Dating Politics 2

The founder of Positively Positive Education Productions, LLC is from Seattle, Washington. Positively Positive is a black, queer, transgender, non-binary performance artist who is a spoken word poet and a hip-hop emcee and a person living with HIV at birth.

Dating is difficult with HIV even more of a challenge when you are an aromantic and an asexual person too. For starters, I am aromantic because I have never dated nor desired a romantic relationship nor had a romantic connection. My sexuality shifted at the age of 21 because I desired romance and experienced romantic connections but still I never had a romantic relationship and sometimes I still do not desire a romantic relationship even today at 34 sometimes I do because I am grey aromantic. I was asexual; I never wanted nor desired sex while growing up as a child, teen, and some parts of my adult life until the age of 21. Asexuals rarely and many do not experience sexual attraction nor sexual desire.

It is sad how society including my friendships, family members, and my community gaslighted my resilience as a survivor of violence and my accomplishments; such as graduating from school, traveling to a new city, state, or country, working or volunteering somewhere exciting. My accomplishments and my resilience as a survivor of violence are diminished when I disclose to people that I have never been in a romantic relationship nor did I have no interest or desire for sex.

Society must acknowledge the genuine friendships, family, community, academic, mentorship connections and the relationship people have with themselves, their community or with their art; while for me it is my spoken word poetry and my Hip-Hop music and community-centered events; such as attending workshops, open mics, volunteering with organizations, relationships with friends and family; they were my true and only relationships I have ever had in life and those relationships are just as important and vital as romantic coupled relationships.

My sexuality shifted at the age of 21 because I identified as ‘grey-asexual’ (grey-ace) and ‘grey-aromantic’ (grey-aro). Grey is a metaphor to describe a fluctuating sexuality within the asexual and the aromantic communities. Grey-ace acknowledges my asexuality as a sex-repulsed and adverse asexual while growing up as a child, teen, and certain phases of my adult life until the age of 21. Grey is a metaphor to describe my interest and desire for sex. My aromantic identity is important to me because I never dated nor desired a romantic relationship until the age of 21; however, I am grey-aro because of my interest and desire to build intimate, long-term, romantic partnerships with people. Again, I didn’t have the vocabulary to articulate my survival regarding my asexual, aromantic, and grey identities until the age of 24; I’ve self-identified with these sexuality labels: heterosexual, queer, bisexual, demiromantic, questioning at the time of my youth and early adult life until the age of 24.

I experienced gaslighting and erasure throughout my entire life because my friendships and my family members teased me for never being in a relationship and for not having any interest or any desire for sex; those same people treated me like a ‘freak,’ and derailed me incapable of providing relationship advice because of my asexual and my aromantic identities. I wished I knew the vocabulary terms of asexuality, aromantic, and grey to describe my sexual orientation especially during the time of my upbringing; I would have defended myself instead of internalizing the bullying from friends, family, from society; the isolation made me feel broken and alone and sometimes I still feel broken because I never dated nor desired sex and at the time of my youth and early adulthood I was a sex-repulse/adverse-asexual and I was a romantic repulse/adverse aromantic and I did not even know it at the time.

Celibacy and asexuality are two different things. Abstinence is choosing not to have sex, and it is delaying having sex until a specific moment in time while someone who is asexual does not experience sexual attraction nor sexual desire.

I had no desire for sex as a middle school student, teenager, and in early college until the age of 21. I had no desire for a romantic relationship until the age of 21. I learned about asexual and aromantic sexual orientations at 24. Since learning about those terms at 24, I discovered I was aromantic, asexual, and grey. I identified as grey ace and grey aro at 21 even before learning about those terms at 24.

I continue to experience harassment while living with multiple intersecting sexualities and I did not have the vocabulary to articulate my survival because I was a sex-repulsed/adverse-asexual and a romantic repulsed/adverse aromantic and I did not even know it at the time.

