An Open Letter To My Heart

Oh, how I adore you my heart. Full of love ready to give. Vibrant, rich and full of pulsating blood and oxygen. You are a vital piece of my body and lately we have been looking for companionship to match our heart.

Each time we take a leap of faith to try we get the wind knocked out of us. Blind sided by something unexpected. Naive we must be. Foolish for sure. It perplexes me to how we always end up here on the sidelines while everyone else is happy. I’m happy for those who have happiness, everyone deserves it. It baffles me that others get chosen over me. That I am not good enough. Only the exterior is seen and men can’t see all that I have to offer. Men of the past has made me cautious for the men of the future.

I wrote to my future husband, unknowingly who he is. There was someone special I thought could be him. Again, I find myself wrong. What are we doing wrong, heart? I caged you after the break up with my sons father. Locked tight like Fort Knox so that you won’t escape and no one could get in. Here we are. You have escaped and I’m hurting all over again. Understanding this thing called “love” is something like brain freeze. I need to cage you again and stay away from any feelings toward anyone that may arise.

I have to get a grip on all of this because I’m done hurting. I’m done putting bandaids on you and repairing you with a needle and thread. Trying to keep you whole. All the while you are falling apart and my cheeks are stained from tears of those who didn’t realize I had feelings and a heart as well.

Don’t you get it heart? I’m okay being alone. I’ve felt that way for so long and untouched. It’s no different for me. Yeah, for what little time we got treated good was great. It was better to not have experienced it so we wouldn’t be hurting. That we wouldn’t sleep more than we should, barely eat, or stuff our face with chocolate. We either don’t eat or we emotional eat. We cry or just sleep to make it all stop hurting. This roller coaster of love is a huge mess. It messes with so much and drains so much of you when you are trying to give yourself to someone to make it work. The lesson is that if one puts in the effort and the other isn’t as much, maybe you aren’t worth it to them. Maybe it’s the wrong timing. Maybe it’s lack of compatibility. Maybe it’s a million things but communication is the key to knowing. You’ll remain in the dark, alone and hurt if you have no answers.

Listen to me heart. You are amazing. You love so much. You keep my body working. You keep me alive. You are remarkable in so much that you do. You beat around 10,000 times per day according to Google. I couldn’t imagine the love we could give to the right person. I made my fair share of mistakes but I’m growing and learning from all of that. The way I love people and how I love people is because of you heart. So many have made amazing remarks saying that I have a heart of gold. Even though I’ve repaired you a million times and we keep trying to find a match for us, you are dripping in gold. Shining so bright and ready to just keep giving.

I’m locking you away again. Don’t escape. I’m not ready for any more heartache. I’m running low on band aids, needle and thread. Let’s sit on the sidelines and be alone. Let everyone else be happy. Let us just take time to heal.

I love you with all my heart.