Breaking Up VS. Taking a Break

Dear Lex,

My bf & I had been having trouble for about 6 months. After arguing for almost nothing for that amount of time, we decided to just take a break. However, during our break I slept with someone else. After I slept with someone else, I realized how much I love him, got in contact with him and now we are back together.

Now that we are back together I wonder if I should tell him or if I should take my rendezvous to the grave. Is what I did considered cheating?

Sincerely,

GI JANE

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Dear GI JANE,

Unfortunately, I do think that you should tell him. I only say this because honesty is very important in a relationship. If you keep this secret it will become a foundation for more secrets to be built upon along the way. However, who is to say that he will react badly? After all, the two of you were on a break! For all you know, you could admit to him what you have done and then he will come out with a story of his own of what he did during your break.

The longer you wait, the more something so… simple will become something that seems like it was wrong due to simply being hidden. Bring it up as soon as possible. Don’t wait for a “good time” because a lot of weird topics never seem to just have a good time to come out. Also do your best to not bring it up in a way where it sounds wrong. Instead of saying “hey we should talk whenever you get home” or something serious like that, I would just bring it up randomly like, “hey I didn’t know if it was necessary to say but while we were on our break, I slept with someone and thought you should know.” If they ask why you didn’t say anything sooner, just say you weren’t sure if you should or not; but after it hanging over your head, you figured it was just better to be honest.

For future references, for all of my readers…

What are the rules of a break?

There are NO SET RULES OF TAKING A BREAK WITH YOUR PARTNER! If anything, I consider “taking a break” as one of two things. The ultimate TEST or the green light. There are two types of couples in this situation; those that are trying to test eachother and those that are bored with eachother. Most of the time when people take a break, it is only because they are too afraid that they will break up and then their partner will find someone new. If you are on a break, you can do almost anything you want besides that.

However the “rules” in a break all depend on what is discussed when the break starts. IF NOTHING IS DISCUSSED, there are no rules! I don’t care how your partner reacts to what you have done during that break; if nothing was discussed then NO RULES WERE SET! My advice for any couple considering “taking a break”, don’t do it. If you feel it is absolutely necessary, set the rules and boundaries before going on the hiatus. Everything needs to be discussed in black and white beforehand or you can’t be mad at any lines crossed.

My advice is to simply not do it, because what’s the point? You have two choices in a relationship, work it out or break up. We often think of breaks subconsciously as a leash on our partner. It’s like okay, you’re free…ish! You can do what you want but don’t leave the yard. Unfortunately, the right person walks by and that damn dog is going to jump that fence. If you’re in a relationship, it’s like you have an inside dog. They can look out the window but they can’t run away. Now in no way am I calling humans dogs, it’s just a metaphor. Relax.

So if you are going through a rough patch, work on your communication. Work on yourself. Try couples therapy. Try mediators. Google different methods. Do what you can to work it out ORRRRRRR BREAK UP! People FEAR break ups but unfortunately we have to realize that not every person in our life, regardless of length of time that they have been in it, are meant for a life time. Some people are seasonal. You have to know when it’s time to let go. You can love someone to death and sometimes their time has just run out. There’s nothing more to it.

And back to the metaphor, remember, a break is not only letting that dog outside but letting them off the leash completely. Scary isn’t? Realizing they can jump that fence and go as far as they want to go? Doing whatever they want to do? If you are facing a break up with someone that you love, don’t forget that what is meant for you… will always come back.