Break Ups Suck

I had to let him go. It was time. I had been holding onto this connection for more than a year after it ended because we told ourselves we would check in to see where we were at.

He gave me the space and time to think about it without us communicating on the daily- we took 5 months apart without talking.

And I don't blame him or myself for anything. I do genuinely still have love and care for him. He is a very special person to me, one of the first men I've cried and laughed with. A man who loved every part of me regardless of how I was. But I couldn't do the same for him.

I want children. I want a husband who is confident and in love enough within himself to pursue me. I want my husband to want and desire to be a father. I want him to have aspirations or odd quirks that he pursues to keep himself entertained. I want him to not need, but want me in his life and vice versa. I want us both to be whole people separately and a power team together.

That is what we didn't have. I'm afraid had we gotten into a relationship that I would've become upset at our co-dependency on each other and the fact that he lacked confidence within himself. I don't want to have to constantly reassure him that he is enough. He needs to learn to do that on his own.

But there was a lot of qualities that I loved about him as well. I loved how self-less, loving, and affectionate he could be. He didn't mind going along with my weird games and was patient with me despite how unreasonable I could be. I learned to be a little bit more vulnerable with loved ones with his aid and I really appreciate that. He introduced me to crab rangoon and I still order those at every Chinese restaurant I go to today. He taught me that love comes in small forms- like cooking rice for someone who has been craving it or baking a cake or dish that I liked for me. I liked that he made me comfortable enough to be myself 24/7 and I did the same for him. The love we shared between us did feel genuine and I have no regrets about the times we shared.

Sometimes love is letting them go so they can love themselves first. I can't continue to hold onto him even though there is a selfish part of me that wants to because I know what a great partner he can make for someone.

I just have to trust the process I guess. He deserves to move on and I do too. We had a great time and I am genuinely thankful to have met him. He showed me real, unconditional love and I really appreciate that.

I want to share that love with someone else one day as well. I had and still do have feelings for him. We had such a deep bond I don't expect it to go away in just a year.

My only hope is that this was the right decision for both us and we will both understand that one day.

I hope that you can learn to love yourself for the great person that you are- I would've loved you as a partner but you have a lot of work to do in the self-love department that would have spilled into our relationship. I know I have flaws as well, part of which was me not wanting to compromise my living situation for us to be together.

When I am ready to selflessly love, then I know I'll be ready. But for now I am okay with enjoying my single life and expanding my girl friendships and personal growth in wealth and health.

You are enough.