Today at 34 I still identify as an aromantic person even while seeking romance today currently and I am still an aromantic person; I have been single and self-partnered for my entire life by choice and by circumstances. Just because a person is single does not mean they are an aromantic person themselves. The definition of an aromantic is no desire for a romantic partner; I am grey aromantic because I am seeking romance and a romantic partner; I am still aromantic while seeking a partnership because I was a romantic repulse/adverse aromantic for most of my entire life. Sometimes, I am still romantic repulse/adverse even while seeking romance.

I no longer identify as an asexual person but I still identity as a grey asexual to describe my interest and desire for sex despite having a low-to-no sexual attraction; there are asexual people who have no, little, or a high libido. People do shift and therefore may use grey-ace and or ace to describe their sexuality which may or may not fluctuate. No matter their libido/sex drive people are still asexual and or grey asexual.

Currently, at 34 I no longer identify as a grey asexual person because my needs have changed, I now identify as an allosexual and sometimes I still experience sexuality within the asexual spectrum and I do admit sometimes often frequently I do experience sexual desire and sexual attraction and sometimes it is in a clear, frequent, consistent, manner and sometimes inconsistently. I still identify as grey asexual to acknowledge my previous sex-repulsed/adverse-asexual identity and my previous grey asexual identity and sometimes I do shift and identify with being an allosexual person a person who experience sexual attraction in a clear and consistent way. Today and I still identity as grey ace and sometimes my needs defiantly do not relate with the asexual and or with the grey-asexual spectrum currently and sometimes I feel like that was my sexual orientation previously and I still experience sexual identity within the asexual spectrum even while seeking and desiring sex and I do acknowledge my shift and change.

I use grey aromantic throughout this article to acknowledge my previous aromantic identity even while seeking romance; I am still aromantic because being aro is an experience that still applies to me today. I use grey asexual ‘grey-ace’ throughout this article to acknowledge my previous asexual and grey asexual identities. Currently, I use grey ace and grey aro to explain my identities which is more accurate for me to explain my current sexuality today. I am still part of the asexual and the aromantic community even with an identity that shifts and that changes.

If you believe you are asexual, aromantic, somewhere in between, unsure, questioning, or fluctuating sexuality that shifts and changes; you can identify as such! No one else knows your emotional and physical experiences as you do. If you find it hard to distinguish between sexual attraction, libido/sex-drive, sexual desire, romantic attraction, or romantic desire; you may be an asexual and or an aromantic. It is a confusing process to figure out and to learn about various sexualities; it is okay if you are still questioning, somewhere in-between, and if your sexuality shifts and changes.

Unfortunately, there is gatekeeping that happens within asexual, aromantic, and queer communities. For example, the ace and aro communities do not consider the experiences of those who are grey and those whose sexuality is fluid, and that changes; people are not seen as a real aromantic nor as a real asexual person. Unfortunately, there are aces and aros that view this article as incorrect information because of the shame associated with a sexuality that shifts and that changes so, therefore, it prevents access to amplify the voices of marginalized people so it further erases the experiences of aces and aros living with an STI, aces and aros living with an STI at birth, and those who sexuality is fluid and that changes. The queer community does not view aces and aros not part of the queer community even though aces and aros still experience discrimination, erasure, oppression, and violence just as those who are romantic and those who are a sexual queer.

Cultural appropriation and those whose sexuality is fluid-that-changes are two different things. Appropriation is the adoption of an element from a particular culture to pretend to be a part of a community or pretend to own an experience that is not yours. When a person’s sexuality is fluid-that-changes they are still part of the community because of the erasure, violence, and discrimination a person experienced while being part of a marginalized identity.

If your sexuality shifted authentically and organically to an identity associated with privileges. For example, heterosexual, allosexual, and or alloromantic which are specific sexualities too and people do shift to those sexualities as well. It is important not to erase marginalized people; we must acknowledge our own privileges to amplify the needs of marginalized communities by giving folks access to accessible jobs and homes, paid vacation, making it easier and accessible to apply for DSHS and to receive disability benefits, honor indigenous peoples treaties, give black people and people of color 40 acres and reparation pay, house homeless in vacant homes for free, fund education and schools. Do not fund war, prisons, and definitely not the police. We need social workers, therapists, psychologists, paramedics to be equipped with bulletproof vests and to have body cams on them and on their cars when getting 911 calls; the police do not need guns.

