Coming in to 20,000$

Katie was always indignant about the way she spent. Uncertain and coiffed by a determination to spend and become new. Have an idea to herself and be like the rest of the people around her. Unfortunately this wasn’t what she was. She was ugly, frail and avoidant of any real issues that came her way. She hated death and everything that surrounded it. And there was a lot of good surrounding it.

I can’t do this anymore. Live as if the whole conservative world is simply a death trap keeping me in hell and fear and leading me towards an underground world of demonic, hedonistic pleasure. But what is life like with true pleasure always and how can I accept everything to become who I am?

What if money wasn’t selling your soul to the devil to receive poor man’s labour and become a starving, acorn eating girl with the lights on and deterioration all around her? What if money was a way to demonstrate freedom that gives? What if taking could be understood as something less soul sucking than being taken from and ended up dead in cold blooded murder by the very same thing that kept you warm?

I pray for peace but this is enough. The only people I see paying me are the government. But the government only represents half of me. I need it all.

She scurried around looking for something true, remembering how crows have a knack for finding shiny things. Feeling like all I could find was food and maybe some gems. But too afraid to sell them on the market. Not even sure how the market works. Terrified of winning and losing large sums. What if I won a large sum and everything collapsed and I was back to the squirrel life that I need to love? How could I manage my money so that it doesn’t fail me?

She remembered the excitement of watching flowers blossom and then she felt that nature died. Encouraging her to try again. Keep it fresh and new while remaining classing and true to who she is. Free.

Her Grannie knew about money, so did her Nana. It seemed the patriarchy did not. Because they gave them all their money and died. Maybe it was love, maybe it was a curse. Something we didn’t believe in but held onto secretly as an excuse and never said it because of the fear of making it true. Money came with a lot of good perks, she knew this because of her mother. But she didn’t want to include her ideas in her money making experience, nor her father. They scared her.

So she walked outside and every day tried a bit and discovered new things. Learning at different stores how to serve quality food. A gourmet bake shop. She traded her time for money and learned to be of service. It felt timeless though. Her biggest challenge was trying to keep the store up and evolving instead of deteriorating, dirty and messy. Her dirty secret and way of checking out of reality. Hiding in her shell, but feeling the pains of OCD.

As she searched, she discovered magic and her longing for family. True community surrounding her. Familiar and unchanging faces that loved her, knew her and were joyful to be around. Relationships that lasted. She felt like she was fighting the whole world to bring everyone she loved together. Feeling as if they were so scattered it made her weep. She wanted a legacy of a life well lived and demonized the evil of it. Hating anything that brought her closer to death. Anyone’s death. It annoyed her so much she finally decided to give it up and let it all come flooding in.

All the dark twisted thoughts. All the deaths and tolls she avoided, all the scary evil ideas she’d never even heard of but ran away from moving from job to job when people got too close. It just wasn’t her life, it was theirs. And they would destroy her. Yet she had no enemy. Just a consistent limbo where she ran from person to person and idea to idea.

Suddenly it dawned on her, she was the only one creating this for herself. She was not the one. Maybe some people did actually know and love her. Beyond her control. She desired it so bad that she denied it and pushed it aside thinking she must just be forcing it. The feeling that she had real friends?! That was the greatest excitement and joy in the world for a girl who only knew God loved her and she was loved by that unknown force. What if these friendships couldn’t be changed, only mended and nurtured? What if that idea to destroy this was just the fear of how badly we could treat each other in the excuse of freedom? Maybe freedom wasn’t everything...

She heard a woman’s voice speak that, smooth high pitched and feminine. The tone was effervescent and love. Yet her mind immediately knelt to the idea that this woman wanted to kill her. And take her place. Surrounded by loyal friends with her on the outside looking in. Something she was all too familiar with on her own. Denying denying, dying.

She knew that she knew people but she wondered if God, or they, would wipe her out and request her to join an entirely new team with entirely new faces to become familiar with love in everything. It sucked. Because she knew.

