Dear Gianna

Q: I am 37 and want to settle down and have children. I am on dating websites and apps and also ask friends to introduce me to people they know. I have tons of first dates but never get to a second date. My biological clock is ticking, and I'm not getting any younger. I'm worried I'll never meet a man who has the same values as me and wants the same things.

A: I am sorry you're going through the hardships of the dating world at the moment. I get it; it's not easy to navigate. I've been there, and I have heard enough horror stories to know you're not necessarily having fun right now.

I'm concerned, though, that your approach might not be the most effective.

You started your letter by saying you want to settle down and have children. I understand that a family with a loving husband and children is a dream for many people. I think it's a lovely dream and I do wish you to fulfil it as soon as possible.

However, I fear that if you go into the dating world searching for a husband, you might be objectifying the person in front of you.

In his book "The Art of Loving, Eric Fromm explains that the first step we need to take to be able to love is to overcome narcissism (please note that we are NOT talking about Narcissistic Personality disorder). Fromm describes narcissism as the attitude to see people and things as being useful to ourselves, as if people didn't exist as separate entities but only to fulfil our needs. So, through narcissism, I will go on a date and look at the person in front of me as a prospective boyfriend or husband who can fulfil my needs for company, affection, building a family, whatever.

Through narcissism, we see reality painted through our fears and psychosis.

In your case, you fear being unable to start a family on time. If you look at all your interactions through the filter of this fear, will you be able to see the person in front of you for who they are? Would there be a risk that you start seeing them as a means to an end?

Having goals and being clear about what we want is very positive and makes achieving results easier.

However, the only goals we should set are those that depend only on ourselves.

Having a family and kids does not depend only on me, so I would not treat it as a goal, even though it is a completely legitimate desire.

Please don' get me wrong: I don't think you should start a relationship without understanding if you and your partner have the same values and goals. When you start making life with someone, it is essential that you know your idea of life and theirs align. I would encourage everyone to discuss their expectations to avoid disappointment and heartbreaks.

However, I think you should start changing your focus from trying to find the future father of your children to trying to find a human connection.

As humans, we all need connection, and I think love.

In the "Symposium" Plato describes a banquet during which the guests, among them Socrates, deliver in turn speeches to praise the god of Love.

The speech of Aristophanes is the famous myth of the Androgynous. He says that initially, humans were round and had four feet and two faces. There were three sexes: male, female and male-female, and they were extraordinarily strong and intelligent.

Unfortunately, they attacked the gods, who decided to kill them all, even if this would mean the end of the sacrifices and worship they received. In the end, Zeus found a solution; he cut them into two halves.

However, the two parts desired to reunite with their lost half so much that they were letting themselves die. Zeus, having pity, turned their genitals to the front so that they could breed or be satisfied.

Am I trying to say that without love, we aren't whole? No, I think that we should be complete in ourselves. I'm only trying to say that it is true that we need connection and love, and we usually try to find it in our "other half".

With “other half” I don’t mean someone who fixes our problems and provides what’s missing in our lives, as nobody can do that. I only mean someone who’s compatible in a way that makes being with them better than being without them.

Biologically, it is also true that we have an instinct to reproduce (and some will argue that romantic love is nothing but a romanticized/society-controlled reproduction impulse); however, as humans, we can truly connect only when met with empathy, compassion and genuine curiosity. We want to be seen, we want to be heard, and we want to be chosen for our unique personality.

Are you curious to get to know the person in front of you for who they truly are? What do they like, what scares them, what makes them sad, what makes them smile?

Unfortunately, to be able to find your "other half" you must first be whole in yourself, be content with how your life looks like on your own.

Make sure you are choosing the person you want to make life with, for how special they are to you, and not only because you're scared that life won't look exactly as you had thought it would, so anyone will do.

If you want to be loved, start loving.