We must acknowledge asexuality, aromanticism, grey identities are valid sexualities too. We must support all our queer, trans, nonbinary, trans men, trans women, cis women, women, and intersex siblings too including the ones with disabilities. No matter what your sexual orientation and gender identity/expression is, your survival is important.

People continue to silence and erase marginalized voices; especially the black ones and communities of color, those living with HIV at birth or an STI, and a person who was/still is asexual, aromantic, grey-asexual, and grey-aromantic even while acknowledging my shift and change.

I was born queer, asexual, aromantic, grey; sometimes, I do wonder if my HIV-positive status since birth and my childhood trauma contributed to my asexuality, my aromantic, and my grey identities. I lived with 25 years dealing with domestic violence; my father was abusive and an alcoholic; he was incarcerated several times, in and out of jail, and in prison for most of my entire life. There were arguments between my parents almost every single night and I lived in poverty. It was difficult being a child born with HIV especially being the only kid in the classroom with the personal experience with HIV especially when the textbook and the teacher lied about HIV; I did not date because of trauma; I did not want to experience a romantic relationship because of the abuse from my father; I did not want to have sex because of my HIV positive status.

It is interesting for the entirety of my life I was made to believe that romantic and sexual relationships will cure loneliness and solve all of your worries just to feel value and how much I still idolized romantic and sexual relationships; it is a struggle just to fit in with the dominant culture and disappointing when my own friends and my own family members ridiculed my worth when I had disclosed to them, 'I never desired sex or even a romantic relationship.' Since being grey asexual and grey aromantic today, I realized romantic and sexual relationships do not cure your loneliness; briefly, I dated someone, and I was still sad and depressed while with them in our temporary relationship because I still miss my own friendships and my own family connections more than I do the romantic and the sexual ones.

I was still lonely and isolated while briefly dating a person. Just because I am seeking sex, or a romantic partner does not mean I lack the need for social and emotional intimacy from my platonic connections; ya’ll break my heart the most but never a romantic rejection. I am tired of people telling me how to feel as it relates to romance and with sex and people actually told me and continue to tell me that I am the one who should be sad and angry for being romantically rejected and for not having a romantic partner.

Honestly, I am not sad nor angry regarding a romantic rejection. I respect your boundary; I will ask for space to grief to get myself correct just to respect boundaries and I hope people will respect my boundaries too. It will take me 2-3 weeks to grief because I want healthy friendships; once I grief I welcome the non-romantic friendship. I want people to respect my boundaries to grief instead of gaslighting me into a friendship because I want healthy friendships. It breaks my heart when friendships change and become acquaintances without a moment notice because I am constantly reaching out to my community and no one is ‘showing up.’ I am never upset for losing sex and romance but more upset with losing a friendship and being ok not everyone wants to be my friend because I believe in accountability, consent and boundaries even respecting those who do not want to be my friend. I am still working on friendship grief and being ok when people do not want to be friend anymore.

Unfortunately, there is more clinical support dealing with romantic lost but not friendship lost; society teaches people that its ok to miss romantic and sexual relationships more than the platonic connections which is a replica of toxic rape culture and violence; it lacks consent without consideration of boundaries—I wish society valued friendship grief instead of being focused only on the loss of sex and the loss of romance because this mentality of entitlement for other peoples’ bodies is toxic and I wish people missed friendship more than the romance and the sex.

I wish people would say, "I’m interested in a friendship connection or I don’t want to talk to you anymore," instead of stating a micro-aggressive comment that erases asexual and aromantic people-- not everyone wants or desires a romantic sexual relationship but are actually seeking a platonic friendship as the ultimate goal. It is ok to say, “I’m seeking a friendship connection, I don’t want to talk to you anymore, or I don’t want to have sex with you”; its okay to say the last statement just remember asexual people exist too and they do not experience sexual attraction and most aces do not want to have sex. Also do not say, "I am not interested in dating or I’m not interested in a romantic relationship or I’m not attracted to---,” unless someone is pressuring you so its ok to say that; however, those three statements assumes that romantic and sexual relationships are the default when folks just want is a text message hello or just to have their platonic needs met. Remember that aromantic people exist too and they do not desire a romantic relationship.