She’d been writing her feelings in her favourite little black notebook in order to get her back in touch with her Grandmother. She contemplated how to bring herself back to balance and held so much respect for her Grandmother that she wanted to let out. As she began writing she noticed that her family had its own legacy. It was a beautiful thing to remember the abundance of love they shared as she wrote. As she traced the lineage of her matriarchy and patriarchy, she began to understand that her money was in her the whole time. And it showed up continually as love and opportunity.

She went to a greenhouse and started writing down her feelings about disconnection and feeling as though she’d lost touch with her family in search of making money for herself. When suddenly someone came up to her and stopped her. She was shook. Alarmed. It wasn’t usual someone could break her boundaries and it felt like a death, but really was a step deeper into the greatness of love. The woman came to her and said she knew her, that her family had a farm back in the 1900s and she’d worked on that farm and drawn a large sum of money from the goods they’d sold. She’d left and never forgotten how well their family had treated her. Her family had left her a beautiful blue stone necklace that was crystal clear and shaped in a heart. Surprisingly, this woman pulled it out of her pocket and gave it to her. She said if she wore this necklace, she would learn to give and receive everything she had ever dreamed of.

Honestly, she was amazed at the miracle and didn’t think much about the genie in a bottle idea the necklace held. But she did feel the connection to her family through it. The woman smiled and left, hoping to see her again, acting as if she knew they would. Then it all came together. Her memory of her grandma wearing that necklace as a child and promising herself to give it to her granddaughter. It was all she needed to know that good things were coming.

Then out of the blue her Nana came flashing into her mind with a pink glowing light surrounding her. Knowing she was doing what she needed to create a good life and live spontaneously. As she grew to know this her trust became deeper as her family connection grew stronger. She began to remember her soul tribe and know that she would encounter the exact people needed to complete everything that was bound to be given to her, freely. She stayed in service and her wings grew as she became devoted to serving others making sure they had everything they needed.

As she stepped out of the house, she was stopped by an uber driver who told her he had a surprise for her and invited her to get in. She felt complete and total trust, glanced at the necklace and grabbed the drivers hand, getting in. She knew she was reliant on the universe and was beginning to give in. The driver pulled up to a quaint doorway with an arch that had blooming blue flowers surrounding it and drooping down. The fragrance was exceptional and deep. Reminding her of home and freedom. He told her to go inside. The place was for her as long as she needed. Smiling, they parted ways as she grabbed a flower from the arch and gave it out to him. He accepted gladly and drove off. Inside was an open lobby with a glass vase filled with orchids. The marble floors and high ceilings sang like a chorus of angels and vibrated out waves of peace and warm embrace. She felt nurtured in the space and as if she was exactly where she was meant to be. The room had arched floor to ceiling windows leading out to a patio in the back with a stone patio and big open field. The table on the patio had iced tea and was dressed with a full feast of brunch. She grabbed some food smiling and then went up the spiral staircase to her bedroom. It was incredible. White cotton linen and draped canopies with flowers and hues so bright and vivid she could hardly imagine seeing them. The floor was an incredible mosaic and she could hear beautiful music flowing out the open window with a perfect breeze wafting in. Through the window she heard the laughter and joy of a chef outside replacing the food she ate and waving at her with delight! What a beautiful pleasure. The food was so good she had barely tasted enough and was eager to try more. But first she leaped into the bed laughing and rolling around. Then she rolled on a card with her name written on it.

Dear Cara, it is your Great Aunt Anastasia. It is with my pleasure that you join us for a garden party today and stay as long as you need. The place is yours. There is a dress in the closet.

