October 15th, 2020
“Tick, tock, tick, tock,” the daily sound of nothing happening in the office. All I can hear every passing day in the office is the sound of the old analog clock perched on the top of the windowed wall and the air conditioning as it turns on and off. This week has been so tick tock and air flow quiet. Not only has it been uneventful it has been dreary. Life has felt like a single song stuck on loop, repeating every time it is over. That is how my days have felt, on repeat: wake, work, smoke, workout, eat, repeat.
Not that my life has turned boring, but that is it, I am living LIFE. Life is not always exciting. I get to wake up to a charming, handsome young man lying next to me every day. I get to have a job that pays me well and I get paid to practically do nothing all day. I have a family that loves me. I live with friends that enjoy my cooking and I get to come home to and wind down with after a long day. Life is just life. I am not upset with the lack of anything happening, but it is just feeling like a drag because of it. Every day feels the same and I have started to sort of feel that sluggish, slowed down, unmotivated feeling that goes along with it.
The struggle to get up early this morning and workout has been like no other week. I have lied awake in bed contemplating whether to get up and go workout or not every morning. This Thursday morning was the first morning I was able to get my butt off the bed and at least get a bike in early in the morning. I mean, I should not be so hard on myself as I worked out twice this week already, but after work, which is not always the best workout as I am tired by that time. Yes, you may think to yourself ‘how does she even get home tired when she said she does next to nothing at work?’ well, doing nothing all day is exhausting!
The mental drain that happens while I sit here in front of the computer and get my daily tasks done or answer phone calls is real. Not only does it take a lot more effort to be bored, it also takes a lot more thinking. All this time to myself when I complete all my tasks gives me SO much time to think. We all think to ourselves on our down time, but sometimes having too much time to think is not a good think. That is the problem I am currently facing. I have so much down time I could literally have written a novel by now. Instead, I read, surf the web, online shop, or spend time on my social media accounts. I try to do the most productive things while at work like reading and writing (hence the blog), but sometimes it is just impossible, and I end up spending half the day looking at coats online.
Can you begin to understand why my days feel long and dreary? I am twenty-five years old and I feel like I am stuck in this place forever. This cannot possibly be what my life is going to be for the next year or so? Am I not the one who wanted to move and start fresh? This job is new, but it is so mentally draining being alone 40 hours, five days a week. I am left with the question of what my next step should be, without really knowing how to answer that myself. Where do I belong in this social construct we have created for ourselves? How can I escape a ‘settling’ life as opposed to breaking the chain and achieving the greatness I know I was born for?