Am I Dating a Narcissist?

You may have had some suspicions that the person you are dating could be a narcissist. You may have brushed it aside. Yet the question keeps nagging at you. No matter if you are just curious about the person you are dating, in a relationship with a known narcissist or healing from narcissistic abuse, the following information can help you determine the situation you may be in and what to do about it.

What Are the Narcissists Types?

People aren’t typically one type of narcissist; for instance, the vulnerable and malignant narcissist will likely have grandiose traits. It’s also important to note that everyone has some narcissistic traits, narcissism is a spectrum. It’s people who fall high on the spectrum that develop Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Grandiose- Classic type, grandiose narcissists are very entitled, they lack empathy and have a hard time reading other people. They hide this by being very charming, but eventually the mask comes off and they present hyper critical, demeaning and defensive behavior.

Vulnerable- Passive aggressive, plays the victim, wants others to feel sorry for them or to defend them. This type will make it all about themselves in a needy way. They may be very self-defeating, and tear themselves down due to their deep insecurities. Your response may be to try to build them up, which is what they crave.

Malignant- Displays anti-social behavior, this type of narcissist has a mean streak. They may engage in illegal activity. They are cold, indifferent, sometimes violent and very angry.

What are Narcissistic Tactics?

Love Bombing- A period usually in the beginning of a relationship where the narcissist pays close attention to all of your needs and wants. Gifts, attention, overly romantic gestures are common during this period.

Devaluing/Discarding- Love bombing comes to a halt and devaluing and discarding take over. During this period the narc may ghost you, be emotionally unavailable, cancel plans, cheat, some may even leave. If you have proved to be a good narcissist supply (you supply the admiration and attention they can’t get from themselves) then they will exercise the next tactic, breadcrumbing.

Breadcrumbing- To keep you from leaving or giving up entirely after all of their hot and cold behavior the narcissist will give you just enough attention, make good on just enough of their promises to keep you hanging on. You may be wondering if this relationship is worth keeping, the narcissist is aware of this, so they will give you crumbs of attention. They don’t stay cold, they will warm up, but like clockwork they will go cold again, this is why it feels like you are only getting crumbs.

Gaslighting- After the intense love bombing period you are left confused by their hot and cold behavior. Most people in this situation try to talk about it with their partner. The narcissist cannot deal with criticism, they will deflect what you are saying and turn it on you. So, a problem that they have is suddenly your fault. You are the one that caused it. Gaslighting means to turn the tables on you, to spin the blame so that you are left questioning your own memory of what actually happened. The gaslighter manipulates you into questioning your own reality and recollection of events.

Word Salad- Another tactic when confronted, a form of deflection. You bring up a problem to the narcissist, they answer with a bunch of nonsense. They will throw some gaslighting in there, but also talk about off topic things to change the subject. They talk on and on, almost incoherently and the original point is lost. If you have ever read an email or letter from a narcissist, you can often see the rambling and incoherent thought process in print.

Hoovering- If you end up leaving the narc, many of them will try to hoover you back. This is a term named after Hoover vacuums. They will try to suck you back in with their love bombing, promising you things will be different and that they have changed. Unfortunately, if you return, the cycle will very likely repeat itself. Most narcs don’t know how to make the deep, fundamental changes that are truly required for real change.

Control- Everything is on their terms, they will couch their controlling intentions by making it seem as if they care about you, helping you, looking out for you, protecting you. Like a narc who wants you to move in with them so you don’t have to work anymore. Move to their town/state/country. The narc has to be in control at all times. Their hidden agenda is to isolate you, give you less access to friends and family that might point out their controlling behavior. It’s confusing because they say it’s because they want to help you in some way or to protect you, but in truth everything a narcissist does is for the purpose of control.

What to do if you think you are dating a narcissist

One of the most frustrating parts of interacting with a narcissist is that you can’t share your insights with them regarding their behavior. Their built-in defense system will be triggered and all you will get is more gaslighting, avoidant behavior, deflection, defensiveness, criticism with a good measure of word salad thrown in. There is no negotiating, so here are the two tactics you can try to regain your empowerment and get your life back.

Grey Rock- To grey rock means that you give the narcissist responses to their questions that are very matter of fact with little or no emotion. This helps to not engage the narcissist, and it can be the only way to deal with them if you must. Without your supply, the attention, good or bad that you have given them in the past is no longer given. Your neutral comments and behavior will cause many narcissists to move on. Don’t be so obvious that you sound robotic, but make your responses as minimal and as neutral as you can. This technique is a good one for narcissists in the workplace or family, where you can’t leave easily. It can be used for romantic relationships especially if you have left but share children and must maintain some contact.

No Contact- For all other narcissistic connections, the best approach is to go no contact. You will want to give your romantic partner a reason for breaking up with them, but the truth is, nothing you say will truly be heard. They cannot read others, or empathize in the way that you can, so what they hear is greatly distorted. If they give you feedback you will immediately realize this.

Once you have given your reasons, no matter how misunderstood, break contact. It can feel heartless but it’s truly the only way. Many narcs will start a new relationship, it might sting to see how easily they replaced you, but they aren’t genuinely into that person. They are using them to get back at you and show you how happy they are. Other narcissists will get angry and lash out at you, pointing out your flaws, how you wronged them, possibly publicly doing so. In the most extreme cases, some may even stalk. Most will lash out and then take the first approach, moving on to a new source of supply.

If you find that you are in fact dating a narcissist, get help, talk to a trusted friend, seek counseling, reach out to a domestic violence group, because the main thing to understand is that narcissistic behavior is abuse. It takes time to recognize in some cases that you were going through narcissistic abuse, and it takes time to heal.

You will also want to look at whether or not you have a pattern of attracting narcissists into your life and if so, why that is. People with trauma, codependency, and other issues may feel they are not worthy of a healthy relationship deep down.

If you feel you are dating a narcissist, take action, grey rock to disengage, go no contact and stay no contact. Switch gears and focus on self-care, self-love and your own healing journey.