At the garden party, she flowed down the stairs and immediately saw 3 of her family members. It was a joy and unexpected. She laughed, swirled in her dress and ate delicious food. As she reached for a croissant she brushed the hand of a man. He was familiar. She knew him. He began to talk to her. His smile was sweet and kind and gentle. Pure in heart. They spoke of the garden party and of family. All was well. He told her he was going to be playing some music for the party and was filled with love and joy. The music was great. He mentioned there was a waterfall nearby and he could have a driver bring her tomorrow at her will. He thought she’d love it. She said yes, she would! And the day carried her into the night looking at the stars and the night carried her to the day where the driver picked her up promptly at 11am and delivered her to the majestic overflowing embodied waterfalls. It made her feel so deeply at one with all the earth and the water. Birds flew overhead and she dove into the cold water feeling refreshed and as if the water spirit was whispering wisdom of love. Telling her to let go. To love the earth and the world, and she certainly did. She felt so comfortable that she was tempted to sleep overnight on the rocks. But something called her to come home. So she got into the car and was driven back to the home she was staying at.

After several days she began to experience excitement that something new was coming. She’d gotten to know the cook who had been working there for years and he told her that Jean-Francisco the man at the garden party was stopping by later that day. She expected him around 3 and he arrived promptly with a look of chagrin on his bright and expansive face. He told her she was going to dinner. Formal with 5 courses. It was a fully rated michelin star restaurant. Something she’d always dreamed of. And it was happening. Miraculously her Great Aunt had another outfit hanging in the closet. As she went to change she noticed the painting on the wall was moving. Animated as if alive. It was incredibly cool. She trusted this man and so she went to dinner and had the most delectable experience. Pure art meeting cuisine.

Every day she woke up excited for the new moment ahead and felt completely loved and held by the universe. She found her favourite smoothie places and suddenly she remembered she had no money! It had all been given to her. She paused at the locket in wonder. How could I have so much good fortune and no money?

It blew her mind and she thought instantly about music. Her favourite passion.She imagined playing on a pier in the sunlight and receiving money. Feeling totally held, fed and nurtured in her soul. Everything she expected from the smoothie. Would she even need a smoothie after this she thought? The answer was no but she held onto the smoothie idea because she loved the vibe of the place and the feeling of independence. She trusted them, her family was incredible and she knew she always could ask them for divine inspiration and help and they would offer financially. But this felt different. Like something she could do with nothing and trust God to support her completely alone, with strangers. Because deep down she knew there were no real strangers in the world.

She thought about not having a guitar or instrument and glanced to see one sitting in the smoothie store. She glanced at her necklace saying thank you. Then she asked if she could borrow the guitar. The store owner smiled, handing it to her and said “Ohana”.

She went outside completely unprepared without a basket for money. She opened her boho bag that contained her moleskine notebook and a pen and wrote “Money” on it. She folded the card and placed it on the open bag on the ground and began to play.

She just improvised and sang of her heart. Thinking only of good intentions to uplift and smile. Letting go of everything. People started coming up and watching. Gently and kindly. Appreciating. A couple began dancing. A man in a wheelchair came and danced. His chair was spinning around and popping a wheelie. Someone holding flowers showed up. They were beautiful! A man gave her money. She felt a surge of excitement, trust and awe of the universe. Then another and the couple gave her some coins. She felt their magic and freedom, as if she knew them. The group was liberating and she had the feeling again, that she was exactly where she was meant to be. Only missing someone, ever so slightly. Thinking of him in a tiny bit of darkness as if he was life itself. The wind or the back of her most private mind. It scared her for a glimmer. Then she felt real again, inviting in the sunlight and the pure loving peace of the people around her. Her music was filling her with gratitude for God and life, people and nature. She asked for one more song, as more people came to tap their feet and feel the sound and she received a few more bills and ended the ceremony. It felt great and real. People cheered and a couple came up to her as she was closing her bag up to grab a smoothie. They walked with her to grab a delicious purple berry smoothie, joking saying she could have just asked them to buy her one without going through all this! She laughed saying you’re right. They thanked her sincerely, loving what she created and she thanked them, loving what they’d added to the creation. She returned the guitar and they walked outside saying bye! She sat again in the sun soaking in the moment, the warmth and the light. Loving what she had just done. Perfection, love and peace filled her body. She knew what it felt like to be complete, fully in yourself and it was the best. But she felt someone was coming to her. Ever so subtly.

