Cheating vs. Ethical Polyamory

I​ receive quite a few questions about polyamory; most that I, at one point, had myself. These questions and misconceptions about what it is or isn’t is why I have found such a love in being so open (no pun intended) about it!

One of the biggest questions I am asked, and the primary purpose of this specific article, is: “Isn’t it considered cheating to be dating or loving other people when you’re already in a committed relationship?”

Short answer: NOPE.

L​onger answer: No. The key thing that separates these two things is consent. Consent is everything for so many things - partnership expansion included.

M​y husband and I spent years of our partnership living in a toxic bubble. From the very beginning, I allowed my traumas to turn me into a very ungrateful, mean, unforgiving person. Only a few months prior to us dating, I had left a very abusive situation (that followed many very unsettling situations). I wanted to move on, but I didn’t acknowledge that I had major healing to do. I should have known better, but I didn’t. My poor husband was caught in the in-between of my darkest place and the other side.

M​y toxicity caused a massive complex is our partnership. We both started acting in ways that went against our genuine characters. We both said things out of anger, did things out of spite and became people that did not align with whom we were.

E​motional cheating was an enormous wall we came up against. After experiencing so much physical cheating with my previous ex-partner (and many before him), I let it consume me in all the worse ways possible.

S​o, you’re probably wondering: What the hell is the difference between the emotional cheating we experienced together back then and the life we live together today?

C​hoice and consent.

W​e realized that we were forcing a monogamous partnership because that is what they (our parents, society, everyone) taught us to believe was the right way, despite ours being absolutely terrible. We were hiding behind our traumas and fear and expectations.

F​or awhile, we worked on our individual issues and confront the parts of ourselves that kept that space between us from being something more.

P​olyamory wasn’t something that was placed on the table easily. It was a very uncomfortable discussion at first thanks to so many built up conditioned beliefs and even slight panic at how others would view us. We also weren’t educated enough (or at all) on it and did not understand what we were getting ourselves into. But once we talked about it more and went deeper into learning about it more, we saw that it was nothing like we had imagined it to be.

C​heating is sneaky, misleading, unhealthy, manipulative, and emotionally abusive. It doesn’t care about trust or communication or boundaries. It goes against the consent of your partner(s) and the values you agreed upon together. It disregards anyone else, but the person doing the cheating.

E​thical polyamory is none of those things. It is about being up front with your emotions and actions. It is about a solid foundation, self-awareness, trust, and communication with whom you are and what you need. It does not go against the consent of any partner(s) and the values you both (or all) agree on. And it’s about discussing your values when and if they change so the partnership can adapt and grow in a healthy, intentional way.

I​f you’re in an ethical monogamous relationship, this article may not be for you. This is for anyone who side eyes on those of us living healthy, open partnerships while experiencing (or taking part in) toxic, unethical, cheating monogamous partnerships.

I hope this encourages you to view your current or future relationships from a wider (healthier) perspective and realize you fucking deserve ethical love, no matter what it looks like for you!

B​ig energy love,

A​sia, The Colorful Writer