Dear 2022,

dear 2022,

I went into this year with a lot of hurt that I honestly didn’t know what to do with so, I ran from it. I moved away from my hometown in a moments notice and dropped everything that involved the place where I was raised. I thought if I just left the wound alone it would heal on its own, but that wound was so big and deep that it needed some assistance. After months of avoidance, I learned that I needed to allow love and truth in for this wound to heal. It was hard learning to feel neutral towards something that holds a lot of pain and anger, but I wouldn’t be the person here today without any of it. It’s been a journey to start feeling neutral towards my hometown, but the wound is slowly starting to heal which is something I never thought would happen if I’m being completely transparent. This past year in jersey has allowed me to heal and grow so much as a person and honestly I’m tearing up thinking about it. I’ve recently been reflecting a lot about Bailey and every version she’s been up until age 24(so far); besides her not believing her life these days, she’d also be happy…which makes me cry because all I can think about is a 17 year old girl whose world got completely flipped and she never thought she’d be “happy” again. If you told January Bailey that she would be moving back to her hometown not even a year later, I think she’d be pissed and would probably ask a million questions. I feel for that girl and honestly moving back was never part of my plan however life has a magical way of throwing you curveballs.

I sound like a broken record talking about learning to love myself, but here I am again so if you wanna skip this part…go for it, I understand. I’ve felt like I’ve taken 4 steps forward and 5 steps back on this self love journey. It seems to be a lil tango that i’ve grown to become frustrated with. As I read previous letters to the years I feel like I’m at the same point I was at in 2019 when it comes to self love and self happiness, but the inner healing part of me says I may feel like that but the fact I’m having a second thought telling me I’m wrong is indicating some sort of growth. The self love journey is one just like any other; it’s a fucking roller coaster that will make you yell, smile, and feel nauseous…sometimes all at the same time. I feel like part of my self love journey is like most girls…it involves the gym. This specific part of my journey is one that I want more people, especially girls, to hear. I started going to the gym because I had nothing else to do, however that oh so innocent new “hobby” became an addiction. I don’t want anyone to take that lightly, it was just as of much of an addiction as nicotine is to a smoker. It wasn’t until this year that I took longer than a week off from the gym. Some might say I was making up for lost time, but through that time off I’ve learned the genuine reason for the gym. (rewrite that, its gross) The way your body looks without the gym and eating whatever food your body wants…that’s how your body is naturally supposed to look. You can go to the gym to get healthy, but it should never be for anyone else or because you feel like you need to look slimmer. Working out is to help make you healthier and it’s a lifestyle which means it will never be perfect.

Someone who entered my life this past year has taught me a lot about myself. This person says a lot of bullshit, but somewhere in between all the bullshit there’s some truth and hidden gems. Here are just a few:

For my ladies; you pick who you’re with. Men will think they own you because they own everything else, but they don’t own you. You chose them and don’t give that power away.

For my social anxiety pals; stop saying you’re just here or just “simply existing”. People’s faces light up when they see you and they choose to be in your presence. People want to hear from you and want to hear your knowledge and wisdom. Stop listening to the voice that tells you that you aren’t worthy of the place you’re at in life or that nobody wants to listen to what you have to say.

For Bailey aka myself; stop dating cops and go to therapy.

I’ve learned that two things can coexist. I can be sad about a chapter ending while being excited for the next. I can be a bad bitch who has boundaries while also being a good person. I’ve heard the word bittersweet tossed around my entire life and I’ve used that word occasionally, but it wasn’t until the past year or so that I genuinely understood the feeling of two things existing at once. It’s a complex feeling to navigate which makes it so easy to just run from it. The thing is life is complex and we’re all just trying to figure shit out.

As I sit here and reflect on this past year it leaves me feeling bittersweet. A word that brings on a new emotion for me. I entered this year moving to jersey and now I exit this year moving out of jersey. I’ve learned some valuable lessons, met some cool people, and have accomplished so much in my healing journey. Now it’s time to work on this healing journey in the same place that I ran from. In the words of my queen, “I’ll say farewell to the hard times and fuck you to the bad vibes”.

Til next year,

b. xo