly face of reality is far away from my eternal, angelic girl. My dreams of her are nowhere near the truth but my heart deeply wishes that they were reality. In my dreams, she is untouched and she is safe. I can hold her and kiss her forehead and for once not feel scared. I often picture us sitting in the sun on a beach we both enjoy. The strong rays are warming us both yet bouncing softly off her auburn hair. I can hear her laugh, full and comforting. I can laugh too, without the burden of the world weighing upon my shoulders. Her smile, so immaculate with her straight teeth and full lips, brings me back into the moment every time. I can feel the warmth between us as I hold her in my arms and sip the coffee she made for me that morning. I can feel her soft skin as I stroke her small hand. I can feel the gentle breeze as it blows the frayed edges of her shirt. As it whips the baby hairs in front of her eyes just so I can push them back again. I can nuzzle my head in the crook of her shoulder and feel like we were children playing hide and seek again. We can stretch out on a tapestry that we bought together from a small store downtown. Feed her strawberries from a cute picnic basket we found online and chuckle when she accidentally spills our drinks. I can hear the seagulls squawking in the distance and there is not a single problem to worry about.

Time goes so slow in my dreams with her. I can savor every second of her solace. I can enjoy every second in our make believe home, petting our cats and hearing our children play in another room. I can have so many lives with this girl whom I so deeply love. In my dreams I can give this girl everything that I have ever wanted to. I can kiss her the way I have always wanted to. I can talk to her and tell her everything I have ever felt and she will always kiss me after. She will always wipe my tears. She will always sit beautifully in the sun and be unbothered by the unkind hand of fate. She will always be the girl in my dreams.