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Do I Really Want to Find Love, Now?

by Alecia Rhoe 4 years ago in love / single

What do you do when you're afraid to love?

Broken hearts need to heal.

Love is a phenomenal feeling. It matters not if it comes from your closest friends or your family. Knowing that someone will go to the ends of the earth for you is amazing; it's downright inexplicable.

When you have someone in your life who shows that they care for and about you, our innate reaction is to reciprocate the same things. We want those people to feel how wonderful they make us feel. It is a great exchange of affection, but what happens when you seem to give so much of yourself to someone but are constantly getting the short end of the stick? What do you do when you constantly find yourself in relationships that leave you drained and heartbroken? What happens when you want to give up on the fight to love?

As I get older, I become more protective over myself. I watch my inner circle. I am mindful of what I listen to and what I watch, as well as who I follow. I realized over time that I allowed my oblivious nature to lead me down a path of constant disappointments.

Those disappointments were often rooted in the relationships (or more often, situation-ships) that I was a part of. I love to love. I love to see people happy, and I love to feel loved...and happy. I will sacrifice for those I care most for because I want them to know I will always be in their corner. Unfortunately for me, the guys I dated, talked to, and was engaged to (yes, that's right! I was engaged!) did not value me nor what I brought to the table like I did them.

This repetitive cycle of being put last, being used for my finances, my body, and my material possessions, and being taken advantage of will take a toll on anyone. So much so that one can become burned, distrusting, and fearful of allowing anyone into the intimate space of the heart.

If you've ever stepped away from relationships and dating to focus on yourself in any facet, you hopefully discover a piece of yourself, your value that you probably would have never seen if it was constantly going to be overshadowed by mediocre relationships. And if you have ever experienced that, you want to hold on to that.

You don't want to give that away again; you don't want it hidden again. You want to embrace your worth no matter who you are. Opening up yourself to the possibility of finding love is scary. It can't be said more simply. It involves you becoming vulnerable, and vulnerability is not a light thing. Is finding love worth facing your fears? Is it worth taking a chance after you have been hurt over and over again?

I ask myself this question. I ask myself, "What do you really want?"

I have been hurt in more ways than one and by every guy I have ever associated myself with. The scars are still there, although the wounds have healed. I find that my heart and mind are in a constant battle with one another. On one hand, I want marriage and family, but on the other hand, I have no desire to use my energy to get to know someone, date them, and find out that he is like every other many I have dealt with.

Being that I am happy with myself and that I feel valuable, I see myself as precious: my heart, my mind, my body-they are precious. I don't want to give that away, again. I want to hold on to that. Many of us do, no matter our cultural or ethnic background, social class, or gender.

We want to, and deserve to, feel that we are valuable, but do we do that at the hand of remaining in a safe space? Is there a balance? Do you believe that love exists for us? If so, do we feel like we are willing to open up ourselves, break down walls, and give love another try? I ask you, as I ask myself, do we take another chance on love?

Alecia Rhoe
Alecia Rhoe
Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'
Alecia Rhoe

I'm Alecia, spoken word artist from eastern North Carolina. I’m an heir to the Kingdom. Lover of freedom. Singer and writer. Lover and fighter. No damsel in distress. But fragile nonetheless. Lover of soul, with a story untold.

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