It is affirming to my aromantic and my asexual identities when people say, "I want to be friends," or you can say, "I don't want to talk to you anymore." Furthermore, I am not sad or angry for a romantic rejection or for someone naming a boundary. In actuality, the only thing that makes me sad and angry is people telling me how to feel regarding a romantic rejection. The only thing that makes me the most sad and angry is not having the chosen family, friendships, family, and people who are in my community already not to show-up with that text message hello, or not to have folks invite me to an event, or not to have folks help out when hardships happen, or not have folks check in on the emotional wellbeing of their friendships or family connections, or not having the opportunity to express my actual feelings to people whom are supposed to be in my community who say these toxic micro-aggressive comments—They hurt and erase my asexuality and my aromantic identities and it perpetuates toxic rape culture. It hurts not having the opportunity to tell people how I truly feel and not having my community show up with their platonic intimacy actually makes me the most sad and angry but never a romantic rejection or falling out of love.

The question you are probably asking is, "How does HIV impact your dating life?" Stigma is a deadly disease (it almost got me fired from jobs, I have lost friendships even potential romantic and or sexual connections because of my HIV-positive status). There are some people who still believe that you can 'catch AIDS' from holding hands or from sharing food. A common misconception that people have ‘is to reject HIV-positive people’ because of safety issues when engaging in sexual activity. This is a problematic framework because it undermines the purpose of people taking important lifesaving drugs; such as, antivirals and the “Undetectable equals Untransmittable ” U=U is scientific research and a human rights movement which states that people living with HIV whose virus is completely undetectable WILL NOT sexually transmit the virus to their partners again I do not want to be everyone’s friend especially when those friendships are rooted in stigma.

I disclose my status; it is my responsibility to maintain consent culture; it is my moral code to disclose. Simply, I want others to be honest with me as well about their STI’s and I want those same people to know the genuine me. People with an STI are required to disclose their status when individuals share a syringe to exchange bodily fluids during sex or if the information is needed for healthcare professionals to do their job pertaining to health history or medication regimen but only at the discretion of people living with HIV or with an STI. Not every healthcare professional needs to know that I am HIV positive or living with an STI especially when going to the dentist or getting a tattoo because individuals are trained to use barriers and take universal provisions. HIV does not spread from regular social contact.

I am undetectable I have the option to disclose or not; I still disclose my status while being undetectable before having sex with or without a condom. Most importantly, undetectable fluctuates throughout ones life due to stress, missing medication, immune system changes which may all contribute to HIV viral changes within the body.

In regards to disclose, I shouldn’t have to disclose to everyone in the entire world because of safety reasons, discrimination reasons, or if I’m kissing someone because HIV isn’t spread from kissing nor is it spread from sensual touch only when bodily fluids are exchanged and I am undetectable but I still disclose. I always disclose when things move further.

I shouldn’t have to disclose if the relationship is a non-sexual friendship. (I still disclose my status because I want my friendships to know the real me. I disclose when I feel safe).

I shouldn’t have to disclose if it is a family connection or chosen family. (I disclose to people I can trust).

Another thing that is difficult about being HIV positive especially in the context of dating is that a majority of people assumes that everyone in the entire world desires and or wants to have sex—I have lost friendships mostly those same people assumed I wanted to have sex so basically, I'm not even allowed to have platonic friendships because of my HIV positive status and assumption of being a person who desires sex or romantic relationships; it is the erasure of my asexual and aromantic identities too. This makes building and connecting with the community hard because most times and in my life, I only desired friendships.

HIV is not transmitted through saliva, sweat, skin-to-skin contact, feces, or urine. So, there is no risk of getting HIV from regular social contact, such as closed-mouth kissing, shaking hands, sharing food or drinks, or hugging (the Center for Disease Control (CDC), 2021).

