Apartment 413

October 22, 2020

“Time changed, we’re different, but my mind still says redundant things. Can I not think? Will you love this part of me? My lover is the day I can’t forget,” this is the lyric that has been stuck in my head lately. What song is it you ask? Well the songs name is Lover is a Day and the artist of this amazing song is Cuco. Why has it resonated with me lately so much? I just feel like I have related to the song’s lyrics 100% this week. I have been going through some emotional motions lately and it seems like it has been happening often, but then when I remember to ground myself, I find myself again. Just like the song I over think and say redundant things and stress myself out, until I remember everything is fine and I am okay.

I have been feeling like I am at the bottom of the well, but I cannot necessarily tell you why. I have been questioning a lot of things in my life. This list of questions that swirl around in my mind grows longer as each day passes. But why is it in the human nature to question things so much? All this questioning to certain things that might be out of my control have been causing stress. It was an underlying stress I did not even realize I was bringing on myself until Saturday night. The reason I say I didn’t realize was because Saturday was one of the most relaxed days I had myself, but all of a sudden at night when I was driving to the store with my boyfriend my eyebrow muscle spasmed and got stuck at an arched position. As some human do when something different happens, I freaked out, then panicked, then allowed my panic to slowly turn into physical and mental anxiety. Everyone told me it was a result of stress, but how could it be when I just enjoyed a day of relaxing and doing nothing?

I didn’t realize how much I had been over thinking things the whole week leading up to Saturday. The questions in my head had not been vented out and my body could not handle holding it in anymore. As the week progressed after that stress attack, I lost some sleep, cried, talked, and experienced a migraine like no other. This was over the course of Sunday through Wednesday. I really thought, “this is it for me,” and that is what was troubling my mind. I had slowly begun to over think on my life, my job, my relationship, my next step. Many people I have met typically think about these things, but I wonder if they think about it as often as I do. When life gets just a little stagnant and it gives you too much time to think this is the result.

I started to wonder on whether my job was right for me, I started to wonder if my boyfriend was right for me, and I started to overthink what is next for me. I just started this new job, and I am going on almost my second full month. I enjoy my job, I get to work at my own pace, when I am done with my work/daily tasks I am able to read a book, surf the internet, or watch TV if I wish. Why am I questioning a job where I am paid well and pretty much have absolutely nobody looking over my shoulder at how I am doing things? Well it is only because I have to much time to myself and my mind goes crazy. I always think about the future and think about what it is I really want to do, but I don’t know the question to that and I also have no control of the future or what it holds. So, these are things that I should just let go of.

After five years of a relationship I started to question whether Chris is the right person for me. Again, because I had to much time to over think and analyze situations, I started to nit pick at little things. Chris has been there for me through so much in life and held me when nobody else knew I was broken inside. He loves me in small gestures. He loves me in the way he smiles at me and tells me I am cute when I make a funny face at him. He loves me in the way he asks me what I want to eat every time we are going to pick up food. He loves me in planning a future with me. He loves me in saying “text me when you get there.” But he does not love me in acting like he is nothing more than my friend when we are with others. At least this is what I was beginning to feel, and therefore I was beginning to question. I felt he does not love me in not showing attention to details or being affectionate the way I’d wish he would be. My heart began to wonder if he really loved me.

Over thinking is a monster. A monster that consumes your full body and mind and soul if you allow it. I am slowly learning how to stop this nagging voice in my mind that never shuts up. Because my inner voice is like a bully that never stops picking on its victim of choice. It just so happens I am my own worst enemy. Aren’t we all to a certain extent? As the week comes to an end, I began to let things go, to voice my concerns, and to process my thoughts. I now am just choosing to enjoy my job and my time to myself, to accept the love that Chris gives me and ask for the things I need in return, and stop dwelling on all the what if’s of a future I do not and will never know about until it present. Talking and grounding myself keeps me from going crazy. Hopefully, I get a hold of the redundancy of my thoughts and can fully blossom into what I should be blossoming into in this chapter in my life. I will let go and trust the process.