Dear Family: Please Stop Asking Me When I'll Have Kids

If I had a dollar for every time my family members ask when I'm planning on having children, I just might be able to pay off my student loans. OK, that's a bit dramatic, but you get my point.

I'm 31 years old, have a great job in tech, a longtime partner, a roof over my head, and an adorable puppy named Phil. I'm perfectly content with this. Yet there's that small, nagging voice in the back of my head telling me I'm selfish for not wanting children. I think kids are a blessing and I see the joy they bring, however I don't want kids of my own. Honestly, when I think about it, am I really being selfish? Who knows if I'm even cut out to be a great mom, and truly give a child what they need to be successful? These are just some of the things I think about, and if you're reading this and you can relate in some way, I want to give you some encouragement because you're not alone.

Maybe your family asks you constantly when you'll have kids. Perhaps you've even been feeling the weight of the subtle messages in society telling you that if you want to have children, you better hurry up and have them now while you’re still a young adult.

There’s an incredible amount of pressure on women to “have it all” --career, family, home, body, etc. --and yet, if we subscribe to the idea of having babies at a young age, many of us would be having them straight out of college, just in time to settle in with a ton of student loan debt. At present, women have roughly about 12 years to go to college, graduate, and pay off those loans, then find a job, buy property, find Mr. or Mrs. Right, and have kids if they want to “achieve it all” before turning 30. It’s unrealistic, and an insane amount of pressure!

More than $900 billion of the nation’s $1.4 trillion in student loan debt belongs to women, who make up more of the nation’s university students and are more likely to take out loans, according to a study by the American Association of University Women.* ​(The Washington Post) Not to mention, the persistent gender wage gap--sorry to be the bearer of bad news here--women still make about 80 cents for every dollar a man makes in just as recently as 2019--those loans are harder to pay back. Maybe women just can’t afford to be mothers right now. (Some of my friends have managed to make it work, and I applaud them, as I know it has not been easy.)

Personally, having kids was something that was never really on my radar. There was and still are so many things I want to do. I’m seeing most of my friends have baby #2, and I’m happy for them. I love and respect the fact that they are making a little family of their own. They also respect that kids are the furthest thing from my mind, as they’re used to me giving more “awws” to pictures of their dogs than to their kids, and you know what? That’s perfectly OK.

This whole thing of course, is in no way, meant to disregard women who dream of starting a family and having children. Some women cannot have babies. Some women can, but choose not to. And some women can, and do, and want more babies. Whatever your situation, you are worthy of respect and love. I am not currently struggling with infertility and my heart goes out to all the women who are. The bottom line is that our families and society shouldn’t put pressure on women to have babies or shame them for not wanting babies. You never know what someone is going through so just being thoughtful and respectful is so important.

Ultimately, what works for one woman is not going to work for another. We simply can’t predict love or fertility or the most “ideal time” for everything, it doesn’t always work out that way.

In the end, it’s your body and your journey, so know this: do what feels right, ​when​ it feels right --no matter what anyone else tries to tell you. It might come across as selfish but sometimes, as in this case, I think it's OK to do what's best for you.