Darkest Edges of my Mind
On the worst days when depression and anxiety had me in their grasp and how I escaped.
Suffering with both depression and anxiety has been one of the most difficult things I have had to deal with in my life, anxiety making me dread being around people or going into public, but depression making me feel absolutely alone and just wanting someone to be with me so I don't feel never-ending loneliness. Finding ways to cope with two illnesses that are the opposite of the other has been a nightmare, just a constant internal battle, me vs me, me against my own mind... I think to myself, "This isn't fair," but I know that I am not the only one who struggles with this battle. To see how many people struggle with anxiety and depression, or similar mental illnesses, is honestly sad, sad because so many people have to deal with their own mind as their enemy, among so many other things that go on in life, having your mind against you makes it hard to even get through the simplest things.
Today is a bad day... It's one of those days where you wake up and you just feel drained, so mentally and physically exhausted that you wish you had slipped into the eternal dark abyss instead of having to face another day. I finally solved a problem and felt that I finally took a step forward, then life throws me another problem and I feel that I'm knocked 10 steps back, and it feels like no matter what I do, I can never get ahead.
I feel like I've become the rock in my household, I'm the one who keeps us steady and stable, I keep us together and when something goes wrong... "I'll take care of it." They don't know the half of it, they don't understand why I'm so exhausted, why I can't sleep, why I can't keep anything down when I eat; when things fall apart they don't even catch a whiff of it because I'm always the one to get everything taken care of. I love my family, but I know at the first sign of trouble, they fold under the pressure, they can't handle it... Not like I can. Maybe life has just built me this way, to withstand so much... But I am tired. I feel like I have the entire world on my shoulders and if I show weakness even for a second, everything will come crashing down around us, and it'll be all my fault.
I'm suffocating. I can't breathe under all the stress and responsibility that has been put on me. I wake up in the morning and I have to resist the urge to cry because I have to get up and put a smile on my face and act like I'm okay; I go to work and give all of patients the brightest smile I can, but when I leave for the day... I have to resist the urge to drive into oncoming traffic or drive off the freeway. A terrible thing to say, I know, I would never want to leave my family, certainly not that way, but my mind is just so done that I can't help but think that way. People will think I'm choosing the easy way out, but it's not the easy way out, to leave my loved ones behind, hurting and grieving me over something I did to myself? It is far from easy.
I go home after work every day, slowly and steadily, I fight back tears, and when I walk through the door and I smile. I made it through the day, tomorrow will be better, next week is a mystery, but if I've gotten through 100% of my worst days so far, so I can get through today.
“Decide to be fine until the end of the week. Make yourself smile, because you’re alive and that’s your job. Then do it again the next week.” - Supernatural, Season 7 Episode 11
About the Creator
Mercedes Chavez
Come with me, lets go on an adventure together, see the world through my eyes, let me paint a picture with my words, I promise you will be able to feel what I felt the first time I experienced it. Love, sadness and everything in between.
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Comments (1)
your feelings are valid, and seeking help or support when facing these mental health battles is not a sign of weakness. It takes courage to acknowledge and confront these challenges. You are not alone in this journey, and there are people and resources ready to offer support, understanding, and guidance. Your resilience and determination to face each day are incredibly admirable.