Bait and Hook

I awoke today feeling low and uneasy as usual after spending time with him. I always leave his space feeling weak, vulnerable and empty. Why do I continue to wish to be near this disordered human's side? I ask myself this over and over but cannot seem to grasp an answer.

I fell out of bed at almost noon instead of morning, because I did not sleep in the night. I dozed on and off with the lamp on scrolling through social media trying to find relief from the turmoil in my mind until 6 am. I found myself checking his Facebook profile various times to see how many people, specifically women, liked his new profile photo that accentuates his aging body and seemingly erect rod, ready to lure, while holding a fish that he so easily reeled and hooked. Key word HOOKED. This is obviously a continued sign to me of his game, his MO, his nefarious scheme, his diabolical mind and malicious intent to bait and hook the next victim. I know that sounds like a dramatic description but its my perception, and I am sticking with it. He loves the fishing game of catch and release, and this hobby bleeds into his love life with a hook, line and sinker.

I obsessed over this photo and the ideas surrounding it without fail, because I am the one who suggested that he post this new photo as his profile picture for the world to see, and like a dumbo, I helped him do it. It is sad that I had to help in the first place, because he is clueless, but also sad that I actually prompted the action and did his dirty work for him. Why did I suggest this, knowing it would hurt and disturb me in the end? Why did I give him ammo to further cause my anguish. I think I must enjoy pain, or I was subconsciously testing him. I was testing his ego; his mind set, his eagerness to still get attention and flaunt his sagging abs, wrinkled hairy body, cheese eating grin and semi erect male genitalia. What a great catch he thinks he is.

The questions that I ask myself are: Why did I compliment the photo so much and boost his ego and build his confidence? Why, when I should be disgusted by him in general and his appearance did I lovingly make him seem like the hottest man I know? Why did it disturb me to this extent that he posted it? I will tell you why. I was hurt by the fact that I suggested that he crop off the bottom half that shows his erect penis before posting, and he didn't. He was nonchalant about it, with a smirk and giggle of satisfaction, because he especially wanted that part to be noticeable and seen. Yes, you bet your bottom dollar that he got the supply and attention that he desperately wanted and the ultimate like from Sara, his new target of attention, and so called racquetball buddy. The story of Sara is yet to be determined. But I patiently await the expose. His game of racquetball can be analyzed and compared to his love life as well, or lets just say life in general.

Furthermore, he also received many comments saying how fabulous he looked from other geriatric women in his harem of potential suitors and supply chain. Lastly, I would like to mention the one comment that made me smile and that I know was right on point. A comment from one of his male friends whom interestingly enough friended me on Facebook as well. I know this friend sees through the bull----, the mask, and the facade, not just by his comment, but the fact that he actually didn't like the photo, but made this strategic statement, "Well now you got the bait, lol". This comment was perfect! I wish I had the nerve to have typed it but thank God someone else typed it for me. The comment speaks for itself, so I will leave it there. I failed myself by loving the photo, with a heart emoji instead of a thumbs up or by liking it at all for that matter, even though he has not liked or commented on any of my photos or posts in a long time. This further iterates how selfish, diabolical, spiteful, and jealous he is, and a passive aggressive coward who views his behavior as punishing me. Can someone please help me let go of this nightmare cycle and this decrepit vampire. Did I mention that he is 61, and I am 44. Most importantly, did I also mentioned that his wife of 25 years committed suicide? Where did I go wrong? Where did I decide this is all that I am worth? God help me!