3 Things You Need to Make Love Last

Far too often, people don’t understand what true communication and connection look like in a healthy, grounded relationship. Most people enter into romantic coupling equipped with only slightly better than kindergarten-level tools for communication.

They place too high a value on “being honest” and having “great sex.” While there’s nothing wrong with honesty and great sex, and these are important for a long-term relationship to succeed, “being honest” doesn’t equate to healthy communication, and “sex,” doesn’t always equal real connection.

In a long-term relationship, regular sex with your partner is a vital ingredient, but only adds lasting value to a relationship grounded in healthy communication.

Communication is undervalued and misunderstood these days — it is a buzzword misinterpreted as “being honest,” but real communication requires patience and listening with compassion and empathy to seek a connection between partners — you cannot have one without the other.

When your partner is seen, heard, and valued, this is how we practice communication with compassion.

Connection and communication go hand in hand, and without both, the chances of long-lasting commitment are slim. Love won’t last if you don’t have all three.

Three things you need to make love last

1) Connection

Truth:

We are all biologically hardwired for connection; it’s in our DNA.

Do I matter? Does what I say mean anything to you?

Genuine connection is the energy created between two people when they feel seen, heard, and valued. A grounded relationship allows room for giving and receiving without judgment.

Even if you are not aware of it, what we crave from love is connection. Thus, real connection requires empathy and compassion. And although I have fought this notion for decades, I now acquiesce to this universal truth: if you do not have empathy and forgiveness for yourself, you will not be able to love another fully.

Self-love is a requirement for a healthy, committed relationship. The more connected experiences I‘ve had — as a mother, sister, daughter, partner, wife, friend — the more this concept turns out to be true.

Lack of self-love in one or both partners is the root cause of most breakups and divorces.

2) Communication

Truth:

Too often people misinterpret good communication as “brutal honesty,” or attacking your partner with a “zinger” hours after an argument in a passive-aggressive attempt at being “honest” with your feelings.

But what you are really doing is seeking revenge, often out of nowhere. This is not true or mature communication. Communication that connects is not venting your anger and frustration onto your partner when they’ve made a mistake or disappoint you in some way.

“It’s your fault.”

“I hate you sometimes.”

“I wish I had never met you.”

“Sometimes, I want to leave you.”

These statements only serve to disconnect from our partners and cause harm. They do not qualify as relating to another person in a meaningful way, instead they serve to separate and minimize connection.

Healthy Communication:

Real communication goes something like this: “Hey, this is what my world looks like for me right now? What can I understand better about you? I want to know what your life was like you today.”

Your wife wants to quit her job and go back to school for two years. Communication: “That is exciting. Tell me more about that. Let’s make a plan. What agreement can we come up with that works for both of us.”

Your husband loses a parent or a job. Communication: “I can’t fix this for you, but I’m here for you. I am here to walk through this pain with you.”

Your wife suffers a miscarriage. Communication: “I can’t fix this, but I’m here for you. What do you need?” And then hold her for as long as she needs – this is an act of compassionate communication.

Your husband tells you he is sexually attracted to a woman at work. Communication: “OK. How can we fix this together in a way that promotes connection and honesty? Where did we get disconnected? I want to hear what we need to do that will reconnect us.

If you speak with your partner and listen — without attacking or defending your position — there is a chance of creating real connection, and therefore, effecting real change. Couples who communicate well make these bids for understanding their partner in times of stress and turmoil that will inevitably show up in a long-term relationship with those you love.

Can you still love the parts of your partner that are not his best parts, those parts you don’t agree with? If you have love and empathy - which starts with you - then yes you can. Acceptance does not mean condoning actions.

When a disagreement arises, successful couples pursue a connection instead of “winning” or being “right.” Trying to be right in a relationship will cause disconnection in the relationship.

The person not in fear of losing something, who doesn’t “cling” will be able to give their partner space where their healing and growth has potential to be explored within the safe context of a mutually caring relationship. Real and lasting love doesn’t involve the fear of losing your partner: that’s attachment.

The best communicators are those who listen and seek to understand; they do not react. Your goal is a connection with this person you are claiming to love. Real, lasting love means you practice active listening with non-judgment.

Empathy creates connection; judgment creates distance. Choose connection.

When connection and communication are firmly in place, the third essential, commitment, is easier to practice.

Caveat: both partners are required to commit to communicating and connecting with empathy and nonjudgment, or your relationship will fail; it may go on, but it won’t be a success.

3) Commitment

Truth:

After you put in the hard work of real connection and communication, commitment is like the icing on the cake, when you’ve conquered the first two.

Make a choice — every day. Commitment to this person with whom you have poured so much love and compassion into understanding, will come more readily because you both put in the initial investment.

Empathy promotes growth.

Through work and conscious effort allyship forms and grows between the two of you; a bond that is hard to break because it is now anchored in something real — mutual caring and understanding.

This is true of any intimate relationship you want to strengthen — be it a friend, your child, your business partner, a sibling, a parent — practice communication rooted in compassion, and real connection with a deeper commitment to the relationship emerges.

If you want to build a relationship based on a mature sense of being in the world, that nurtures your true self and opens up the space for your growth — and for your partner’s growth — you want a relationship that anchors itself in friendship.

Love is taking care of your partner and being taken care of.

Love is celebrating with them when they are at their best, and still loving them when they are at their worse. A solid foundation of understanding one another through the act of communicating and connection breeds love — a love you have no problem committing to.

Have these three things in place, and not only will love last, but it will grow.

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Jessica is a writer, an online entrepreneur, and a recovering perfectionist. She lives in Los Angeles with her extrovert daughter, two dogs, and two cats.