He showed up, white hair and pure light surrounding him. She knew he must be an angel.

“I returned the favour. For giving so kindly and expecting your family to be there for you.” She wondered what he meant and just listened. “You know there’s always enough for you here right?”

“I do now.” She smiled. He was almost as warm as the sun.

She felt him disappear for a second then he came back on her other side.

“You know you’re held? The quiet mind. Choose Jonathan in. As he is. Forgive and create anew.”

The voice measured up to her insecurity directing her right to the space of clarity and forgiveness. It was an angel clearing, she knew.

“You know you have everything you need here, right?

She felt when he’d said that, her mind jump in a craze as if she was shocked and driving 200 miles an hour in a sports car. That’s not what I need, she thought.

“No, it is.” she heard the reply within her.

“Then what do I need?” she felt angry.

“To try.” he said.

She felt frustrated and heavy. Defeated and foggy.

“There’s nothing I need. She said angrily.

“You need Esther.”

She knew who Esther was. The woman, her great aunt who was right in the family and always knew she had money and her independence. Yet it seemed she had no spark, so she pushed her identity away. What a boring woman, she thought. With everything.

I wasn’t as sure about my family, or how deep it ran. Or how I fit in. What my adventure was. “I respected Esther. Couldn’t help but do so. I knew she could keep a marriage successful.

I felt like a free spirit. Poor, codependent and uncertain of where my next dollar would come from.”

“She was too, but she is excited by it, not hurt.” the angel said. “She does what she wants and does it gladly.

She thought of her smoothie possessively. “I can’t lose this.” It was her great unknown. Her joie de vivre! Her all for me. Her independence, ability and confidence.

“Well, anyway, Esther has invited you to the spa.”

She suddenly felt the gap between her perception of Esther and living stuck under her vs. her being her own version of Esther. With Esther as her it felt like the perfect life covered in moth balls and a cloud of haze. With Her as Esther it felt like living stones with crystal clear water and a perfect environment, certainty, clarity and trust of her husband completely as a man. The comparison collapsed as if a mini death occurred and she thought of herself now. Always secretly wanting the perfect husband. True love. And seeing him as taken by Esther.

“So that’s your problem.” He said. “It leaves you feeling cheated. We need to clear this now.”

“Okay” she said, knowing it was true.

He wrote her a cheque for 20,000$. It had her exact name on it. He knew her. She should have been amazed but actually she felt scared and horrified.

“Why would you write me this?”

Her mind thought of him and how she wanted to share this with him excitedly and instead could only think he is not here. And I have nothing to do with this money without him except buy 100 thousand smoothies.

“You need the smoothies.” He laughed. “I want you to take this to the spa and go with Esther. Treat yourself to something real.”

“Like a seaweed bath.” She’d always wanted one.

It felt good to think of treating herself and accepting Esther.

“That 20,000$ is making me think how I have nothing of my own.”

“I know, it’s a step on the path to trusting that all truly is given to you.”

“Okay, so I’m supposed to expect money to come in as easily as it just did through you?”

“Do you choose?”

“Yes.”

“Then yes. God is good, remember?”

Okay, she sighed out a deep sigh of release. All she could think was how he would never stay if she couldn’t keep up the flow of money. It was like being on speed. It felt like he had it and she didn’t. She suddenly felt like her judgment of Esther in that daze. It came full circle and she felt completely alone, but high. She rejected this feeling of love.

“You know it will come.”

Suddenly she remembered the 20,000$ and felt greedy. Her world had just expanded too much because she was supposed to include him and instead she did it alone. Her world collapsed to the spa again and it felt real and good.

“Okay, so that was what it was?”

“It was.”

“Just take this money and include Esther. She’ll be able to afford it. You can handle this divine gift.”

She chose it, accepted it, invited it and thanked herself for observing her internal world. Thank you for helping me.

“It’s nothing. Im glad to. Goodbye for now Katie.”

He left and she laid back, thinking about how happy she was singing for the crowd and how confused and emotional and collapsed she felt after receiving this 20,000$ gift. It felt more like a soul mission.

