Certainly, Uncertain

I spent my life pursuing certainty.

As a very young child, I was taught that having the certainty of knowing where I would go when I die, was the most important thing. In fact, it was everything. That belief, the pursuit of certainty in that one area kept me stuck, stifled, hidden in fear from the world and anyone or anything that would disrupt that certainty.

I have a confession. That never felt real to me. Don't get me wrong. I have always had a strong connection and love for God or the divine - but religion, church, the idea that I am broken, sinful, damaged, and in need of a god that will save me from that? I never completely bought into that story.

I wanted to. I tried to. And when I couldn't, I hid myself.

There must be something wrong with me.

I can't let anyone know that I'm not certain here.

I begged God to give me the certainty ... give me the faith to believe.

He didn't.

In my 30's, I married a very religious man. Maybe his certainty would rub off on me and make me better. It didn't. In fact, his certainty made me so small and meek that I almost lost myself entirely. Eventually, I stood up for myself and my marriage ended. I had been so certain that love and marriage would fix me.

It didn't.

For many years, both before my marriage and after, I avoided the topic. I either went all in on church or ran away from it completely. I always said that I hated the "Christian culture". In fact, I hated myself for not fitting in better, for not being certain the way everyone else seemed to be. No amount of obedience or behavior control or bible study or community or mission trips or amazing worship sessions ... none of it made me feel healed or whole or honest.

But I made due.

It wasn't until I had a friend come out to me as a gay man, that I really discovered the freedom that comes from uncertainty.

This friend was a well-known, respected, and admired Christian Pastor. He was a mentor to me and had already taught me so much about what it meant to really know God. He was authentic and caring and wise ... and now ... he is gay.

Let's be clear, he had always been gay, it's just that now I knew about it. Now, he was telling the world. Did that change who he was? Was he less valuable because of who he was attracted to? Or was he only less valuable if he chose to actually love someone that he was attracted to?

As I listened to him tell me his story, any certainty I was still clinging to, began to crumble. I hadn't spent much time thinking about gayness, to be honest. I had never formed beliefs of my own or sought out answers. I had lived in a privileged, straight, world where I didn't have to. But now, all of a sudden, this thing that wasn't even a question in my mind before - one of the many things I'd learned according to how the Bible was interpreted for me - was uncertain.

The thing to know about certainty is that when one thing you believe is certain, suddenly becomes uncertain, everything changes. It's like an earthquake happens in your soul and cracks begin to form. Some things crumbled immediately, other things had to be investigated and torn down if the damage was too bad to repair. And through it all, I learned a very important lesson.

I learned that certainty is stagnating and that living in a world of uncertainty brings growth and expansion. I learned that the opposite of faith isn't doubt ... it's certainty.

I went into that conversation certain that being gay was a sin. "Love the sinner, hate the sin." But as I let go of that, something new came in. Possibility. Possibility shows up in uncertainty and possibility is the thing that allows us to change.

I'm not here to convince you of anything or to tell you that what you believe is wrong or what I believe is right. But what I do want to do is to inspire you to look at the places of certainty in your life and let them move toward uncertainty. Be curious. Explore the things that show up.

Faith is in direct opposition to certainty.

Many people, especially in religious environments, hold certainty up as a standard of faith. I see faith differently. I see faith as the ability to hold onto oneself while floating in uncertainty. It's the belief that when I die, I will be taken care of even, though I have no idea what the afterlife looks like. It's faith that holds me firm in my pursuit of love even when I have no guarantee that I will ever find what I'm hoping for. I don't have certainty there, but I do have faith. I have hope. I have possibility.

Certainty kills faith and despises love. Certainty causes people on social media to send death threats to my friend because he dares to declare himself both gay and Christian. Certainty places people in the category of "other". ... I am going to heaven. You are going to hell. ... My certainty means I also get to declare judgment on you.

Letting go of certainty propelled me towards love. Love is wild and untamed and full of uncertainty. Even as I write this, I do it with a loose grip. I don't know how I will change tomorrow; what I see and understand could be completely different. What I believe now is based on what I have experienced so far. If I am in the same place tomorrow, I am stagnant. Humans are created to change, learn, and adapt as they grow.

That's what it means to be uncertain.