Dear 2023,

It has been the greatest thus far and one of the most challenging years I’ve lived so far. There were days that seemed to last forever while weeks flew by in the blink of an eye. In that, the lesson of nothing is forever had appeared once again. You truly never know when the last of something will be until it’s the last. So, truly go out and live your life to the fullest. Do the damn thing because why not? We’re all living life for the first and last time so; tell people you love them, say yes to things while remembering to say no as well, and be nice to people.

I came closer to some dreams, while others had to be left behind, a few had to be put on pause, and one of my biggest dreams had come true. I always dreamed of being a mom since I could remember. Maybe society having a part in training girls from an exceptionally young age to one day be a mother played a part, but it’s a title that I am proud to have and will do my best to be the best mama I can be. During the 9 months I was growing a human I heard many different things and got asked a variety of questions. One of those questions was if I was excited to meet someone entirely new which I think we can both say they were talking about the baby. However, I’ve learned that person was me. I will never be the same person in a bunch of ways. Physically, my body has changed. This vessel grew a human so, it’s understandable, but learning to love this body when I was struggling to love my old body is a challenge. Coming from someone who has had a broken relationship with food and the gym, there is part of me that’s scared of going back to that headspace because I have a little human I need to show up for and showing up for them like that is not what I want. Emotionally, it feels like a very large chunk of my heart is in this little human. So, when they’re crying I feel it. When they’re upset, I feel it. When they’re happy, I feel it. It’s hard to then sort what are your emotions, what are theirs, and most importantly to not have them pick up on mama’s emotions. Mentally, it’s a war I wasn’t expecting let along prepared for. Postpartum depression and anxiety is very much a real thing and I think the healthcare system needs to do a better job at making sure the mama’s are being taken care of. I’m very grateful that my primary doctor wanted to see me basically right after I gave birth because if not, there would’ve been probably many trips to the ER.

I found confidence in my natural hair color…woah never thought I’d say that. In 2021 I changed my hair color as a form of a little easter egg. I felt like a major part of my identity was my blonde hair. Which firstly, I didn’t want to ever feel like my physical appearance was tied to who I was as a person. But secondly, many chapters of my life were closing at that time so, I felt like my blonde hair chapter needed to end as well. We may revisit that chapter one day, but who knows.

I’ve been someone who has always been closed off, even just a tiny bit, because I know people leave whether it’s in their plan or not. So I let that hold me back from fully jumping in. However, I have realized that in order to love, you have to be okay with getting hurt. Grief is the price of love which although can be a struggle, grief will teach you things love never could. And although grief will hurt, let it. So, from here on out, I’m learning how to live heart first.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve been trying to learn is that as Hannah Montana would say “nobody’s perfect”. I blame the perfectionism on being a virgo and trauma, but I am putting a serious effort in letting things be imperfect and to not obsess over something not being what my definition of perfect looks like or sounds like. The biggest struggle I have is the desire to be perfect at everything the first go around. Which…isn’t possible. Some things are easier than others, but that doesn’t mean the hard things won’t become easy or become something that brings me joy. I’ve been forcing myself to live with the imperfections in my artwork because it’s human made. Let the imperfections and mistakes have their moment.

As I reflect on this past year it leaves me in tears. I was so nervous that being back in the place that caused so much pain would undo all the work that I put in to being the person writing this, but I’m happy to say that hasn’t happened. It has been hard in ways I wasn’t expecting nor prepared for, but I see things in a different view now. A view that understands the hurt, but doesn’t hold any hate.