Now he, the man of her dreams, felt white like Esther.

In the spa she felt perfectly happy.

“You look haunted” Esther laughed.

“Ya I sort of am. Like I should be something and I’m not. It’s weird. Having a gap in yourself. Thinking you are the problem.”

“Well you’re not. He is.” She laughed playfully. “I’m not the problem, there is no problem.” That’s what I do.

“Right.”

She realized there was no problem, just an absence.

“You miss him.”

“I do.”

“You know he’s real?” said Esther

“Don’t” I said. Unable to go there.

I was balancing the cheater mind with the idea of him playing music like me and being cheap and the doubt.

“Just let it pour out.”

“I hate myself for feeling like this. Like he’s gone and living the worst life and barely able to get stable money and I am living in perfect certainty.”

“Honey, that’s you. You know that right? You have no idea what he’s doing.”

“Okay, so that scares me too.”

“I know, but why?”

“Maybe I have nothing to give.”

“You do.”

She stretched her leg. “This is tiring me. Not you” She held out her hand in pause. “Just this idea we share. As if he’d leave. Well he would leave.”

“Why would he?”

“For you. To protect you. And allow you the space to learn for yourself. Independence. I know, I hate it” They laughed. It felt illegal.

“Why can’t I be independent?”

“You don’t know how?” She giggled inquisitively. “I think it’s a game changer to learn to trust yourself and trust people. You need people.

“I need myself more right now.”

“I get it.” Esther took a quick look, in almost disgust. “But you know that’s a lie. How’d you get here?” she paused for a second. “ You see me right? Everything comes through people. We’re never truly alone.”

“Why do you do this? The whole marriage thing?”

“Because I love it. It’s a game to me. Right, game changer. You’re in already. So might as well live it out all the way. Do it all, have it all, be it all, receive it all. Wouldn’t you like that?”

She treated me like a baby. “It feels dirty.”

“It’s not. It’s not even forced. It’s free.” she held out her hand to my tummy. “Yummy tummy.” giving light energy to it. “You need to straighten that up. That doubt and insecurity thing. That ‘I’m evil if I get what I want and I’m stealing from other women and his freedom’ thing. It’s not the way God plays. He’s really that good. Trust me.”

“Okay, so I hate myself for leaving.”

“I know, but he can handle it and it’s probably for the best. You need time to figure yourself out sometimes.”

“Damn it.”

She laughed. Sing a while and relax. It’s all going to be over soon and you’ll return to him. Enjoy the dance. He loves it. Well my husband does at least.

She kicked her legs in the seaweed rock pool. It felt perfect. Just a cloud of anger and darkness around her.

“You need a chocolate face mask. It will tone the energy down from your face.” The staff came in and began.

“Thank you for that”

Esther offered to pay but she remembered the angel and said she’d got it. She got the bill and it was 20,000$ exactly.

Esther smiled, hugged her goodbye and said “too too!”

There was a car waiting for her mysteriously. ‘Classic’ she wrote in her journal, ‘I’m realizing that the angels were guiding me somewhere beyond my wildest dreams. How do I continue?’ She wondered. Then she heard a voice and wrote it down. ‘Follow your next impulse.’

She told the driver, bring me to my parents house. It was the first impulse she received.

She arrived at their home and walked in to the bright sunflower sunny home with beautiful metal detail and kind arches welcoming her in. On the kitchen counter were some cookies and a note from her mother and father.

“Honey, we love you. Step outside.”

She stepped out back and they were sitting there arms around each other welcoming her in to a warm embrace. That was all she needed she felt. Thankful for the way she lived.

“Your next adventure will be on its way.” said her mother.

“Rest for a while.” her father said

She knelt to pet the puppy dog and sat down in calmness. She felt she needed her own house on the horizon and looked at her necklace wondering how it would happen. Then she felt inspired to write a letter to her grandfather. She felt him say “write a book” and so that evening she began. Writing in her little black book, a story of life lived simply at home.