How can your life be ruined even before you started? Maybe not ruined, but certainly damaged. Such a damaged human being from the start. I always felt disconnected from every person, but most of all, family. I would be the one who was a goody-goody, while my sisters rebelled. They always treated me like the annoying youngest sister. The only one who wouldn't go out. The one always upset. Always jealous and longing for love and attention.
When my parents split, it was such a significant devastation to only one sister and myself. We both were the youngest. It's like the rest of my sisters didn't even feel hurt about the entire situation. My mom never asked if we were okay. The few friendships I've left and started weren't there for me either. Before my stepdad left, he was with my mom since I was born. My mom left my real dad before that, due to his drug addiction and abusing. So my stepdad was the one who raised me; he was my actual dad. But once that one left, it was like he no longer existed. Less than six months after the split, he was already remarried and planning on moving to a different country with his new family. I haven't heard another word from him. Not even a call or birthday card within the same year. I basically grieved as if he died. Dealing with the aftermath, without the support. Now, if someone can do that and nobody gives a rats ass, how the hell would I be able to trust men in the future?
Going to a new school, friends always felt like a struggle to receive the same attention as I would give. Always trying too hard to be liked by everyone. I couldn't help but feel like a misfit all the time. I think all I ever wanted my entire life, was to feel wanted, loved, and adored. To have people treat me so overly great and feel worthy. But the reality was the opposite, feeling like nobody to everyone. Once boys came into the picture, I just didn't even know how to react. Like, if I can't even have a two-way equal friendship, how the fuck can I have a normal, healthy and fulfilling relationship? The best feeling in the world is for a guy to chase after me and truly show me attention and want to actually spend time with me. So when that rarely happened, I would fall hard. Fall hard for anyone who gave a damn about me.
Every day, I realize more and more that it really was my adolescence that made me have a hole in my heart. My childhood, both dads, broke me before I even had a chance to live my life. I fall for any type of manipulation when it comes to being liked. I still try really hard to be liked by everybody. I crave love. The worst feeling is knowing people don't like my company or even hate me. I don't understand how this still effects my life to the core. I literally grew up thinking what is the point of life and will it ever get better?
Now I'm 29 and to this day, I ask the exact same question. Sure, I've matured more and been through so much more that I am stronger. But life is still hard. It's as if I still can't fix the sadness and loneliness that I feel.