Have you ever met a good one? There were many times I felt I had a good one. Do you know how magicians fool you with their tricks into believing an illusion? Men can do that. It took me a while to truly see that he wasn’t an illusion and it wasn’t smoke and mirrors. It took me a while to see my wrongs and how I lost him. For the one who gets him next, I want you to know he’s one of the good ones and I let him slip through my fingers and he’s worth holding on to. Don’t make my mistakes. Don’t be looking at these jesters while the king is trying to place the crown on that beautiful head of yours.
No two people will ever be perfect and will make their fair share of mistakes. We sure did. It was magical. He showed me love existed and chivalry wasn’t dead. At my hospital bed and re-arranged his work schedule to drive to a hospital an hour away he knew nothing about to be with me.
He was there when I collapsed and felt like I was drifting between this realm and the next. He was there when my seizure lasted over an hour and I stood over my body screaming to wake up. I would get stranded and he would come to my rescue. We had problems with communication. I had a custody battle with my son's father and desire to be with someone who didn’t want me. He remained through it all being patient that his efforts would prevail. I hurt him. I made him feel used and unworthy. I gave more time to a man who didn’t want me. When I should have closed that and focused on him. I got out of a domestic violence relationship, sexually assaulted, verbally abused and mentally abused. I had only eight months of healing and I needed more.
It was a huge mess. I stayed conflicted and unsure of what I wanted. I wasn’t touched or loved for so long. I have this good guy who is sensitive and loves to display affection. I had not been used to that. I went into overload a lot. I went into protective mode a lot. In my previous relationship to avoid fights, I would shut down and not communicate what I was feeling. The moment I did an argument ensued. I was terrified of this with my good guy. He was so patient with me and comforting trying to reassure me that my past was gone. He wasn’t him. I had a really hard time with it all. I messed up and hid my feelings. I avoid conversations, I wanted to attack him for his bad like I did my ex. He messed up as well. He admitted his wrongs. He did things to remind me of my ex which didn’t help. We tried to work it out but I failed on my end to give as much as he did. I was scared to death to fall for him. I was scared to death of it being smoke and mirrors. There came a time when I finally closed my chapters and focused on him. The feelings grew stronger. I wanted him more but things kept coming up. I didn’t want to fight or be called clingy. This new feeling of wanting him more and focusing on him more made me want to run away faster.
I hugged him longer and prolonged his leaving. The kisses were sweeter. He was on to me and these new feelings that were emerging. I was great at running and pushing people away. I didn’t want him to know. I never had a guy like him. To open my car door. Treat me like a lady. Want my smiles and laughs. Support me and always be by my side during my bad health days. This was a new ship and I had no clue how to navigate it. I crashed it like the titanic. The only difference is we aren’t Rose and Jack. We were something real and once in a lifetime. Something that will be forever treasured.
If you get him please understand he’s a great guy. He’s difficult and emotional. He’s hard on himself and growing to do. He’s a hopeless romantic but if you water the seed beautiful things will blossom. Neglect your seeds and nothing will become of it. Treasure him and love him. I’m sorry that my chaotic mess that I am of a woman-led to our demise. If it was a different time we would have been amazing. We hurt each other and I did the right thing in letting him go so that someone can value him. My apologies will never be enough. I’m grateful he’s forgiven me. I’m grateful he’s my friend. I hope life is beautiful to him. We’ve gained peace and chapters closed. He’s helped me become a better woman and for that, I’ll always be grateful. He showed me what love can be like. The time shared wasn’t regrettable. I’m becoming someone better and true healing and finding peace. I wish I was at this place with him long ago but I wasn’t and there is always a reason for everything. Always close your chapters and focus on your one person. Don’t allow the infection of someone else or an old relationship to seep into something new and ruin that. If they mean something to you then put the work in and you’ll get a great return.
Thank you for loving me and my son. For respecting my family. All the memories made the gifts for me and my son. The laughs and smiles. Thank you for bringing me out of my darkness when I needed that most. Thank you for being there when I thought I was leaving this world. Thank you for always being by my bedside and taking care of me. You’ll never understand how much I valued it all and I took it all for granted.