Don’t Be the Friend Who Is Always Late

We all have that one friend. The one who makes you wait alone at the restaurant. The one who is late for the movie. The one who says she’ll be ready at 7:00, you go to pick her up, only to wait for her another 40 minutes. You know, the one you love dearly, yet, she has no consideration for your time or anyone else’s.

Don’t be that friend.

You say nicely, as I have to my particular always-late-friend, “please don’t be late, my time is valuable too.”

But she can’t help it; she is perpetually late.

You try telling her a “pretend” time. A time that is 30 minutes before you actually want to meet her. But that just ends up making you feel bad because you don’t like being dishonest or having to “trick” an adult into being on time. It is too much work, and going out with a friend shouldn’t be work. She eventually catches on anyway and continues showing up late.

You try being late on purpose once, but that’s not you.

It’s passive-aggressive, and you aren’t passive-aggressive, also, you don’t like to be late for people, especially your friends. You value your friends, even the perpetually late one, so you don’t want to keep them waiting.

On a long car ride with my perpetually late friend, she brought up how she is always late. She’s aware it bothers her friends; she recognizes they are starting to get annoyed.

I agreed and said gently, “yeah, as your friend, it is annoying to wait for you most of the time, I have things to do too.”

Like a confessional, she offered up that knowing it upsets people somehow makes her want to be later. This surprised me. Again, gently I responded, “whoa, that’s passive-aggressive behavior; you need to look at that.”

She quickly made an excuse to detract from her last statement and said that she likes to get as much done before leaving the house.

I explained that her ‘getting as much done before leaving the house’ is on her friends’ time, and her friends don’t appreciate it.

She ponders.

And yet, she is still late.

She doesn’t change her late showing up ways.

You start thinking, maybe this friend is in the “toxic” friend category.

You start caring less. You begin trusting her less. You start saying no more often when she asks to do something with you. When she asks you to drive in the same car to go to the beach, you know she will be well over an hour of when you planned on leaving, you say to her, “what is your real eta?” When she answers, you know the time is way off. You tell her, “let’s drive separately, get there when you get there.”

You continue to make fewer plans with this friend because that feels better to you. You’ve already been honest with this friend, and she doesn’t seem to get it.

You don’t want to lose this person, but you’ve tried.

Why do people get annoyed when friends are perpetually late?

We aren’t talking about a few minutes late; my friend is late anywhere from 30 to 60 minutes.

She’s late for family members, acquaintances, her children, her employer, and friends. Everybody.

She makes jokes about it, she is aware.

We are annoyed because…

It shows a lack of respect and consideration for the person who is always left waiting.

According to psychologytoday.com being late sends the message, “My time is more valuable than yours,” that is, “I am more important than you,” and perhaps even, “I am doing you a favor by turning up at all.”

I’ve noticed I trust my friend less because of her tardiness. I question her in other areas because she can’t show up on time.

PsychologyToday.com validates this point.

“Being late insults others, but it also undermines the person who is late, because it may betray a lack of intelligence, self-knowledge, will power, or empathy.”

Which is why I’ve been questioning her judgment in other areas. If she can’t show up on time, what else can’t I trust her with.

It makes me doubt her.

Those who are late may not just be late because they don’t organize their time well, have a lack willpower or time management skills. There could be a more deceitful reason for being late, like aggression.

Being late can be a sign of passive-aggressive behavior, as with my friend when she admitted she knows she is late and often will be later as a conscious decision. Her many friends expressing disappointment at her tardiness makes her double-down instead of correcting the offending behavior. It shows a lack of empathy for her friends.

Behind passive-aggressive behavior is anger — conscious or not.

My friend is one of the most chill people I know; she eats life, and rarely do I see anything bother her. It is one of the reasons I love her so. I can be a bit rigid and planned. We are like Felix and Oscar of The Odd Couple— we balance each other out and laugh a lot.

My ex-husband was the same way. I can’t remember one major blowout or fight we had after ten years of marriage (I realize now, this is not healthy and requires a lot of suppressing). He was late often too, or didn’t show up when he said he would with acquaintances and friends — it was the number one complaint I heard from mutual friends after he and I divorced.

Hearing friends’ pent up frustrations with my ex felt good because it made me feel not crazy about having the same experience. I often questioned whether I was being unreasonable, getting annoyed with his unreliability.

Basically, he was totally untrustworthy. He would chalk it up to “flighty.”

PsychologyToday.com,

“Angry people who behave with almost exaggerated calm and courtesy might nevertheless express their anger through passive means, that is, through (conscious or unconscious) resistance to meeting the reasonable expectation of others.”

And why friends of those who exhibit passive-aggressive behavior often leave confused as to why they’re feeling anger toward their passive-aggressive friend, who seem so laid back and calm. But often, there is seething anger underneath the surface we just don’t recognize, and it expresses itself in passive-aggressive ways.

This friend is so calm, it doesn’t seem like they’re doing anything that would warrant you being this upset, and yet, you are. Leaving you more confused.

Passive-aggressive behavior is…

“is a means of expressing aggression covertly, and so without incurring the full emotional and social costs of more overt aggression… and can lead to a great deal of upset and resentment in the person or people on its receiving end.”

Examples of passive-aggressive behavior:

-Creating doubt and confusion

-Forgetting

-Omitting significant facts

-Withdrawing usual behavior

-Shifting blame

-Being late — on a frequent and unpredictable basis

Creative ways to stop that one friend from being late gleaned from examples on Reddit.

These suggestions are unconventional and best implemented only after having a direct and honest conversation with your chronically late friend.

First, have a heart to heart. Tell them how much it bothers you when they are continually late for everything.

Convey to them that it makes you feel like they don’t value you or your time.

If they are still late to meet you, try the following.

Start without them. At a restaurant, start eating without them. A dinner party, start dinner on time, don’t punish your punctual friends by making them wait to eat. Even a holiday meal like Thanksgiving — start without them.

Make the meeting time a more unusual time. Instead of 6:45, tell them you want to meet at 6:43. Chose a specific time like 6:10 instead of 6:00. Often when we say 6:00, a person who has time management challenges will hear and think 6 ish. 6 ish is way broader than 6:10. 6 ish can be anywhere from 5:45 to 6:20. Not that you even said “ish,” but your late friend might hear something you never said to begin with because they know they’re always late. If you say let’s meet at 6:10, it is harder to add the ish to an uncommon minute value.

Negative reinforcement. Tell them if they are even one minute late, they have to pay for the night, the movie ticket, the meal, the drinks, and whatever you plan to do that night. I bet they won’t be late.

Leave. Waiting at a bar or restaurant for a friend? Leave when they are more than 15 minutes late, and you’ve received no text or phone call.Just leave. This is the tardy professor’s college rule, class is canceled if you are more than 15 minutes late. I bet they won’t be late again.

If your friend continues to be late, and it really upsets you and they can’t or won’t change, you may have to reevaluate the friendship and put them into a category other than “the good friend category.” Continued lateness may lead to the demise of the friendship.

They are your boundaries; you get to set them.

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Jessica is a writer, an online entrepreneur, and a recovering Type A personality. She lives in Los Angeles with her extrovert daughter, two dogs, and two cats.