It is complicated being HIV positive while dating and even more of a challenge being an aromantic and an asexual person too. I am grey asexual and I am grey aromantic so this is partially true. As a grey sexual and as a grey aromantic I still acknowledge not to take away from the experiences of those who are sex-repulse/adverse -asexuals and from those who are romantic-repulse/adverse aromantics; however, my experiences are still valid as a grey person with an identity that shifts and changes.

It is challenging to build a supportive community especially in the era of desirability politics, the context of HIV and AIDS, aromanticism, asexuality and to find and build chosen family outside of sex and romance.

Many people don't want to date an HIV-positive person because it is 'risky' and many don't want to date black people, people of color, disabled people. Another thing that is difficult with dating, people assume that everyone in the world wants to have sex and or to have a romantic relationship; it harms and erases asexual and aromantic people who are seeking only friendships.

People with HIV are resilient many of them are on antiviral therapy medication and we can and do live a long and a healthy life. A common stereotype associated with people living with HIV is that their life is a death sentence especially when they do not take their medication (yes, taking medicine is important; I still take my Genvoya daily) but for some HIV-positive people that is not the case because some HIV-positive people are ‘long-term non-progressors’ also called ‘elite controllers;’ these two vocabulary terms mean that HIV-positive people who maintain a CD4 count greater than 500 without antiretroviral therapy and still maintains a detectable viral load (Carter, M. 2009). I am one of those elite controllers and or ‘long-term non-progressors.’ Basically, my immune system is like a normal person without HIV; I never had to take medicine because of my ‘elite controller’ status. Medical professionals diagnosed me as an ‘elite controller’ throughout my entire childhood and for most of my adult life even though I still had a detectable viral load. Currently, now I take an HIV medicine called Genvoya and it is a $3,827.85 a month for 30 pills and I have been taking it since the age of 29 and I have been taking this medication for about 4 years now; I am glad I have health insurance or else I would be struggling.

There are many people in the world who rely solely on friendship, family, chosen family, and community support resources just to survive (I am one of those people). People need and desire connections and supports from their friendships and from their family members; it’s tough receiving help from your community when you really need them, and no one is showing up.

It is sad to witness the trend of romantic supremacy and its failure to recognize the importance of friendships, platonic friendships, family, community-centered spaces, text messages hello, being invited to an event, showing up when life hits the fan are all important and vital as romantic coupled relationships.

People who are in a monogamous, polyamorous, non-monogamous, couple, partnership, relationship, a friendship, a family connection, or even a marriage can still experience loneliness, isolation, hardship, abuse, trauma, social discrimination as presented within the context of this article. This hierarchy harms everyone; the asexuals, the aromantics, the greys, and the allo people.

It is disheartening when people 'ghost' (I do it too). ‘Ghosting’ is when people don’t respond to you at all because it can be for desirability reasons, for trauma and for abuse reasons, for not having any interest in you, for not having the energy or the ‘spoons’ to communicate. I notice this to be a trend of people 'ghosting' especially within the dating realm and this is true for my own friendship circles and my own family support systems to ‘ghost’ too. It is difficult when my own friends, family, and community ghost so it is a challenge to have people show up to meet basic needs. I know not everyone owes me their time, so I gravitate to those who are supposed to be in my community, and sometimes people have anxiety, depression, or a disability.

Basic needs that are hard to have met in friendships and by my family members because it seems those needs are obtained only within romantic relationships, such as, emergency trips to the ER, help pack and move to a new location, to help with chores around the house, to help with finances (like paying the bills), to receive a text message hello, and to meet the need of social interaction with humans. I know thousands of people around the world; I still feel isolated. When I ask for help, or ask someone to attend an event, or ask someone to send/receive a text message hello sometimes it is like pulling teeth to have people show up (if I’m lucky).

