"The only thing worse than hurting yourself is constantly being hurt by the person you love the most. I know it's been told so many times before, but I never thought it would happen to me. I used to be this overly happy person with such an optimistic mindset sometimes I even felt as my smile was contagious. I miss that girl, I miss the person I used to be. Now my thoughts are intruded with other girls, women, why they are better than me, if they are prettier than me, if they are skinnier than me.. I don't even feel pretty anymore, or like myself at all. Sometimes I wonder if I could make it on my own, or what would happen if I just ran away and stopped all contact for a while. I could never do that to my mother especially now that she too, feels so alone in this world. It must be a curse, woman with the biggest hearts endure the most pain, sometimes physically, sometimes mentally. It's easy to build a wall and pretend if everything is okay and act like nothing really bothers you anymore. I think I have become accustomed or maybe I am just becoming numb to it all. Oh what I would give to feel alive again to feel wanted, appreciated, just loved. Sometimes I find myself roaming off and just thinking about my happy place, being home with my family, hanging out with my siblings and pretending that I am not hurting deep down inside. I could never do that to them, I want them to be happy and I would never let them know that I am not okay and cause them any worry at all. My nephews bring a feeling of love, and peace to me I don't have kids of my own, but they pretty much are mine I love them like they are, and like any aunt should. I find myself constantly fighting, over thinking and just worrying about every single thing around me. It is as sometimes I find that courage that I so desperately need but somehow it always ends up being broken down into those little tiny pieces that could never be enough. Drinking is a coping method many turn to, including myself. Yes it's understood what is happening to my body with each consumption, but I don't care. It makes me feel good, and it helps forget those intrusive thoughts. Some nights I stare at the window with hope that prince charming will come on his white horse and save the day. Save me and take me somewhere I could be alone. A clean slate, a clean life, no one would know me or where I came from. I quickly come back to reality because all that is doing is making me feel worse about the life I have allowed myself to live, how did I get in this position, why me? I was the sweetest person before this relationship, now i'm unrecognizable to myself. The level of angry I could reach has been tested and I scared myself. It was like something came out of me that had been hiding under my skin the whole time. It was waiting to burst, and he brought it out of me. I will leave, I have too do this for the sake of my sanity. Maybe I'll call my mom tomorrow, but what will I say mom can you come get me a thousand miles away from home? I'm ashamed of the circumstances but that's it for now. I'll be back and let you know how things go."
About the Creator
Maria D
Just someone who enjoys to write, and explore her mind. I love to read, especially when they turn into movies in my head.
Red Shelves
Death is a black hole. Think about it. A black hole is the corpse of a star, something once warm and bright, now come to the end of its life cycle. But some will argue that the cycle of life does not end with death. That death is merely another path we must walk once our bodies expire and our souls ascend. In that moment, when the fuel in the star’s chemical tank hits empty and the shiny matte coat explodes into supernova, the mass left behind – the corpse – becomes a black hole. We understand that, around such a vast cadaver, dimensions work a little differently in death to the way we’re used to in life. For example, light cannot escape the pull of a black hole when it hits the point of no return. That’s where it gets its colour. Space itself is contorted by a black hole. That’s where it gets its funny shape. Even time. Time slows right down the closer you get to it. The closer you get to a black hole. The closer you get to death.
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