Alone

I came out the room multiple times and you were in the bathroom and on your phone so I just left you be.... I’m not gonna force you to get off your phone and spend time with me I’m not gonna force you to put the phone down and have a conversation with me. I literally feel like I have to compete with your phone for your time. And when I mention things like, “hello are we still gonna do this or that”, after hours pass and you are on your phone.. you look at me with attitude like I’m rushing you when all I wanna do is spend time with you. There are moments I literally have to pick up my phone and search and search to find something interesting on social media because I am unable to get your attention. I don’t mind you being on your phone but like.... I feel so alone.

I’m not perfect. I’m super bipolar, I have mood swings but they don’t last long. I’m flawed and insecure, but I really don’t ask for much. I’m starting to feel like you are starting to not be interested in me anymore. I have to keep asking for reassurance cuz I feel like it’s all slipping away. You were head over heels for me before we first met face to face. You couldn’t wait to do all these things... share all these memories and now that you have me it feels like your realizing that I’m really not all that and I fear you will go looking for something better and leave. I’m bipolar and I can’t stress that enough. I don’t do people well and when I get overwhelmed I disappear with no words. It’s not like I haven’t done it before I’m the same person. But this stuff is breaking me. I find myself crying to myself ever so often because I feel there are moments when you think, “why are you with me”. I don’t want to compete with your phone anymore. When you talk to me I want you to actually talk to me... those used to be the best conversations. I hate feeling like I’m inconveniencing you because I wanna talk to you and you are doing something. That’s not a good feeling. I know you know because you feel it when the roles are in reverse and it’s you feeling ignored and alone. You’d want to talk to me and I’d be busy and couldn’t give you the attention you wanted in the moment. I’m losing you.... and I have done a lot, and gone through a lot, given up a lot to get you. I try my hardest to show you I’m here for you and will be here. I try my hardest to support you in the ways I can. To uplift you even when I feel down myself I try to be a strong female at your side in this relationship even though I don’t know how to really be in one. I don’t know how to accept someone loving me... But I do all that for you. I have put everything I have into this because I love you, I just.... I’m tired of everything falling apart. I’m not perfect but I’m really trying. I’m not a negative person some things are out of my control and I’m left to deal with the repercussions of it. I’m a good person. Don’t give up on me. Help me.