I Keep Falling in Love with My Partner

“To sustain an élan toward the other, there must be a synapse to cross. Eroticism requires separateness. In other words, eroticism thrives in the space between the self and the other.” — Esther Perel

Rarely after spending any amount of time in the company of married couples do I say to myself, “Wow, I can’t wait to get married again.”

Have you ever been around a couple’s interaction with each other that makes you extremely tense due to how they treat each other? All you want to do it leave. It’s uncomfortable.

Can you imagine then how they treat each other in the privacy of their own home.

The one, or possibly two, couples I do look to for wisdom and say, “Wow, I want that,” are simply kind to each other. They don’t mollycoddle, manipulate, subjugate, seek revenge, play games, co-depend, or criticize each other.

After surviving a codependent marriage in which I was 100% responsible for participating in, and subsequent even worse divorce, I feel grateful to have met my current partner.

Every time he walks through the door I get goosebumps, I’m rarely annoyed by his presence, and I still crave him physically. I know I’m lucky to have met him in particular, and had I not, I probably would be single right now.

We treat each other like strangers (or close friends).

Strangers who say please and thank you. We are kind to each other. We look up at each other when one walks into the room or gets home from work. We get up from the computer, or put down the iPhone, and make eye contact. We make a lot of eye contact.

When one talks, the other listens. We take turns listening. We hold the door for each other. We help and support the other.

You wouldn’t yell, scream, emotionally dump on your best friend, or your business partner, why treat your partner with less kindness than you would a good friend or a co-worker.

We communicate but don’t unload.

Healthy communication is the number one tool in maximizing the chances of a successful long-term relationship. When I say communication, I do not mean the emotional dumping of your feelings onto your partner.

You don’t need to say everything.

Oversharing is not necessary for intimacy; it hampers eroticism. Your partner does not need to know every single thought that crosses your mind.Be conscious about your tone and what you say as you seek understanding.

Far too many people enter into relationships with kindergarten level tools for communication.

Effective communication is listening with empathy. I live with an exceptionally verbal daughter who loves to talk more than Oprah; I get many opportunities to practice active listening. Is it tedious to listen? Sometimes, yes! Is it an art? Absolutely.

Empathy requires both of you to understand and appreciate each other’s point of view. Practice the ability to step into your partner’s shoes, and listen with compassion and miracles will happen. Understanding will increase in all of your intimate relationships if you listen and answer with empathic murmurings:

“Oh really.”

“Tell me more.”

“How did that feel.”

“Oh dear.”

Have you ever noticed when you feel your partner isn’t listening to you, you go on talking and talking and venting and venting for a while? But when he hears you, you talk less. Take this approach with your lover and amazing things will happen.

Don’t criticize.

On Facebook, I have seen one woman criticize her husband in writing in a desperate attempt to come off as funny, smart, or ironic — to seek attention.She posts something cynical or snarky in her husband’s comments section — disparaging him in the process — when he’s posted something about his job (he has a career in the entertainment business dealing with big wigs and the occasional celebrity) her not very friendly or clever jabs come off as petty and filled with jealously of her husband. It is hard to read.

You can imagine how much criticism he gets at home.

Marriage isn’t about competition, or one-upping your partner, or getting your digs in. If it is, you are in the wrong marriage.

Don’t complain, ask.

Behind every criticism is often a wish for something to happen.

When your partner forgets to haul out the trashcans to the curb every Wednesday night there is a difference in these two forms of communication:

“Would it kill you to be responsible for once. You’re doing this on purpose to piss me off.”

Or, “Love, do you think that next time you could set a weekly alert, so you don’t forget?”

There is no contempt in the latter sentence. Contempt in marriage is almost always impossible to come back from.

We have separate lives together.

My partner and I have independent lives. We have different jobs, distinct interests, and friends. Some of our interests and friends are the same. Some years this togetherness overlaps more frequently than other years. We are fluid in how this works. Some years we are more separate in our activities and interests, and some years there is more togetherness in our activities and interests.

The point is, how we structure our relationship changes because we built it on solid ground.

When we do different things, have different experiences, we then come back together to share with the other the passion we accrued while we were apart. Our reconnection is filled with desire and love because we each found rejuvenation from the things we accomplished separately.

We have a similar sense of play.

We have a sense of play with each other. On a recent walk through LA, (people do walk in LA) coming home from a restaurant, my partner took me by the shoulders and tried to teach me the art of raising my left eyebrow. It was a funny five-minute interlude in the middle of our two-mile walk home.

We laughed a lot that night just on our walk back, about nothing.

We didn’t talk about anything serious, my writing, his business, mortgages, bills, what we will do for Christmas, only the art of raising one eyebrow.

Without a sense of joy, what is the point? If you’re with someone you don’t have a good time with — a sense of play — some similar interests, and an easy friendship, you don’t belong there.

We have a lot of sex.

We have a lot of sex. Technically, he’s fabulous in bed. Like, unbelievable. Mind-blowing.

He knows my body, and the hints it gives with each micro-movement. He anticipates my erotic desires. He is way ahead of me, reading my cues like an expert. He pays attention to the details of me — my body and mind — with precision.

He enjoys having sex for a long time, as do I. I didn’t know men like him existed, I feel fortunate in this regard. I know how lucky I am. We still crave each other after many years together.

He enjoys that I want him. I’m average in bed. But I’m 98% of the time up for it, ready and willing to do anything. What I lack in experience, I more than makeup for in eagerness. I’m eager to have fun. I love taking his direction; he loves giving it. I want him most days because I know I’ll leave our sexual encounters completely satisfied.

Because of this, I work harder to protect our relationship in other areas.

Sometimes, I don’t want to listen, it can be tedious, but once you practice active listening with empathy, you eventually get good at it. I shut down a lot and need large amounts of alone time, which in other relationships has come off as selfish, but since my partner is giving in bed and other areas of our lives together and I don’t want to lose that, I work on being more available emotionally and treating him with the same kindness I give to strangers and good friends and get the same in return.

Because what you give attention to expands.

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Jessica is a writer, an online entrepreneur, and a recovering perfectionist. She lives in Los Angeles with her extrovert daughter, two dogs, and two cats.