Dear Once-Loved Explanation

My once-loved refers to two men in my life who I loved dearly. The first stanza is about Professor R, who I still love, but no longer as a boyfriend. The rest of the poem is about Mr J, he was very nice and understanding, but I don't know if he was always honest with me. But I do know he often gaslighted me and I often felt upset when I saw him.

Naturally, the poem is about a breakup, but also about how I feel the men in my life have torn me apart emotionally.

Screaming at a brick wall is showing that regardless of whether the person is listening, I'm still trying, but the fears surrounding me are the echoes of my screams and my realisation I'm not as good as I'd like to think. I screamed because I didn't want to lose him, and I couldn't seem to get through to him. Everything I said he seemed to throw back in my face in a bad light.

"The crushing nature of your feet as you walk by my finished chapter" My once-loved is walking away, so the chapter of their life with me is over. This knowledge is soul-destroying, it crushes me. "Trodding on my incomplete future". I had plans with you, but since you've walked away I'm unsure, my future is now incomplete. We were going to live together, and now I'm lost about where I stand, and how I'll live in the next year. You were my support and now you're gone.

"My life the insect crushed, your life the spider inflated". You broke up with me, so I must assume you feel your life is better now, you feel inflated with some relief from me. In a way I felt that way too, relief the arguing was over and I didn't have to be constantly worried about you.

""The insect is important" I shout" I feel like I am worth something, that people shouldn't just dismiss me so quickly. I go on to explain why they're good and that we should protect them. But due to my own insecurities because of the breakup, I don't understand my value anymore and I feel like the world is against me. I felt like everything came crashing down around me, and everyone was leaving my life. It felt like I was the problem, and that I didn't deserve love.

"The spider however worries not for the fragile mind, only the desire inside". The spider, Mr J, doesn't care about my mental health and cares only about their deepest desires. I couldn't fulfil them, so I was tossed aside. He gaslit me into thinking I was hiding things from him. Every time he made me open up I would think we were over the hump, but unfortunately, it never happened he just kept finding issues.

"As the beast spins its web" This refers to the lies he told me, to make me hate myself, "My mind is used to the lies you tell, it no longer lashes out, and I've started to embrace the things about myself that aren't perfect.

"I do not want to die in your deceit". If I didn't embrace myself, my anxiety and depression would surely emerge, and I think I would be overwhelmed.

"My life, insect or not, ... eensy weensy spider". I take back control of my insect life, and I show you I won't let someone else dictate it when they're probably lonely and sad too.

"I have broken... like you, alone". I have escaped your lies, but I am like you because we're both alone. I understand you more, once-loved, but I do not wish to be you.