Confessions of a perfectionist

Being kind to myself doesn't come naturally to me.

From an early age, I believed that I needed to be perfect to be any good person. It's probably A combination of my natural type A disposition and my home environment. My brother had a lot of problems as a child, struggled in school and often showed it. He is always in trouble.

My parents were probably happy to have a child who made it easy for them. I always excelled in school, always behaved well, and always followed the rules.

Everything seemed fine in high school. I got straight A's without studying hard, excelled on the school water polo team, and was A respected leader in my class. I got into Harvard. I think I'm special.

However, being a perfectionist caught up with me. When I arrived at Harvard, I was immediately beaten down by people smarter and more talented than me. I signed up for a pre-med program, but I failed my first few chemistry tests. I study harder, but there's nothing better than B. Instead of being the star of my water polo team, I struggled for a few minutes.

My first reaction to this pressure is to try harder. I studied harder, I exercised harder, and I made rules for myself. I have to study a certain number of hours a day, I have to get a certain number of grades, I have to get to a certain level in water polo practice.

If I didn't live up to my standards, I would feel worthless, worthless, and perhaps the worst insult of all - mediocrity.

Not surprisingly, I became extremely anxious. It would take me hours to fall asleep and I would lie awake and feel my heart beating out of my chest. When I finally fall asleep, I dream of organic chemical molecules swirling in my head.

I can only keep up with the demanding schedule I put on myself for so long. As I began to subside, the anxiety turned into a deep depression. I can hardly sleep. I cry every day, for no reason. I felt hopeless. I hate myself.

After two months of my junior year, I felt so bad that I left school. I dropped out of school, left all my friends, and came home.

Emotionally, I feel like I'm starting from scratch. For years, my entire sense of self-worth was based on external achievements. Now that I don't have this external validation, I have to start over.

The key thing I lack is kindness. Not just kindness to others, but kindness to ourselves. Compassion begins with being kind to yourself.

At the same time that I feared being mediocre and believed that being mediocre meant I wasn't good enough, I failed to recognize an important truth - that exceptionally compassionate people are rarely mediocre.

So if, like me, you're prone to self-criticism or perfectionism, how can you retrain your brain to be kind to yourself?

1. Practice gratitude

If you feel self-critical, you may focus on the negative things you think about yourself rather than the positive. I know that when I'm feeling down, I focus on what I'm lacking instead of all the amazing things I have. Practicing gratitude can shift your focus to the positive things in your life.

Take a few minutes to write down everything you admire -- perhaps your family, friends, health, work, your own gifts or talents -- anything that has a personal connection to you.

If you're feeling down, try practicing this exercise every day (I love it first thing in the morning).

Every morning, write down your list. It may feel compelled at first, but keep doing it. With practice, you may begin to realize that the positives in your life outweigh the negatives. Negative emotions become more tolerable when you see that there is so much to appreciate.

2. Reassess reality

When I'm hard on myself, I sometimes say I'm objective, but the truth is I'm pessimistic. I make assumptions, if I'm not perfect, I'm worth nothing, and only focus on information that reinforces those assumptions.

We need to challenge these negative assumptions and examine the reality. For example, look at these common negative assumptions people make about themselves:

If I'm overweight, I'm worthless or bad.

If my business doesn't succeed, it means I'm a failure.

I'm not in a relationship, so that means there must be something wrong with me.

Imagine if a friend came to you with such concerns. You might think, "Wow, they're so hard on themselves!" But the problem is we keep doing this to ourselves.

Imagine what you would say to your friend to comfort them and reintegrate their perception with reality. May:

If I'm overweight, I'm worthless or a bad person -- > Being overweight means there's an imbalance between what you eat and what you consume, so you can try different diets or exercise methods, but not without reflecting on your character or taking away your contributions to those around you.

If my business doesn't work, that means I failed - > many original businesses fail, and these people create successful businesses in the future, so do your best and if it doesn't work, keep trying!

I'm not in love, so that means there must be something wrong with me - > most people go through a serious relationship before they find a problem they can fix, and not being in a relationship right now won't 'doesn't mean you won't meet someone later.

Practice identifying the negative assumptions you automatically make in your daily life and then challenging them - what is reality and what is truth?

3. Learn to forgive

A lot of people talk about the benefits of forgiving those who hurt us, so that we can let go of the pain caused by holding a grudge. It is equally important to learn how to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we may make and the imperfections we will always have.

People with perfectionist tendencies often want to push mistakes out of their minds rather than face them head-on, but more power comes from facing and accepting these imperfections.

When you learn to forgive yourself and accept things you may not like, you become a stronger, more confident, and more compassionate person. This compassion can be directed not only at yourself, but at everyone around you.

4. Appreciate the lessons you've learned

An important way to confront and accept past mistakes is to realize how much you've learned from those experiences.

If I hadn't gone through such a hard time in college, I would never have been motivated to develop a healthier way of dealing with myself. When I didn't meet my standards, I kept expecting perfection and was disappointed.

But because I struggled so deeply, I couldn't help but realize that there was something wrong with my worldview. I was forced to learn an important lesson.

We usually learn the most from our biggest struggles and our biggest mistakes. If you have a hard time accepting the mistakes you made, consider how much you have grown from the experience and how you now have the knowledge to help others in similar situations.

5. Allow flexibility

One of the most important skills I've learned in my adult life, and I continue to learn every day, is how to be flexible.

When you become rigid about how you think things should be, it closes your mind. Everyday happenings become frustration. Too much time is wasted on things you can't control.

Instead, cultivate flexibility. Allowing for imperfection will make you a kinder person, both in terms of how you treat yourself and how you interact with the world.

I practice the "80 percent rule" to improve flexibility (I strongly encourage all perfectionists). When I'm working on a task or project, instead of obsessing about making it perfect, I ask myself, "Is this 80 percent good?" If so, I let myself be happy with what I've done and move on to the next step.

Back when I dropped out, I went from constantly studying, exercising or attending classes to sitting at my parents' house, doing nothing. I've had a lot of time to reflect.

I wish I could say I understood everything right away, but I didn't. It took a long time to internalize the lessons above. It took me years to reinforce bad habits, and it took years to learn healthier ones.

I spent the rest of the semester at home, then returned to Harvard for the spring. At this point, I began to emerge from depression. I feel hopeful. Every day is a little better than the last.

A few years later, I got a degree in psychology. I took time off to travel and work before going to medical school, and now I'm in my third year of psychiatry residency at UCLA.

I've never been more content and happy with my work and life, but sometimes I need to remind myself of where I've been, so I'm not going back there.

Learning to be kind to yourself is a lifelong journey. Every day you try, and every day is better than the last.