I know people are busy; most times, it is exceedingly difficult to have friendships and family members show up for just one day. Sure, people cannot be there all the time, so I am constantly reaching out to my friendships and to my family connections of over 1,000 people and it is still difficult to have people show up to meet basic simple needs for just one day. It does seem that people constantly bend over backward to meet their romantic partner’s everyday basic and essential needs while leaving friendships, family members, survivors of abuse, asexuals, aromantic, single, disabled, demiromantic, and demisexual people in the dust while so many of our people thrive, need, and rely on friendship and family connections just to survive.

Vocabulary terms:

Sex-averse~ typically refers to not wanting to engage in sex itself and/or for reasons that might make sex unbearable for example sensory hypersensitivity (if your are touch-averse, it's logical that one might be sex-averse too).

Sex-repulsed~ is deep disgust towards sex. Not all asexuals are sex-repulsed; many are averse, indifferent or ambivalent about sex, or may be sex-favorable or sex-interested. Likewise, not all sex-repulsed people are asexual. There is a small percent of people who are allosexual but are sex-repulsed.

Romance-repulsed~ to indicate that they find romance or romantic activities to be disgusting, revolting, or otherwise uncomfortable.

Romance averse~ describes a person who is mildly to severely uncomfortable with romance directed at them or displays of romantic affections.

***Not all aromantics are romance-repulsed/averse; many are indifferent or ambivalent about romance, and some may be romance-positive. Likewise, not all romance-repulsed people are aromantic. There is a small percentage of people are alloromantic but are romance-repulsed.

Amatonormativity~ Amato’ means romantic love ‘normativity’ is culturally normal.

Amatonormativity is a term coined by Elizabeth Brake to describe the widespread assumption that everyone is better off in an exclusive, romantic, long-term coupled relationship and that everyone is seeking such a relationship.

Global world culture around the world puts romantic relationships on this pedestal which explains the gaslight experiences, trauma, and the discrimination that single, asexual, aromantic, demiromantic, and demisexual people experience on the daily.

‘Demi’ ~ Demi is a term to include demisexual and demiromantic. Demisexual is a term used for people who need an emotional bond to be sexually attracted to someone. Demiromantics need an emotional bond to be romantically attracted to someone. Grey Asexuality and grey aromanticism are umbrella terms to include Demisexual and Demiromantic.

Positively Positive does not identify as Demisexual because often they do not desire an emotional connection before considering a possibility of a sexual relationship. Positively Positive does not identify as Demiromantic because they do not need an emotional bond to feel romantically attracted to someone else. Lately, Positively Positive has been exploring and questioning being demiromantic recently simply going on a first date and immediately “clicking” with someone is nearly impossible and it takes a deeper understanding and appreciation of personality, values, beliefs, investment which for them doesn’t happen overnight—Most times feeling alienated and left out because Positively Positive is not like most people.

Awesome quote:

“What many of us need is for the allos (a term that the asexual and the aromantic community use to refer to people who experience romantic attraction ‘alloromantic’ or sexual desire ‘allosexual’ in a clear, frequent, consistent sometimes in an inconsistent manner and are the social norm) in our lives who love us to think about and challenge amatonormativity in their own lives. This won’t just benefit aromantics, because amatonormativity harms many, many more people who aren’t aromantic. Survivors of abuse, people with disabilities, divorcees, people who never married for any reason, people our society considers undesirable, all are harmed by amatonormativity and the prevailing models of interpersonal relationships in western societies, including family, professional, and platonic relationships. It’s going to take a broad effort by many people to raise this issue to the visibility required to bring about systemic change, but you can make a difference in the relationships you participate in already by supporting and just paying more attention to your friends and your family.

Bibliography for the article:

Carter, M. (2009). HIV non-progressor status established soon after infection. Retrieved from Aids Map: https://www.aidsmap.com/news/jan-2009/hiv-non-progressor-status-established-soon-after-infection

The Center for Disease Control (CDC). (2021). Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/basics/hiv-transmission/body-fluids.html

Murrell, D. M., & Cafasso, J. (n.d.). Is HIV Transmitted Through Kissing? What You Should Know. Retrieved from Healthline: https://www.healthline.com/health/is-hiv-transmitted-through-kissing