Dear Gianna

Q: My best friend told me that I have communication issues. She thinks I don't express my needs and expect others to know what I want or how I feel. She says it is unfair that I get mad when people don't behave as I want them to as if they should know. Apparently, I do it, especially with the people I date. She said all that because yesterday I had a big argument with the guy I have been seeing for two months. We met on a dating app, and I think it's time to start exploring the relationship exclusively. Yesterday, I told him I had deleted the app a week before and asked if he had deleted it, too. He said he hadn't used it but still had it on his phone. I got furious, as it is so disrespectful to still have a dating app, and left. My friend says I should have talked about it. I think it's obvious that you should delete an app when you are dating someone; there's no need to talk, and he should have known.

A: I am sorry to hear that your expectations weren't met. Unfortunately, I have to say that I can see where your friend is coming from. Please note that I am saying this without any judgment because I think communication is challenging.

In one of my collaborations with another Relationships Coach, I discussed what we called "The Power of Mind Reading". By that, we mean the expectations that our partner (or others in general) know what we want, what we need, and what they should do to keep us permanently happy.

This mentality, however, will inevitably create conflict because our reality, the way we perceive it and how we feel about it, is not necessarily the same as how other people perceive it.

You have been dating this guy for two months, and you've both been on dating apps. Until a few days ago, you were completely fine with considering your relationships as the "getting to know each other" stage.

You used dating apps as much as he did. Even if you weren't actively using them, you still had them on your phone.

Then something changed for you. Maybe your feelings grew, and you wanted to get to the next level. And this is a valid and legitimate desire.

However, you didn't communicate that; you expected your boyfriend to start feeling like you at exactly the same time, magically.

Why did you fail to communicate your needs? In my opinion, fear of rejection keeps us from expressing how we feel and what we want. What if you asked him to delete the app and become exclusive, and he said "no"? Would you have felt disappointed? Would you have thought that he was rejecting you? Probably.

So, instead of thinking about what you wanted and how you could tell him, you reacted to your fear of disappointment and rejection. You got angry that he hadn't read your mind and done what you wished he would do.

There are more effective ways of achieving what you desire. By acting this way, all you will achieve is an argument. But don't be disheartened because you can improve your interactions with others if you pay a little attention to how you communicate.

Communication is defined as a "process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behaviour".

We don't think of communication as something we have to learn. We have been able to express ourselves by talking, writing, or other media for most of our lives, and we take it for granted. If anyone asked us if we can communicate, we'd all say that we can.

While it is true that we can express our thoughts, there are communication skills that can be learned to help us deliver our messages in a way that will benefit both ourselves and our interlocutor.

The most effective communication technique I have ever come across is non-violent communication, developed by Dr. Mashall B. Rosenberg.

The non-violent communication process has four components.

The first is observation: we express the situation we want to discuss. Not how we feel about the problem, not how we perceive it, but just how it is.

In your case, the observation could be, "We've been seeing each other for two months, and I have started to like you more".

The second component is identifying and expressing feelings: we must explain how we feel about a situation. Let's say, as an example, that you felt confident or excited about moving to the next stage.

The third component is identifying our needs. In your case, maybe your need is to explore where this relationship could go if you become exclusive and more committed.

The fourth component is making a clear request: once you have identified your need, you express it by stating clearly what you wish the other person did to meet it.

In your case, you could say, "Shall we both get off the apps and start getting to know each other exclusively?

We have transformed your statement from "It is so disrespectful to still be on dating apps" to "We have been seeing each other for two months, and I have started to like you more. I am excited about getting to the next level and would like to see where this relationship could go. Should we both get off the apps and start dating exclusively?".

I hope you try this approach, and he'll say yes. I can't get into how to handle a "no" this time, but I hope you succeed.

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