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Conflicts of Polyamorous Relationships

Speaking as someone who's done the poly thing, there are a lot of conflicts in polyamorous relationships that would make anyone rethink their choice.

By Skunk UzekiPublished 6 years ago 7 min read
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Hello! I'm pansexual. I'm also polyamorous by nature but am more into to being in a monogamous relationship. Because of the way my love style operates, I have experienced a wide array of different relationship styles.

I've been in gay relationships, straight ones, monogamous ones, open relationships, as well as polyamorous relationships. In fact, I've actually enjoyed all of these styles and see the value in each of them.

One thing I will say about relationships is that I'm extremely leery about entering polyamorous arrangements again. Though part of the reason why is because I want to get married, it's also because the conflicts of polyamorous relationships are just too much to handle.

I prefer an open relationship to a polyamorous one, big time. I have reason for that, too. As someone who's been there and done it all, here are some of the fights that made me rethink ever doing something totally poly again.

The Time Spent Argument

When you have multiple partners and you're trying to keep things equal, you'll quickly find that it's a Herculean task. Our own nature tends to mean that we cannot spend time equally between two people. It's just not possible.

If one partner feels ignored in a polyamorous relationship, you better watch out. Jealousy will go through the roof, or they may just bail and talk smack about you to others. Or, worse, they do the passive-aggressive pouting thing where they refuse to tell you what's wrong.

This is one of the most common conflicts of polyamorous relationships, and it's insanely aggravating. Even if your time management is on point, the moment one partner starts to feel jealous is the moment that you'll hear it.

The Title Argument

I'm a "title" person. I need to have the title of "spouse" or "fiancée" or "girlfriend/boifriend" to feel happy in a relationship. The thing is, a lot of people in polyamorous relationships don't operate that way at all. If they do, it's often called a "partnership."

For me, one of the biggest conflicts of polyamorous relationships was getting a title that I want. I want to know that I'm enough for that person to want to elevate me to that position. What other people get called doesn't bother me; I just need to know I'm up there.

This was one of the main reasons one of my poly relationships exploded. I have absolutely no regrets for leaving them the way I did, either. It's too big a conflict for me to feel okay with settling for less than what I want.

The "How Do I Tell My Family?" Argument

One of the worst conflicts of polyamorous relationships deals with how to handle family members finding out you're in one. If they are the least bit conservative, I can tell you that they either don't take you seriously or start flipping out.

A lot of people just outright hate this kind of relationship and will see it as a sign that you're desperate for love. You will end up hearing people judge you for it, and it will take a lot of tact when it comes to dealing with conflict to overcome it.

The worst part is that your partners don't always want you to handle people knowing your own way. Trust me when I say that it becomes a really sticky situation.

The Argument Over Feeling Left Out

Don't ask me why, but some of the loneliest nights I've had were in an exclusive polyamorous relationship. If you feel overlooked or if your partners actually forget to ask you about major issues, it's really hard not to have this argument.

With more people come more complications. With more people, it's way easier to accidentally get left out of a major discussion or feel underappreciated by the crowd. This is one of the very few conflicts of polyamorous relationships that is difficult, if not impossible, to fully resolve at times.

The Kids Argument(s)

For the most part, I've only been in child-free relationships. However, in my first poly relationship, one of my partners had a daughter. Trying to figure out who cares for kids, who gets to watch over them, and what would happen if everyone splits out was nerve wracking.

I'll be the first to say it. Kids and polyamorous relationships don't often mix very well. If you really love your partners, it can work. Most people, though, will find the conflicts of polyamorous relationships with kids involved to be too much to bear.

The Partner Choice Squabble

One of the most pervasive myths about polyamorous relationships is that you can get in one easily. A smart poly person chooses their partners just as carefully as they would a monogamous partner. Partner quality counts regardless of what kind of relationship you're in.

In a poly relationship, all partners have to agree on a new partner. The problem is? Well, the agreement doesn't always happen. At times, all the other partners may also choose to break up with a member of the poly squad.

I need not explain how explosive this genre of conflicts of polyamorous relationships can be. During arguments like this, you'll end up hearing everything from accusations of "not being poly" to "not giving him a chance," to "being heartless."

Of the four poly relationships I've been in, I can say this conflict has been the single reason at least one of them ended. In all four, this argument happened multiple times. It's never pleasant.

The Sex Arguments

Perhaps one of the bigger conflicts of polyamorous relationships deal with is sex. It's not only a matter of getting jealous, either. It's a matter of actually making sure all partners feel like they're sexually satisfied and that's not always easy to do.

Polyamorous relationship sex is a lot like monogamous sex—just with more partners. The usual conflicts that you'd have in a regular relationship, you have in a poly relationship.

The one potential argument that is different in a poly relationship occurs when your partners prefer each other over you. I've seen this happen with a friend of mine, and as you can imagine, the result was not a good one. At all.

The "How Do I Define This?" Conflict

There's polyamorous, and then there's open relationships. It's not always easy to figure out which is which. Generally speaking, I define an open relationship as having a main squeeze with a bunch of side dishes.

A polyamorous relationship is hard to define at times, and what each person expects can be different. Believe it or not, this is one of the few conflicts of open relationships that can be solved with simply talking it out.

The Argument Over Lifestyle

This is one of the few conflicts of polyamorous relationships I actually miss, to a point. The cool thing about being in a polyamorous relationship is the fact that there are more people, which means you can pool more resources together. This leads to more options as far as lifestyles go,

With one of my old relationships, there were six of us. Our total income was $250,000—even though I only earned around $5,000 that year. Those who couldn't add money to the pool added manpower. In a successful polyamorous relationship, this is a massive perk.

With all the extra money and manpower comes a lot of options. Do we live in Herndon, Virginia, or do we live up in North Bergen, New Jersey? Do we buy a house or rent a party loft? Do we go to a BDSM convention or hit up RenFaire?

So. Many. Options.

The "Is This Really Right for Me?" Conflict

This is more of an internal conflict than a conflict with your partners, and that's to be expected. Everyone will tell you that a poly relationship is "selling yourself short." Sometimes, you will ask yourself if being in this kind of arrangement is right for you.

The conflicts of polyamorous relationships are often solved through talking it out, and it's true in this case, too. For this one, opening up a dialogue with yourself is the best move you can make.

It might be right for you, or it might not. I can't tell you that; only you can figure it out.

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About the Creator

Skunk Uzeki

Skunk Uzeki is an androgynous pothead and a hard partier. When they aren't drinking and causing trouble, they're writing articles about the fun times they have.

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