Ditching Toxic Friendships Isn't Self-care - It's Lazy

Toxic friendships; let them go, right? Exercise a little self-care and rid yourself of people who exhibit those toxic traits. When someone:

• Disrespects your boundaries
• Needs from you for what seems like all the time
• Doesn't take accountability
• They make their struggles a weapon
• They make you feel guilty for spreading the love around when they need it from you
• They don't seem to acknowledge all your hard work as a friend….

… Get rid of them

And because your friend is exhibiting all those toxic traits, you don't stick around. You let them go. 

You exercise the all-important, highly touted self-care and preservation and ditch the toxic friendship before you can't escape. You've read the horror stories; you know it's coming.

That's what smart people do, right? That's what smart people who exercise this much-needed self-care do.

Well, smart isn't the word I would always use in this scenario. It's too easy to blanketly accept this practice as wise. Or as self-care. In many situations, it's not looking after yourself at all.

It's lazy and hypocritical.

Let's talk about the hypocritical part first.

I don't believe there are as many toxic friendships in the world as people promoting self-care would have you believe. 

Sure, there are the extremes, the people who are truly toxic and embody every sense of the word. There are always people you should walk away from the moment you meet them.

The key here is the toxic part. 

Toxic people usually smack you in the face. Not literally, but there is a quality about them you can't ignore. 

It's like when you eat spice. There is mild, medium, and hot, and I can see through time hot. The same goes for this idea of toxicity.

Not all toxic is the same. And because of that, we get this definition very confused in times when we shouldn't.

Take the friendships where people are having a hard time and we quit on them because of it. It's those friends who are having health crises, financial hard times, emotional and relationship issues, or all those combined.

A person going through these things isn't actually toxic. Nor is your relationship with them a true, deeply rooted toxic relationship. It's just the normal everyday hardship and reactions people go through.

You know when we are going through it, we talk about ourselves. We don't take accountability like we probably should. We seem like we're taking more than we're giving, which is often true.

It doesn't mean we're toxic. It means we're being human. Everyone goes through rough patches. Everyone including you.

If you want to ditch someone for going through a hard time, you're being a hypocrite. You want them to stick around when life gets hard for you, but then you can't return the favour? 

Seems pretty one-sided, selfish, and hypocritical to me.

Understanding toxic relationships, and why you should leave them is key here. Knowing the difference between life and perpetual toxicity will help you build better relationships in the future. And it will prevent you ever being a hypocrite to the people in your life, too.

Now let's talk about the lazy part.

Here's what we can do now, more than ever. Thanks to the internet, thanks to the virality of the internet, we can justify any decision with internet-found "facts".

You can look up anything online and find pros and cons to back any decision. Google reviews are a classic example. You have every reason for and against that the business deserves your money.

In the case of ditching friends, we use self-care as a convenient con to ditch friendships we can't be bothered repairing. 

We use the word toxic to justify the intent, and the concept of self-care to back up the decision. This is when you probably know the definition of toxic relationships but laziness overtakes intellect. You take the easy option.

"Toxic" relationships, that aren't truly toxic as I mentioned earlier, are always repairable. Or, if it's not repairing, they will eventually return to the status quo once the "toxic" person returns to their true self.

Bad times don't last forever. 

Everyone goes through hard times and challenges. We know they don't last. And we know they get better with good friends to help.

But that requires effort. You have to put in more effort with people when they are going through those times. It's easier to ditch them rather than put the effort in.

And when you're being lazy, using the self-care excuse is even more lazy. It's not true. Honesty aside, it's using the first thing you could come up with to cover your laziness. Blaming other people is the oldest and laziest trick in the relationship playbook.

This laziness is also making a mockery of true self-care and ditching toxic friendships. This misuse of these concepts prevents people who need to do this from being taken seriously. 

It makes it impossible for them to get support. The more everyone lies about it, the more we assume others do too.

So how do you if you're exercising self-care or you're being lazy? Or hypocritical?

I get it. You won't always know you're being lazy. Or hypocritical. Sometimes you move on from friendships before you've worked that out. If this has happened to you, I want to help you avoid the same mistake.

It's the easiest thing you can do. Step into the shoes of the person you're about to say goodbye to. 

How does it feel? 

Do they deserve you walking away? Is what they're going through real or are they a bad person who isn't loveable?

And what would happen if it was you in those shoes? Would I hate that feeling? Would I hate someone walking out on me when my life became tough? I sure would. I would hate that person for giving up on me when I needed them the most.

Because that is life; shit times happen. If you ran away from every shit time, you wouldn't be living.

The next time you think about giving up a toxic relationship in the name of self-care, think a little harder first. 

Sure, you might feel better for exercising self-care. But you had to give up all sense of self to do it. 

Was it worth it? 

Really?!

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